30F. After my last LTR relationship ended about a year ago, I went through intense grieving. I grieved the fact that I may not ever have children or get married. I grieved that fact that, despite spending most of adult life in relationships, I’ve never been truly loved.
I’ve barely dated since that LTR ended and have been spending most of my time focused on healing, and it recently hit me like a ton of bricks that I HATE dating, and always have.
Every single relationship I’ve been in, I end up being treated like absolute shit. The ONLY people who have verbally, physically and emotionally abused me are these “men” whom I’ve “dated.” The ONLY people who have used me like some trophy in a game to be won over and disposed of are men I’ve “dated.” The ONLY people who have threatened to end my life is one of these so-called “men.” All that these relationships have brought me is pain, sadness and misery. They damage my self-worth.
I feel like I was fed these lies about how dating and finding my one would bring me happiness and love. Dating is not fun or fulfilling. It is a fuckin nightmare to navigate. I am convinced that 99% of men are not worth my time and that most people are too emotionally immature and self-centered to have a healthy relationship.
These days, I spend 0 time worrying about why someone isn’t texting me. I spend 0 time worrying if I accidentally got pregnant. I spend 0 time worrying if someone is lying to me. I spend 0 time worrying if I got some STD cus he might be cheating. I spend 0 time feeling guilty and embarrassed for having emotional needs and feelings. I spend 0 time worrying about whether someone actually likes me or is just gonna use me for an ego boost then discard me.
Dating is dangerous, and besides that, it’s fucking boring. I hate spending my precious time with some strange man and answering questions about myself like it’s a fuckn interview. Then these lame@ss guys think you’re gonna wanna kiss and touch them cus you sat on some wet ass grass with them at the park for like an hour.
Fuck dating.