One of the biggest personal shifts I’ve made recently has been in how I show up at work—both physically and emotionally as a girl in her late twenties
I’m Running a Social Experiment at Work—And the Results Are Wild
I’ve spent most of my career in office environments showing up looking put together—like, really put together. Stylish dresses, accessories, a polished face, nails always done. I didn’t do it to be praised, I just genuinely enjoy fashion and was raised with the idea that as a woman—especially a Black woman—you leave the house looking your best. And whether it was a plain dress or a coordinated outfit, people always noticed. Compliments were constant, and even when I was just throwing something on, folks would comment on how “dressed up” I looked.
But lately, I’ve been running a bit of an experiment. I started a new job at a super casual, small office—less than 10 people, startup vibes. And after a year away from the office grind, I realized I no longer owned traditional workwear. More importantly, I didn’t feel like spending money to rebuild that kind of wardrobe. So I didn’t. I show up now in plain tees, loose jeans, natural makeup (if any), open-toe sandals, and just… keep it simple. No nails, no lashes, nothing “done.” I’m clean, I’m presentable, and honestly—comfortable.
For years, I was always “on.” Outgoing, bubbly, funny—the one who made others feel at ease. I was the person reaching out, checking in, initiating plans, and helping to smooth over social dynamics at work or in friend groups. While that’s naturally part of who I am, I started realizing that I was also performing a version of myself that made other people comfortable, often at the expense of my own energy and authenticity.
So when 2025 began, I made a decision to stop performing. Yes, I’m still kind and cordial. I’ll still joke around and have conversations. But I’m no longer going out of my way to insert myself into every conversation or make sure I’m part of the group. If people are making plans and I’m not directly invited, I’m not inviting myself. If coworkers don’t ask about my weekend, I’m not going to push conversation just to fill space. It’s not coming from a place of bitterness; it’s coming from a place of clarity. I’ve spent so much time initiating and giving that I never paused to ask, “What does it look like when people reach for me?
The shift in how I’m perceived? Fascinating. The women who used to light up with compliments when I was “on” don’t say a word now. The men? They gush over the younger girls who dress up more. It’s not that I’m mistreated—it’s more like I’ve faded into the background. It’s subtle, but it’s real. And what’s most interesting is how much people expect women to maintain an aesthetic. When you show up “too” polished, they assume it’s just who you are—and the one time you deviate, they ask if something’s wrong. But when you opt out completely, people seem almost… disappointed? It’s revealing to see how much value—conscious or not—is tied to a woman’s presentation, and how quickly you become invisible when you step outside the expected mold. There’s a strange kind of peace in that. Even if it feels a little dismissive at times, it’s freeing not to be constantly managing people’s perceptions.
Anyone else experience this ? Also I know this is not some life changing thing. I think it’s mainly just I’m tired of performing or even giving my best/all to just some coworkers. Maybe if it were a larger office with more people opportunities and places but it feels like I’m wasting looks and energies for 10 people who I barely see/know.
Comments
This is very interesting and insightful. But you already answered a lot of questions in your summary. 🙂
Holy fuck yes. I’m doing a reverse over the years of this and the change is faaaacinating
I have never been an “on” woman, I don’t wear make up or dress up, I don’t work in an office environment so clothes need to be practical and cheap anyway, in case I get something thrown at me. Out of work I’m a dog mum, so then it’s hairy clothes lol
So I’ve never experienced the “on” side you’ve spoken of. I find your experience very interesting. Personally I couldn’t deal with being that way, I enjoy peace too much.
You seem happy, so that’s all the matters. Plus getting ready is quicker haha
Do you think that your ethnicity also contributes to how people might be treating you now?
Had a reverse kind of thing happen to me. I always dressed plain at work, thats my thing. And almost all of my jobs either had a uniform or color restrictions (wear only x, y or z) so no point getting an elaborate wardrobe.
