I am 33 and he is 31. We have been off and on for about 10 months, but only became official 4 months ago. Our relationship has become a lot stronger and I have fallen deeply in love. I found this information from old messages on Facebook. He has also brought me around this cousin at family functions so I don’t really know how to process my feelings. It’s like the image or perception of the man I knew is shattered. He has owned up to his actions and seems deeply ashamed and regretful. I have made regretful decisions in my past, but idk if this is one I can get past.
I recently found out my boyfriend used to sleep with his female cousin
r/Advice
Comments
Marrying your cousin is legal in several states, so it’s not necessarily legally or objectively wrong, though I can understand why you might feel creeped out by it
How far is the cousin?
😂
Ewwww I could never get over this level of ick.
This is normal – to feel shocked and contradictory
Now it is important whether this is a violator of the transaction for you
The past cannot be changed
Tear your feelings, process your feelings and do not ignore this inner voice of
Love – this is not only feelings, it is also about trust and comfort
To be clear you do mean they have had sex? Not like, sleeping in the same bed together?
Edit: I think it’s likely weird either way, but much less so if you meant literally sleep vs euphemistically sleep…
Does he know you found out from Facebook messages?
It’s legal marrying your cousin in some places including mine so it depends on your country or states laws so dating/hookup won’t be much difference but for me it’s still weird asf especially if the cousin looks like your parent and unc/aunt . Just don’t think about it much .
If you can’t get past it then leave him. There’s no use wasting your time and his shaming and judging him. He already feels a way about it, so at least you know where he stands on it. He could have told you about it before you met his family so you didn’t have to find out via old Facebook messages. If you two can somehow move past this with counseling, then I say maybe it’s worth staying, otherwise do yourself a favor and leave.
This happened with me and a female cousin as well. You definitely have to be careful about this. The high taboo level plus the natural familiarity is something that is addictive. Some people sleep with their cousins for their whole lives while having partners and even being married.
Like I really want to make a joke here, but I know it will be wildly inappropriate.
But i get it, I knew a guy who wanted to bang his cousin cause he was desperate, she was my gf at the time, thankfully she had the intelligence to turn him down, honestly totally justifiable ick, I can’t even give advice here cause it’s just too weird, like I don’t think it’s break up over worty, but then I don’t know how I would react if it happened to me, like it was consensual so it’s not bad, but it’s so weird, like weird as hell, it’s confusing.
What the Alabama
Does their family know?
Ok when people had huge families (like my grandfather was 1 of 21) it was common for later cousins to end up together. This isn’t a first cousin, but 2nd and 3rd and so on. I’d find out how far down that line they are before you end this. Also, were they raised as cousins? There was a boy in high school I had the biggest crush on, come to find out we were related, but we’d never been raised as cousins. It does make a difference so I’d start there.
This is disgusting.
Sleep with his brother to get even.
I had an ex who had a diary of every “ex” she ever had and she had pros/cons of all of them. One day when she was in the shower I read it and I had heard all these names except the first one who had more pros than anyone in this diary. Anyway I ended up asking her best friend about him and she froze, looked at her boyfriend, looked at me and then told me that they are first cousins – as in her dad’s brothers son. Anyway it weirded me out and I ended up leaving her.
My (adopted into the family) cousin hit on me 35 years ago…. I still can’t look him in the eyes.
While everyone seems to be grossed out about him sleeping with his cousin, I find it strange that OP has access to his Facebook messages. Exactly how did this happen? Did you ask his permission for reading his old messages?
Sweeeeeet Home Alabama
There is a saying in Spanish which translated basically means: What didn’t happen in your time shouldn’t hurt you. This is one of those cases. Is it weird or unusual? Probably. But it is not criminal and nobody was hurt so what’s the problem, especially if this happened before you two got together? Let it go, or let him go. 🤷🏽♂️
Omg is it Chad
How long ago was it ? We all make bad mistakes when we’re young and he regrets it , does he deserve his past to define him now ? Every one deserves a chance.
I mean.
There are two problems:
he has a former casual sex partner that you will have to interact with often, while keeping a lid on it at family functions. Stressful, but people do it when their ex starts dating another family member.
you have the ick about consanguineous relationships. Most of us do. First cousins is generally ill-advised for genetic reasons let alone familial ones. What are they, Hapsburgs or hillbillies?
I guess maybe divide and conquer on where the ick is concentrated? Or you might find that it’s just too ick to work thru.
Is this by any chance in Kentucky or West Virginia or one of the Deep South states? I think this is fairly common in these states not saying it’s not gross just saying it’s common and like another commenter mentioned some states it’s legal to marry a cousin
fuck what anyone else is saying they’re actually trippin this is DISGUSTING. that is someone who shares his BLOOODDDD!!!!! his family member??? and yall mean to tell me it’s “normal” or not “objectively bad because it’s legal” like what the fuck???? it’s gross. you’re right to feel weird and wrong about it, your perception SHOULD be shattered. that’s absolutely disgusting. their parents are SIBLINGS. would you think it’s fine if your sibling’s child and your child slept together???? absolutely vile.
What’s crazy is you going that far back in his messages and invading his privacy that way. It’s possible he does feel deep shame about it and probably regrets it and wasn’t counting on anyone ever knowing
This man has no boundaries. Run. Run like hell.
Ewww. Family trees are supposed to branch out, not connect to other branches.
How is their relationship now? Does she act weird around him? And was she also using drugs when they sexual relations…. Sweet home Alabama
So he has zero respect for you. He brought you around her and would have never told you. Yikes.
No nope nah absolutely not