Yesterday I had a violent interaction with some random men that left me frightened and dealing with a physcial PTSD response. I reached out to a counsellor and took the day off to recuperate, and foolishly reached out to my recent ex. He is one of those guys who calls himself feminist and speaks to his allyship and desire to unlearn sexism. I keep falling for it over and over…
On the phone he was supportive and agreed they were violent sexist men…. I felt safe inviting him over after he was done work. Later he texted and it was clear that stopping by my place had become simply a chore in his mind. I told him to please not come and that I don’t want angry/defensive energy in my home (that was one of the big issues in the relationship, his anger). I knew at this time I had made a mistake to contact him. He responded angrily, dimissing my concerns as passive aggressive (he always uses that term when he doesn’t like what a woman is saying) and dropping any pretense of care for me. He told me he was blocking my number because I trigger him, and that he is “working on his shit” and doesn’t need to be called on it.
I’m such a fool for trusting this man. He just repeated the immature mysogynistic behaviour I see every goddamn day in the rural backwards horrible place I live. For my work I’ve been reading about how people who profess to be anti-sexist and anti-racist are often the worst offenders, using their supposed allyship as a way to justify their horrible behaviour. I think that is what I see in this man. I just wish more than anything I hadn’t texted him because it prevented me from calming down properly.