My therapist wanted me to try dressing cuter to see if it helped my mental health (which yes, it did) and eventually i was bold enough to try doing it at work. I started accessorizing my outfits with jewelry or hair pieces. I mostly liked wearing cute, unique pieces I got from artists such as dangly strawberry earrings or galaxy printed headband. I even upgraded my usual black frame glasses to purple speckles. Suddenly, I was noticed. More clients approached me and started conversations. My coworkers complimented my sense of style. I was a little more confident as a front desk operator.
It’s fascinating how clothes and accessories cam change perspectives of yourself and those around you.
If you don’t dress up at work, what about elsewhere? Do you still put on a cute outfit for errands, hangouts or just because? Or did you transition to your plain style all the time?
I work at a top five tech company, we are all nerds. If you are customer facing role or executive, nobody care what you wear.
Hm. We have voluntary corporate clothes at work. But I noticed what you say. It makes a huge importance to others and oneself how you dress, but people are silent about it. Pretty strange experience.
Do you ever think about how the results would skew as you age? Say you went back to being as presentable as possible but when you’re older. I wonder if people would notice, if they’d treat you the same as when you weee dressed up and younger. Older women often say they are invisible, I wonder how much effort they put in to their appearance could influence that, if at all.
Also how much money do you think you’ve saved living the way you do?
I’ve done this too recently, I’ve found it quite empowering really. I felt like growing up I was just a doll for society to ogle at and comment on, whereas now I feel more recognised for my brain and talents. My experiment has been to wear the same black dress every day for months to my office job, and to my surprise, not one person even noticed!
This is so clearly written by AI. AI loves the em dash (long -) between words and capitalises words that don’t need it “And the Results Are Wild”. You’re pathetic.
You do realize the same is true for men right? For women it’s just amplified, but less than you think. Clothes and presentation have an immense impact on your… well, presentation.
How people treat me when I’m well dressed vs how they treat me when I’m dressed like a hobo is night and day.
How women reacts to my presence, and what kind of women do, wildly oscillates based on how I am dressed.
I would never go in a full suit to my stoner friend’s birthday, and I would never go with a slayer t-shirt to close a deal (unless the customer is a metalhead, then slayer it is).
It’s been like that probably for millennia. People judge you based on appearances, like it or not
Honestly, you go girl! Be comfortable!
[deleted]
You’re having a mid-life crisis
What would you like us to ask about this? You gave a pretty thorough account in the body text.
How do you barely know people if there’s only 10 people?
Are you promoting this to other people?
Your post is super relatable. I stopped dressing up because I didn’t like the attention, women weren’t nice, and men were pigs. So I try to make myself as plain as possible, and I enjoy it. You’re right sometimes I’m invisible, or don’t get customer service the same as the people that are dressed up. But I also wasn’t doing it for me initially. I was doing it to fit into a mold. And now I’m just making my own mold. I appreciate your candor in your post. Thank you for writing this.
It happens to men as well. I used to wear suits to work when I was client facing but could and did wear casual on other days. And as I wandered the city and shops in particular the attention difference was bonkers. Look like a casual and you will fade into the background, guarateed, no matter your gender.
I kind of think your view is the wrong way round.
Most people, in general don’t stand out. How you are being treated now that you have dressed more causal or basic is how the vast majority of people are treated or viewed (or not viewed would be more accurate). When you dressed up and was done up, you stood out because that’s not the norm. It’s kind of like “peacocking”. And it goes for men and women too. I have seen it with guys who dressed down all the time and the one time they wear a suit or look more professional, the immediate joke is “are you going for an interview”.
People are naturally always more drawn to something that stands out.
Welcome. You have unlocked one of the bonus points you get when you‘re over 40.
It‘s strangely freeing, isn‘t it?
The workplace is so much different than it used to be. I remember the days when women were expected to wear pencil skirts, v-neck sweaters, stockings, and pumps. You could grab a blazer and slacks with one of those frilly shirts underneath for fun (ha). But don’t forget those pumps!
All of my clothes like that are long gone. I hated them. But the reality was, you had to dress like that. Sounds crazy but that’s how it was.
