I have CPTSD and bipolard disorder II and a chronic pain disorder. These stem from family history and an abusive childhood. In college I was extremely depressed and heavily considered suicide or running away and starting a new life. Instead I met my wife and we soon got married due to family and religious pressure. Things were ok for a few years but we finally reached a breaking point eith our families and our health declined. Even though we are young we both have significant energy limitations and now no family support system whatsoever. We decided to try for kids anyway. I convinced myself I was up to the challenge despite all of this. And I love my wife and I want to enjoy a life with her. But here in the throws of newborn twins I am really wondering if I can physically do this to a reasonable standard. It feels like I have been lying to myself and to my wife about my abilities for years. It feels unfair to her and our children that I have taken this path ultimately to fail at it. If I die or otherwise crash out at this point it will be way worse than if I had when I was younger and no one was dependent on me. I shouldn’t have taken on these responsibilities. It just seemed “healthier” at the time to try and live a normal life despite all my issues.
Tl;DR I asked my wife to bear my kids despite poor mental and physical health because I wanted to be a person I am not.
Comments
Take care of yourself. Talk to a therapist, a psychiatrist, a doctor. Get help with pain management. Newborn phase is hard, even harder when dealing with outside issues. It WILL get better.