Back before we went no contact… my MIL would send my husband care packages.
Sweet. In theory.
Husband was in his late 20s/early 30s and she would send him a large box of dollar store crap. Literally from the dollar store. And not something useful like kitchen supplies… literal toys that there was no way we would need, want, or use.
It cost more to ship than what she put in it.
- This showed how little she knew her son.
- It was done with pure spite.
Why, you may ask, was this done with pure spite?
Well, my husband had moved across the country after we met (years ago) and for school and work. At that time he could only afford to bring so many of his belongings. Several years later when we were settled and had space, he wanted his things. He offered to even pay to ship them, but most she had placed in a storage unit only she had access to so we needed her assistance. Instead, she sends this box of crap. Why was it more spiteful? The box was addressed to my husband (not weird) but then she had a letter for just him… and a letter for the dogs and cheap toys (dangerous for them and unusable). She also included several large tubs of dollar store cotton candy… after recently learning I was diabetic. There were a ton of cruddy sugary stuff in there… none of which he eats.
Second time near the holidays he says DO NOT SEND ME DOLLAR STORE CRAP. IT WILL GO IN THE GARBAGE. IF YOU WANT TO SEND SOMETHING SEND MY STUFF OR I COULD USE SOCKS AND BOXERS. (Always funny how we hated that as kids…) Husband goes on to say he has plenty of boxers and clothes he left behind, so she could just ship them. She then announces she has been wearing his boxers because they are comfy and to feel closer to him since she misses him. He gagged. She agrees to send his stuff and buy him new boxers because he was not gonna wear those. Wanna guess the outcome? She sent more dollar store crap and “new” boxers that were so cheap they ripped instantly. It was also at that point he learned the reason she wouldn’t help arrange to ship his items. SHE failed to make payments on the storage unit and had lost it YEARS ago. Never told him. He lost everything and she was too embarrassed to tell him. We could’ve made the payment or made arrangements.
Her family always tried to claim she was simple and just didn’t think that deeply about her actions. In reality, it was too exhausting to hold her accountable so they chose appeasement. These incidents were just warning signs that were so small in comparison to the abuse denying, antisemitism, emotional incest, involving his exes, boundary stomping, irresponsible actions, and more.
Husband, luckily, has a nice and shiny spine and going NC with her and most of his relatives was an easy decision. And me? I’ve got more insane stories than I can count…
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Glad he stands up to her but danggggg. Poor DH. God knows what else was in there that was important or held sentimental value 🙁
So my MIL and I are pretty much on the outs since my mom passed 3 years ago this coming October. Slowly but surely she’s trying to get me to break. Sorry, lady. I’ve lived through worse than what you can throw at me.
Anyways, to make a long story short, for my birthday she got me a ton of stuff. That. I. cannot. Use. I have chronic migraines (in the middle of an attack right now), and she knows. She’s always known. I’ve been around for 18 years and she’s seen everything I go through with multiple chronic illnesses.
White wine is a trigger. She gets me a HUGE bottle of a white wine id never heard of, a little trinket that she had already gotten me in a stocking for Christmas, and an over abundance of $$$. In gift cards. I do not accept any thing from her at all, as my husband has told her, many times. I’m giving the cards to my son for his bday, and I’ve had my husband put the amounts for the others back in her account.
I don’t take bribes to accept nasty behavior. So she spites me with whatever she can. “Happy out day! Here’s a bag full of shit you can’t use!”
TL:DR: I am commiserating with you greatly. These women are belligerent, and their behavior is unacceptable.
Choosing to wear his old briefs to “feel closer to him” is definitely emotionally unhealthy.
Blech
You and your partner need to take control of the situation. Maybe make the trip back to his mother and pack and ship what he wants. Anything he doesn’t want can be disposed of.
As for clothes buy what he needs. Sock and boxers are consumables and need replacement regularly.
Yes she’s being passive aggressive but while she is controlling the narrative she’s able to do this.
Any care package can then either be returned to sender, given to charity or put in the garbage.
While she still has things he wants he’s maintaining contact and she is probably scared that once he has things she will be forgotten and any attention is better than none even if it’s negative attention.
Decide if the items he wants are worth the stress or if it’s better to just move on.