I now wear what I want. To be clear: I will never be a peacock. That’s just not in me. I wear what makes me feel good about me. And the office environment in 2025 lets us. If someone is looking sideways at you b/c of how you are dressed, that’s on them, not on you.
Are you perceived differently because of your clothes? Well yes. That’s what people do and it will never change. I’m old and fat now. I know people judge me at first look for it. Whatever. People still idolize influencers, spend tons of money on clothing promoted by stars, etc. We wear t-shirts with social statements. We let our personalities show more. And that’s a good thing.
Hey so, I am not a woman but as a male, I was this “ON” guy too in my previous workplace. Super helpful, going out of the way, committments and parties outside the workplace etc etc. Eventually it became a bit too much for me: I could not say no to people and I ended up wasting a lot of time that I could have invested in my actual relationship with my then girlfriend and other worthwhile endeavours.
When I got a new job last year, I made a deliberate switch to be “OFF” and just as you said it, “not inserting myself everywhere”. And honestly, it is so much better. You do dissolve in the background, but there is no liability anymore. I am my own person and I decide where I spend my time on. And my relationship with my now wife has improved. I still dress well but I have stopped caring about what people think or perceive me of. That said, if someone talks to me, I am still super kind and helpful but not to the point that I become the “go-to-guy”. You get FOMO in the beginning but you get over it.
I’m a say. I’ve always been a plain Jane at work because I like to workout in the morning and sleep in as much as I can. I’m clean and presentable but not much else.
My coworkers and the executive team respect me and my work. It’s generally accepted that I am the most competent and knowledgeable person at the office. (Their acknowledgement and metrics show this).
When it comes time for public important facing events, I am never chosen. It’s always the lovely but far less performing women who wear heels and dresses and jewelry and makeup and hair done. I have nothing against them. They are my friends.
But it is noticeable the offer to represent has never been extended to me once.
This is what it’s like to live as a woman over 50.
I’ve (40m) actually been dressing up more as I’m looking to make some moves at work. And I’ve noticed that I get more comments about “being on” and “dressing to impress”. I don’t think this is a gender thing as much an effort thing. People see it and recognize the effort behind it.
Woman runs experiment, gets exactly what everyone expected. News at 10.
I recently started doing the opposite…
I used to basically never wear makeup. Not to work for SURE, but even on a day to day, I wouldn’t style my hair or do my makeup unless I was going out for dinner..
which was like once ever 2 weeks lol so basically I never wore makeup/had my hair done. I recently started doing daily makeup and hair. I just started doing it as part of my morning skincare routine. Cleanse, moisturize, SPF, makeup. I do a quick 5 minute face.. and my hair I style it in a way that holds the style for a few days so I don’t need to do my hair daily. Anyways my mental health has never been better.. I really don’t give a shit about men’s approval and it’s not about that, but when I catch my reflection in a mirror and I look disheveled, I realized it was affecting my mood. Now I see myself and I feel good. I don’t think this applies to all situations and maybe it doesn’t apply to yours, but when I “try” my quality of life definitely feels better
Thanks chat GPT
I have worked in customer facing positions for 27 years, in hospitality and service industry. I used to start getting ready hours before my shift, making sure I looked perfect from every angle, had the perfect outfit when not having to abide by uniforms, the whole thing. Even if I wasn’t feeling great, I would still go full glam, and I would never allow a photo to be taken, or for anyone in that orbit to see me otherwise. Then came COVID. I stopped with all of that day to day. We moved, and while I still work in a consumer facing role, I do not do anything more than the bare minimum day to day, unless I’m going to be on camera, or in front of internal VIPs etc , and it has been absolutely amazing. What’s NOT amazing, is now when I present in anyway other than bare minimum, people feel the need to comment on it, every. Single. Time. It is so f*cking annoying to have to play off the uncomfortable comments with, “yeah, I decided to look like a human being today”, or whatever equally annoying quip I have to come up with to acknowledge whatever pointless and unnecessary comment aimed my way. I live in a bigger city than where I work, and my work is an hour and 15 minute drive each way, so I spend an extra 2.5 hours a day just in the car. That’s an extra 12.5 hours a week just commuting, so I don’t worry about “presentation” as much unless there is special circumstances, and you are right. I have become Grey, as in, I’m just sort of there, where as before I was constantly front and center any place I was before. I don’t crave attention, so I’m totally cool with it, but it was a very obvious change, and completely related to how much emphasis people place on perceived importance of presentation and being female.
