I really need to get this off my chest. Sorry if this is messy, a lot has happened.
I (F19) have been with my boyfriend (M20) for 1 year and 7 months. We moved in together last October. For context, I’m an international student living alone in Australia. I have no close friends here because I isolated myself from everyone. I come from a family where affection was never shown, while my boyfriend grew up in a secure, loving family. He’s really good at building relationships, something I really struggle with.
Physically, my boyfriend is very attractive (like a 9/10), and he’s confident. I’m a chubby Asian girl who has always been extremely insecure about my weight and appearance. I was bullied about my body since I was 9 and it left deep scars. Growing up, I was suicidal, hospitalized a few times, and constantly searched for validation, sometimes in unhealthy ways (like hooking up randomly or exposing myself online when I was a minor). This is my first real relationship.
In the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t feel deeply attached, so I wasn’t very jealous or insecure. I paid for most of our dates, food, activities, and gifts because he was unemployed with no financial support. As time went on and I fell more in love, my insecurities started to show badly. I got mad easily, picked fights, and became controlling. He even deleted all his social media and cut off some of his friends just to make me feel secure, but it still wasn’t enough for me.
He genuinely loved me, but I couldn’t see it because I was trapped in my own fears. I pressured him to talk about his exes even when he didn’t want to. I stalked all his exes, even girls he talked to back in 9th grade. I obsessed over them, comparing myself constantly. I even obsessed over his old celebrity crushes, studying what they looked like and feeling even worse about myself.
Last June, I found an old Instagram account of his and forced him to log in. I saw that he had saved pictures of a few K-pop idols. I spiraled, accused him of being obsessed with them, and it led to a huge argument where we broke up, though we still acted like a couple afterward (dating, hanging out) without officially being boyfriend/girlfriend.
Even though his past relationships were short and meaningless (2 months, 3 months on and off, and a 2-week thing where the girls pursued him), I couldn’t let go of the resentment. I never forgave anything that hurt me, even if it wasn’t fair.
After moving in together, things got worse. I would constantly check his phone. One day, after an argument where I called him a “mommy’s boy” (something he hates), he lost control. He punched a door, and during the fight, he ended up strangling me. I called my mom, crying, but she lives halfway across the world. I went to the police honestly just to scare him but they issued a restraining order against us. (Yes, we still lived together illegally after that.)
Three days ago, I went through his phone again while he was sleeping. There was nothing bad until I checked his TikTok. I saw that he had clicked into a few random girls’ profiles after they popped up on his For You Page. One video especially triggered me it was a normal girl, not a celebrity, with only 1,000 views. I got mad because when we were together, he never cared about random girls online, so why would he do it now?
When I confronted him, he said the girl looked like she was AI-generated (even the comments said so), and that’s why he checked her profile. But in my head, it felt like he was saying she was “so pretty she looked unreal,” and it broke me. I woke him up at 4 AM, threw his phone at him, and texted him for hours saying horrible things. I told him to pack his stuff and leave even though deep down, I didn’t want him to. But he took me seriously, packed up, and left by 1 PM.
After he left, I broke down. I realized I was truly alone. I drank heavily, cut myself with anything sharp I could find, and overdosed on pills. I haven’t eaten properly since. I didn’t want him to leave I just didn’t know how to express that I was hurt without pushing him away.
Now, it’s complicated because his parents, who were already against him moving out, have him back under their roof and are super strict. They won’t let him come visit me, even though we’re still texting (mostly arguing). I’m trying to do no-contact now because everything is so messy and painful but I still want to be with him and ask him to move back in with me.
Today, I’m finally meeting with a doctor to get a referral for psychiatric help. I’ve never gotten real help for my mental health before because it was too expensive and I didn’t want to burden my parents. But I know I need to change, or I’ll keep ruining my life and any relationships I have.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I really need to get this off my chest. Sorry if this is messy, a lot has happened.
I (F19) have been with my boyfriend (M20) for 1 year and 7 months. We moved in together last October. For context, I’m an international student living alone in Australia. I have no close friends here because I isolated myself from everyone. I come from a family where affection was never shown, while my boyfriend grew up in a secure, loving family. He’s really good at building relationships, something I really struggle with.
Physically, my boyfriend is very attractive (like a 9/10), and he’s confident. I’m a chubby Asian girl who has always been extremely insecure about my weight and appearance. I was bullied about my body since I was 9 and it left deep scars. Growing up, I was suicidal, hospitalized a few times, and constantly searched for validation, sometimes in unhealthy ways (like hooking up randomly or exposing myself online when I was a minor). This is my first real relationship.
In the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t feel deeply attached, so I wasn’t very jealous or insecure. I paid for most of our dates, food, activities, and gifts because he was unemployed with no financial support. As time went on and I fell more in love, my insecurities started to show badly. I got mad easily, picked fights, and became controlling. He even deleted all his social media and cut off some of his friends just to make me feel secure, but it still wasn’t enough for me.
He genuinely loved me, but I couldn’t see it because I was trapped in my own fears. I pressured him to talk about his exes even when he didn’t want to. I stalked all his exes, even girls he talked to back in 9th grade. I obsessed over them, comparing myself constantly. I even obsessed over his old celebrity crushes, studying what they looked like and feeling even worse about myself.
Last June, I found an old Instagram account of his and forced him to log in. I saw that he had saved pictures of a few K-pop idols. I spiraled, accused him of being obsessed with them, and it led to a huge argument where we broke up, though we still acted like a couple afterward (dating, hanging out) without officially being boyfriend/girlfriend.
Even though his past relationships were short and meaningless (2 months, 3 months on and off, and a 2-week thing where the girls pursued him), I couldn’t let go of the resentment. I never forgave anything that hurt me, even if it wasn’t fair.
After moving in together, things got worse. I would constantly check his phone. One day, after an argument where I called him a “mommy’s boy” (something he hates), he lost control. He punched a door, and during the fight, he ended up strangling me. I called my mom, crying, but she lives halfway across the world. I went to the police honestly just to scare him but they issued a restraining order against us. (Yes, we still lived together illegally after that.)
Three days ago, I went through his phone again while he was sleeping. There was nothing bad until I checked his TikTok. I saw that he had clicked into a few random girls’ profiles after they popped up on his For You Page. One video especially triggered me it was a normal girl, not a celebrity, with only 1,000 views. I got mad because when we were together, he never cared about random girls online, so why would he do it now?
When I confronted him, he said the girl looked like she was AI-generated (even the comments said so), and that’s why he checked her profile. But in my head, it felt like he was saying she was “so pretty she looked unreal,” and it broke me. I woke him up at 4 AM, threw his phone at him, and texted him for hours saying horrible things. I told him to pack his stuff and leave even though deep down, I didn’t want him to. But he took me seriously, packed up, and left by 1 PM.
After he left, I broke down. I realized I was truly alone. I drank heavily, cut myself with anything sharp I could find, and overdosed on pills. I haven’t eaten properly since. I didn’t want him to leave I just didn’t know how to express that I was hurt without pushing him away.
Now, it’s complicated because his parents, who were already against him moving out, have him back under their roof and are super strict. They won’t let him come visit me, even though we’re still texting (mostly arguing). I’m trying to do no-contact now because everything is so messy and painful but I still want to be with him and ask him to move back in with me.
Today, I’m finally meeting with a doctor to get a referral for psychiatric help. I’ve never gotten real help for my mental health before because it was too expensive and I didn’t want to burden my parents. But I know I need to change, or I’ll keep ruining my life and any relationships I have.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.