Me (27F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for almost 3 years and living together happily for 1 year. Few months, before we met, he had a FWB situation with his high school friend — they hooked up three times after reconnecting at a reunion. He claims he had no feelings for her, but admitted he initiated a kiss when they met for coffee, which made me question things. All this started, when he wanted to organise a DnD game and were looking for people to play and he remembered that this girl used to watch The big bang theory so just asked her. He started by offering her to borrow his DnD books by dropping it off at her place. (the DnD game never happened after)
Two months into our relationship (while we were exclusive), she messaged him on Facebook Messenger. I later saw (by snooping) that he replied with a photo of the cruise and said he was leaving on a cruise. He also said he was “busy these days” and would let her know later. I couldn’t see her message. He says he was just being polite or trying to end contact.
He also told me that she once on a coffee date confessed to having feelings for him while they were in high school, and he knew this before they hooked up. She had also told him she’d previously slept with married men, which he said made him uncomfortable — but he still continued hooking up with her after.
Now I can’t help but loathe her, even though I’ve never met her. I feel insecure and confused. Why would he kiss someone he had no feelings for? I asked him if he did have feelings for her just admit because why would he kiss someone if he didn’t have feelings for them. Do men really sleep with women they don’t find attractive or emotionally care about? This all happened before me, but I can’t seem to fully let it go. Crazy thing is she recently got married.
TL;DR, am i overreacting to my bf’s past with his FWB
Comments
what concerns me the most is that she does not consider the boundary of marriage to be a stop sign. to her that means your man is still fair game and that is a huuuuuuuuuuuge red flag. It also means that she wont respect her own marriage so dont think that she is gone just because she has a different last name. It sounds like she is still chasing her feelings from high school and never really got over that crush. Your husband knowing her history, behavior and their past together should not engage in her, and the fact he went over to her house is concerning.
While your reaction & insecurity to all these things is normal, you should have a serious and open discussion with your bf. Tell him about how it makes you feel and ask him for clarity about what his feelings are towards her and does he still see a future with you or not.
There’s no point in overthinking in isolation. Have an honest and open discussion with him.