This is a thing 100%. My last job I started 9 years ago (I’ve been a stay at home mom now though for 4 years). At the time, I was in my late 20s and definitely took the time to make myself look good. I started as a receptionist, but was quickly approached by the head of HR, asking if I wanted to be his assistant. I know I got the job because of how I look, I’m not a moron. I have no qualifications for it, they could have easily interviewed and found someone who went to school for it. But I looked good and was social as hell, in an man-dominated industry (automotive), so I got good treatment cause of this, and could see it, compared to the girls who showed up plain Jane with no makeup etc. THEN, once I got into the role and started doing interviews… I was literally told to screen girls by looks. I would start the first interview, and my boss would come by in peek in the window. If he could see she was a pretty, he’d come in and join, or give a thumbs up to schedule a second interview he could join. If he walked by and didn’t like what he saw, he’d literally give a thumbs down and even if I thought they were the most perfect fit, my view wouldn’t matter if they weren’t pretty and bubbly enough. I left the job shortly after noticing all this and never went back to work. Lol
Happened to me after I crossed the rubicon to “old lady”. Didn’t realize HOW invisible I’d become until I was until I was out with my young nieces that I had not been under the male gaze for a looooooonnnggg time. It’s not all bad but not great either.
This reads so strongly of AI that it’s weird and distracting to read
You can tell when someone’s got a fake job lol.
This is fascinating and I’ve done similar experiments in my own life. I honestly found it a bit sad at first when I realized how much of the reaction I was getting from other people was tied to my physical appearance. However, as time went on, I found it quite freeing. I no longer feel obligated to present myself to the world in any way but the way I am, or feel, right now. I’m just more free. It’s great. Also, my gosh I save sooo much time getting ready and I love that!
Are you depressed?
I’ve always been the plain one, but I am also a very strong worker and tend to lead by example in creative teams enough to always be a default lead. I am always amazed at what people will say in front of you if you are one of the ‘invisible women’.
> I’m no longer going out of my way to insert myself into every conversation or make sure I’m part of the group. If people are making plans and I’m not directly invited, I’m not inviting myself. If coworkers don’t ask about my weekend, I’m not going to push conversation just to fill space.
You have too many variables in your experiment. Personally I don’t care what you dress like, but your actions are different now and this will have a much bigger effect. If you don’t interact with people, of course they’re going to interact with you differently in return.
Its not wild at all. When you present yourself in a certain way to the world, the world responds.
I’m a 40 year old guy. I get chatted up far more when I travel or eat at a steakhouse bar while wearing a suit or something smart versus jeans and a company-logo golf polo.
If it extremely freeing and the relationships you have become much more authentic because you are more authentic. There may be far fewer of them but they are much higher quality. Good on you for finding this kind of wisdom.
I’m most comfortable in a t shirt in jeans and the pressure to be fashionable is….immense. I go out and always feel less than the other women around me. I just can’t bring myself to commit the time to do my hair everyday or the money to have my nails done, to collect a wardrobe other women have. It’s not like I don’t WANT to, partially I financially can’t, but I do feel intimidated by women who are fashionable and I do feel like I have less respect in my work environment (I’m in sales) from women when I am not super super super put together.
Interesting but I’d want to know how it would go with only changing clothes style because here, you’re saying you also toned down your attitude so it doesn’t surprise me that you got these reactions.
I recently went to a Ladies’ Gathering that had a “Southern Belle” theme, so I looked super dressy in florals and lace from hat to toe. I had to run into a couple stores and the gas station on the way. People were very courteous to me, and I felt like we were role- playing a sort of old-fashioned gentility. 😆
Made me think how we are always “presenting” ourselves to the world some way.
