I really wish I wasn’t straight sometimes. I am continuously disappointed and hurt by men

I have been: objectified, sexually harassed, raped, molested, choked, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused, cheated on, betrayed, lied to, stalked, followed, groped in public places, scammed, mocked, hated on…the list goes on. The list of perpetrators includes dozens of men from all various cultures and countries.

I have been on too many terrible first dates to count, some of them downright terrifying (as in, I didn’t know if I would survive). And yet, I still kept trying…because I’m straight. Because deep down, I still deeply desire and crave safe, secure love and acceptance from a man. I wish I didn’t, but I do, and I hate it. As much as men consistently hurt, endanger, and disappoint me, I still crave their validation and romance.

Now that I’m in my early 30s, the sexual abuse and harassment has definitely died down a lot, but men just hate me even more because apparently due to my age I’m “old and expired” and worthless since I’m not married and don’t have kids. So now I’m not desirable by most of them, which in some ways is peaceful, but it hurts because I still want love. I want a life partner who I can fully trust until the bitter end, who has my back, who could be a fantastic father to the future children I may or may not have. But trying to find a good one is like navigating a minefield. I used to think more men were “good” than bad, and that despite a few rare bad apples were out there but generally most are good. I unfortunately am no longer innocent and naive (thanks men, for stealing that from me!) so I don’t believe that fairytale anymore. My experiences have shown me the opposite is true.

I’m not trying to minimize the unique and valid struggles of lesbian/gay people. But good lord I wish I wasn’t straight because I keep risking my health, happiness, safety, and life due to my sexuality & desire for romantic love.