This is hands down one of the stupidest and most cursed things I’ve ever done, and yet somehow… I’m still kind of proud of it.
I was seventeen. Bored. Hanging around with four other equally bored idiots. The kind of night where anything stupid feels like a good idea if it makes someone laugh hard enough to nearly puke.
That’s when I turned to my mate and asked a question I’d never even considered before, and yet it felt weirdly profound in the moment:
“You reckon you could shit in a condom?”
He laughed. Then paused.
“Course I could… easy. Why?”
I told him I’d give him a fiver if he could do it without making a mess.
So off I went. Upstairs. Grabbed the only condom I had—strawberry flavoured. No idea why I owned flavoured ones. It just felt tragic and slightly ominous.
He disappeared into the toilet. Three minutes later he walked back in like a man who’d just discovered religion.
He held out the condom, tied off at the end. And inside… a perfectly sealed, absolutely real, horrifyingly warm poo. No mess. No smell—yet. No shame.
It was honestly art. Geometry. Balance. Precision. His arsehole had delivered a clean torpedo of chaos with all the accuracy of a 3D printer. The bastard didn’t even need to wash his hands.
That’s when it hit me: we couldn’t waste this.
So we walked. Five of us. Down a quiet street. One lad holding the Strawberry Gift at arm’s length, dry-heaving every few steps while the rest of us gasped through tears and laughter.
The smell hit about halfway there. The strawberry flavour had somehow blended with the heat of his insides and created this slipstream of tuna ,sweet strawberry latex and raw shit. It was like being chased by a scented candle made in hell.
You knew someone had entered the slipstream because they’d instantly go from laughing to heaving.
We reached our chosen house—a lad we knew but didn’t really like. We left it on his doorstep like a biological Amazon Prime delivery. Rang the bell. Ran like lunatics into the night.
The next day we go into school and sit down at lunch. Just so happened we knew a kid who also knew the person who’s house we’d left our little strawberry gift at.
He told us the guys parents came out and saw this perfectly formed turd just laid there and they burst out laughing before figuring out how to dispose of it.
I know this is disgusting. I know this is stupid. But I swear to god it happened, and when I think about it now—I don’t feel regret. I feel awe. Respect. Maybe even nostalgia.
Because on that day, I witnessed something truly rare.
I witnessed the birth of a legend.
The Man with the Golden Asshole.
Comments
The question is, who can just poop on command?
I read the tile a closed reddit, enough internet for today
Mate your description of this is just beautiful
You sir, are a scholar
Who left a turd at someone doorstep but a scholar nonetheless
You had me cackling 😭😭 so I’m going to believe that this is real lmfaoo
A+ storytelling
Howling reading this 😂 Hope a condom filled with Jobbie never reaches my door 💩
I don’t care what anyone says, I will believe this story and this will be my new “this is such a *** moment” reference for sure 😂
This just made me cackle in history class LOL
>He disappeared into the toilet. Three minutes later he walked back in like a man who’d just discovered religion.
LMAO 😂
As sick to my stomach as I feel, that was an highly poetic read
Reddit gold
This is youth. This is free will. This… Is art.
Fuck sake this is brilliant!
Also 10/10 storytelling, you should become a writer.
this is the best thing i’ve read this year!
Amazing writing. Really gripping stuff. Take my upvote.
Mate… just brilliant, salad days.
“slipstream of tuna, sweet strawberry latex, and raw shit”
You are a poet
Dude, you’re a master writer and your story is golden.
Nothing to be ashamed of, poop is funny.
We did something similar although instead of leaving it on a doorstep, we smeared it around inside a convenience store microwave and cooked it. Yes, they deserved what they got
How do you know he didnt clean the condom and his hands while he was in the bathroom? He might not be the Man with the Golden Asshole. It requires live demonstration.
I hate how well written this is
So I’ve only been on Reddit for a few days and I discovered…I’m not yet comfortable with the application and this is my first comment…this poop story is fascinating!!
And all this in pure style!!
Sincerely…BRAVO!!!
The fact that it was so funny that it got the victims of shit on the door step laugh too. Premium pranking
Man I may have to try this! Hahah been trying to come up with some revenge 😂🤣
Ima go ahead and file this under “shit that happened”😭😭🤣🤣🤣
Now this is a confession.
Well then, I’m proud of you too!
You, Sir, are quite the raconteur 👌
Your storytelling is beautiful
This is the funniest shit I have seen all day thank you King
this made my day lol
Friends don’t let friends do stupid stuff… ALONE! 😉 Excellent story and even better telling of it!
I consider one of my top skills being supremely comfortable and able to pee absolutely anywhere, under any circumstance. Outdoors? Surrounded by people? Urinal? Squatting? You name it, I’ll pee if I need to. That skill was developed by a not too dissimilair story and much like you: zero regrets in the act and the retelling.
5 stars, dearest 🫶
You write so well. It was a delight to read.
Congratulation to you for the idea and congratulation to your friend for making this art out of his asshole. I suggest to repeat the experience with another flavor, compare results and report here.
I swear some lads have this uncanny ability to just drop a dookie in the weirdest of places.
Knew a guy who crapped in someone’s mailbox.
the strawberry gift😭😭😭😭😭