I’m usually dressed very casually, but it was fun to be all dressed up for a bit.
Yeah, I don’t dress up much and it does make people react funny. They think a huge range of things from that you must be a lesbian to you don’t understand how to look good. It doesn’t bother me though. I see them as unable to parse how much they’re influenced by society and I kind of feel bad for them because it’s all surface stuff.
wait till you hit menopause- you become completely invisible. it helps with shoplifting 🤣🤣- but seriously it’s as if I don’t exist anymore
“The shift in how I’m perceived? Fascinating. The women who used to light up with compliments when I was “on” don’t say a word now. The men? They gush over the younger girls who dress up more. It’s not that I’m mistreated—it’s more like I’ve faded into the background.”
yeah same, i just never got into making myself care about anything (not always in a good way). Now I just dress plain and sometimes look like mess which i need to improve on(self cut hair, not very tidy clothes, ect… im fixing that).
And.. honestly as a college student people do talk to me… other classmates.. convos are about academics, maybe some cool idea, more nerdy.. i’ve made friends with people who seem to give off somewhat nerdier vibes than most. Its cool though! I’ve been invited to study groups still.
I’ve made friends, its all fine…
” It’s revealing to see how much value—conscious or not—is tied to a woman’s presentation, and how quickly you become invisible when you step outside the expected mold.”
Sometimes i feel like, in growing up homeschooled (and now i wonder if i had autism on top of that) I just skipped that step. I like to care for my hair but thats cause hey its fun! I came to church one, however, dressed up and got a couple compliments. It felt odd… wasn’t used to that.
I think people just assume i’m off or something as well, just in general. I feel like i sometimes am missing some cueues that get others to want to pay that much attention into dressing up. Why care? Yeah i get treated differently probably but at this point i can’t make myself care at all.
I’m going into engineering so idrc… also haven’t had to deal with creeps which is nice. The one time a random guy approached me it was for non-sexual reasons, and we chatted a bit on campus, was neat. I think the dude has autism ngl just going off of body language and how he talked/what he talked about.
There are exceptions to this because some people genuinely enjoy dressing up and looking put on and all the effort that goes into it but I feel like what you are going through most women 35 plus experience. We somewhere along the way noticed its all an act and not worth the effort. It’s sucks because the work should matter but sometimes it doesn’t. That is what I liked about telework- it eliminated all that garbage. I have mulled over the idea of a work uniform for years. Something like a suit but less formal and little more feminine.
That is interesting….
I am 35 and I don’t gaf, I never did, I wear weird clothes to my federal job and I’ve never worn makeup or styled my hair. I have a white cat lady vibe lol. But people light up when I enter the office. Because I am nice and I’m the one who remembers birthdays and ball games and kids names. So I would say, you get the energy you put in, and I don’t mean makeup and clothes and accessories.
It does feel good to stop trying so darn hard to please. Do you feel more respected? It’s different than more popular, right. Like of course the young ladies all dressed up will get more attention but is it worth it?
I think appearance is a huge factor when it comes to the way you and others are perceived – it’s the halo effect.
I also think that woman have ridiculous beauty standards they have to meet, so where as a guy you can put on outfit on that fits properly and get a haircut, for woman unfortunately the bar is much much higher.
If you are “unkept” and look like you have made low effort relative to your peers, you’re going to be judged as if that permeates throughout your entire person.
So shitty how work and treatment is based on how you look and conform to norms rather than your actual production
I work a very casual job. For years now, I’ve been wearing to work the same outfit. Exactly the same, every day. Black Tee, sand comfy pants, different colors. Usually green/gray/blue/red, no makeup, canvas boots. Literal years. I’m very comfortable, and I do look presentable, it’s just different sets of basically the same fit. I don’t know why I started doing it in the first place, but I safe my few fancier outfits for things that are… Not work. You don’t owe anyone an aesthetic. In my experience, no one cares.
