39m. I was built for it in my early 20s. But then again, I didn’t see much in my early 20s. I started seeing more and more heavy shit the more the years went by. Now that I’m 39, with my own family, not only do I feel like I’m more at risk of endangering more than myself, it’s starting to fuck with me mentally.
I’m having nightmares, bad ones. I’m having visions, thoughts. I’m so paranoid all day, and I cannot shake it. I’ve tried therapy a few years ago and it worked for a while but things started happening and it started to get worse so I had to get out.
Why do I stay? Pay is amazing, and I do get a lot of time off to be with my family and enjoy my life. I’m praying that I can get more strength so I can stick it out a long while longer to where I can retire in happiness and peace but I don’t know how long that’s gonna be.
I loved my job so much 15 years ago. I loved getting to say that I help people stay safe, I kept the horrible people off the streets. I loved the fact that in my position, in any case of injustice within the department, I was able to make sure it was taken care of. I loved the fact that I could put a smile on peoples faces at least for the slightest second after they’ve felt like they lost everything, some did at times.
I don’t know what to do. A part of me is hoping I get better, and one day I can fall in love with my career again. Or just hoping the next day was a slight bit easier than the last.
Comments
I don’t know if you could take a week off to cool down, setup consultation with a therapist and try to make sense of what is going on with you. I think that would be the step 1.
If your department has a psychologist, go. See if you can work inside the station or promote to detective. PTSD with police is real. Don’t let it affect your family and you. Please talk to someone.
I think your a bot
Transfer to a calmer department?