I pray to God all the time to kill me

I’m not sure why I hate my life so much but I hate myself. I hate my life I it. I created this person in my head that is sad, depressed, worthless, and a failure and it’s been drilled into me so long. I can’t escape it now. I mean a lot of other things as well that led up to like childhood abuse and drug addict, addiction, and depression, anxiety, and you know all of that stuff. And one thing I noticed was I have zero desire to be alive and I have no motivation to do anything because I don’t actually want to be alive. I think it’s because I’ve never experienced love aside from maybe really liking someone for a couple weeks every time I like him when I get too invested because It’s like water to someone in the desert and I guess I push people away. I say the wrong thing I start talking shit to myself I don’t know what to do to change. I’ve never been a winner and I just wanna win. I just have been losing everything I’ve ever tried and I really realizing that my life is shit. I’m like the least successful person in the room at all times in every aspect if I had more courage, I would kill myself. Nobody knows how I feel. I don’t know how I would even tell anyone. What are they supposed to do? Nobody really wants to deal with your problems. I learned that the more that I say something is wrong with me the less people want anything to do with me. But I just need help and I don’t know what to do and every day I feel like just killing myself makes a bit more sense. I have tried a lot of things and I really really tried and I just go back because I’m an idiot. I guess I don’t know. Is there any hope for me?