Very interesting! Thanks for this AMA! Related – I (F, 54) was reasonably pretty when I was younger. Then after age 40ish, I noticed I was fading into the background…like I’m no longer relevant.
I find this very disconcerting. I feel like I’m a nobody now in some ways.
AI
So you behave withdrawn and put little effort into your appearance and are fascinated that people aren’t interested in you. Wow, great research
I read your post, put my phone down, and stared off onto the middle distance for a bit just letting it all sink in. It’s a powerful perspective and I’m really glad you shared your experience. I have some big feelings that hit me after reading your post, and I know my response is super long and pretty emotional. Please feel free to ignore it. I think I just need to say it for my own processing and honestly to just get it off my chest.
I used to do my hair, makeup, nails etc because it felt good. It was armor to feel put-together, even on days that I felt anxious or sad. I’d sometimes get dressed up just to run errands by myself, go to a museum, or walk to the corner store and pick up a pastry or coffee. It was a way I was signaling, without even realizing it myself, that I was choosing to participate in life that day.
I moved to a leaky, run-down “fixer upper” in the woods several years ago. The only heat is a wood stove, and I’m constantly covered in ash. My cute sundresses and heels are still boxed up from moving in, and I’ve spent years in a hoodie, jeans, and my big rubber boots. My hair is in a bun, my nails are bare and my collections of perfume, jewelry, and makeup are either lost to weather and rot, or expired by literal years. I used to get my hair done like clockwork. Had a membership to the waxing salon, and loved Botox and fillers.
And people used to hold the door open for me, or make small talk in lines, and I was greeted promptly and warmly by associates when I went shopping. I took great care of myself, and I paid the bills for all of it, and I felt so confident and beautiful. Now I’m invisible, unless I get eyed warily by staff who are trying to figure out who I’m shopping for when I make a rare trip to Sephora. My self-worth has taken a huge hit, and I cried big, ugly tears when I couldn’t make myself look anything better than simply presentable when I went to a big event I’d waited years to visit. I’m realizing that I wasn’t treated well before because I was any different as a person, but because of other people’s approval/appreciation for being nice to look at. I’m not saying I think I’m hot stuff, or that I’m a 11/10. But the way people treated me was essentially them rewarding me for satisfying their expectations that young women should be objects for them to enjoy. It’s a cliched saying, but “pretty” is not the rent I should have to pay to exist in the world.
Women are expected to do so much for so many. I know men have societal expectations that also force conformity and are unfair, but my experience on this earth is as a person who is expected, just by virtue of my sex, to smile, and smell nice, and have soft skin. I’m supposed to be all things to all people, to do it in heels and make it look easy, to stay up late on a task or at a function, yet never look tired or hungover or be irritated or standoffish.
I wasn’t being treated well because I was pretty. I was being rewarded for behaving.
My worth was estimated by those around me in direct relation to what others got out of me. I was helpful, cheerful, and nice to look at. Now I’m older, wiser, arguably more useful and skilled. I am, on paper, an even more valuable person to have around. And yet I have to be so much more forward and speak up than I did before, because people are less excited to interact with me. There’s power in looking and feeling attractive. But I thought for a long time that power belonged to the one being admired. It doesn’t. That power is weighted heavily to the ones DOING the admiring. To decide if I’m worth their time, or if I deserve an invitation or inclusion. To be seen. To be valued, respected, and heard. It is important to have purpose and to be useful. But I’m navigating the realization that so much of my use had nothing to do with me, and so much more to do with how I made others feel.
So basically it’s just one more way, as I bump into 40 years of age, that I realize the whole damn system is rigged. And while I miss the ritual of applying my makeup, part of me wants to burn the whole damn thing down.
Very well written.
This is exactly the opposite experience I’ve had as a woman in academia. Same with my husband, at google.
There has been a marked shift over the last decade, in which business casual has become increasingly casual. Maybe the final nail in the coffin was COVID and the rise of work from home.
Is this chatGPT?