I now understand how people can become alcoholics.

I just get it now, when I drink I am more, I can have conversations and find paths to keep them going, I can ask people questions that when I’m sober I think are invasive or too much but when I’m drunk, or I guess tipsy they don’t seem to mind answering (and maybe they wouldn’t mind answering them if I’m sober and had the courage to ask). I’m chatty, engaging and people talk to me even if they aren’t drunk with me or know that I’m day drinking. I don’t drink often, mainly I cann’t afford to be alcohol as I’m a student but even I like me better when I’m drunk, I feel friendlier.

I know there is a line, I’m drinking now because of Easter break, but I would never on a week day as part of my course involves dealing with vulnerable people and having to be on top of things, engaged and using my brain when I’m on. Now with the holiday I don’t have to be so just making small talk in the shared kitchen is so easy.

I know it would be more socially acceptable to go to one of the parties that are happening with the end of term but normally I keep to myself and keep my head down. I want to let loose and I honestly want to feel like I feel about myself when I’m tipsy (happy and sociable) when I’m sober.

I understand people wanting to feel that way constantly, not having to worry about other life issues, chasing the high (probably not the way to phrase it), feeling centered or just not caring about other things. I know I could let myself try and chase this feeling forever, this buzz that I’m feeling, follow the shining light in the dark that so many of my family members followed before me. I bet I could even keep it under control, or at least let start it off that way, then only drinking weekends, then after work, then nearly all time, until I become my forefathers.

I’m scared that I feel this way. The euphoria I feel that I know is artifical but works better then any antidepressants I ever tried. I feel liberated yet terrified of the future and where these tiny steps in the path will take me. It’s just so easy to follow them I want to keep walking it, going further down the road that will eventually already me to my ruin.

TLDR: Being drunk feels so good I never want to stop. Part of me wants to keep drinking, the other part says don’t because I know where it leads, bit it’s so hard to say no.