Repost bc my post in another sub got deleted
So at the start of the college year, I (22F) met a guy who I will call Adam (21M). We were both majoring in the same field and we became friends pretty quickly. We talked about a lot of things together because we had hobbies in common and because we shared the same field. I thought he was a great person, but I only saw him as a friend and also had this other guy I was into who asked me out in December. Last month, Adam asked me out over text. I was extremely shocked as I never thought Adam was into me. I told him I already had a bf and only saw him as a friend. He kind of ghosted me after that but I still followed him on IG. Well, two weeks ago he posted a suicide note, stating that he didn’t see a point in living anymore. He listed several of the bad things happening in his life, including his abusive father, failing grades, and debt. However he also wrote a paragraph about how his heart had been broken by a girl he wanted so badly who turned him down. He didn’t name me, but obviously I know it’s me. It’s been 2 weeks but I’ve barely slept. I don’t know what to feel. I know it’s logically not my fault but I can’t help thinking that I was the catalyst for Adam’s suicide. How do I get past this?
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I don’t think you are a catalyst. Guy should have known you were with someone and clearly never acted on his feelings towards you for you to even see him as anything more than a friend.
You are not at fault here. Your yes couldn’t have made any difference. As someone who has been earnestly suicidal, no one who is well is going to take their lives just because someone turned them down— there were probably a thousand other things contributing to this. I hate to sound crass, but he was likely going to do it regardless. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Your yes would not have fixed Adam. It would not have made him stay alive. It would not have changed his trauma, it would not have fixed him, it would not have made the feelings he was having go away.
You didn’t owe him a yes. Your yes wouldn’t have made a difference. You didn’t cause this. You couldn’t have known and you couldn’t have stopped him.
Can’t blame yourself for other people’s actions. Most certainly not in this case. It’s similar to when people attempt to leave their significant other and the person threatens or carries out suicide as a response. If they do, it’s not your fault. What were you supposed to do? Fake emotion and a relationship to keep them alive? Sacrifice your happiness and emotional wellbeing for theirs? That sounds taxing/exhausting to say the least.
People who get to that point are usually deeply troubled, but also deeply skilled at hiding it. If it hasn’t been you something else would have pushed him over that edge.
You couldn’t have known
Nah this isnt your fault gang. Imma be real with you, if a woman killed herself partly because I rejected her, id feel bad. But I’m not gonna stop my life because of it. Its okay to feel some type of guilt, even if you had absolutely no play in the person’s demise. Entropy is basically the natural order of the universe.
Him randomly asking you out, and you saying you have a boyfriend is both variables you both didn’t consider. His death, was part of that too. Him being rejected, and everything else among that, simply catalyzed the process. 🤷🏿♂️
Something tells me you weren’t the only woman who rejected him recently or otherwise and he put that last tidbit in his note so one, some, or all of you would see it and feel responsible. You didn’t cause him to kill himself and you were nowhere near the catalyst. He had a lot of problems and guys who end their lives and claim it’s because women reject them think the solution is getting a girlfriend they’d probably just emotionally abuse anyway when really they needed lots of therapy. None of this is your fault.
This is not your fault.
Not your fault. It’s sad someone died but someone in his position was not mentally well or living in reality, he just as well could have blamed aliens. He was unable to make sense of his emotions, and anything and everything could have set him off. Don’t blame yourself kiddo
This is the sort of “final blow” at lot of younger men use when crafting suicide notes; it is often an expression of their immediate feelings, which is usually betrayal, regret, self-loathing, etc-etc.
You were not the catalyst for anything.
You did not owe him anything.
You were not the sole structure of support that his life demanded to have meaning.
The easiest way to cross this hurdle is to acknowledge that Adam had far more than just a fondness for you going on for him to get to that point. He needed professional help, a girlfriend would not have filled the void in his life, it would have only delayed it.
The drowning man will always try to pull someone down with him.
I don’t wanna say you shouldn’t care, he was a friend and all, but… you probably shouldn’t care as much as you do; not enough to ever shoulder blame for something like that.
Omg you can’t control what other people do in their own life
Not to be insensitive, but are you absolutely certain that he actually killed himself? Because I know someone who did something very similar to this years ago, and it turns out he was alive the whole time and posted the suicide note as a fucked up attempt at emotional manipulation Toward the girl that turned him down
https://youtu.be/2MRdtXWcgIw?si=g9E0JYqay8iZ8FRQ
This person was struggling in many ways. There are lots of people who struggle in the same ways but do not commit suicide. This isn’t your fault. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. But I can understand why you are upset. I would seek therapy to talk about what you’re feeling surrounding this and maybe have some advice of how to manage your thoughts.
Listen to me now: this is not your fault. This is not your fault at all.
Did the rejection technically contribute? Technically, sure. But that’s a bit like someone who’s got stage 4 cancer and then finally gives up when they get bitten by a mosquito. Sure, it might have contributed technically, but realistically, it didn’t make a difference, the fate was already sealed.
For someone to end their own life, they have to be in severe mental anguish. No half-way healthy person would ever end their life over getting rejected by a crush, getting their job application rejected, or anything of that magnitude. These would be learning experiences, hiccups, annoyances.
But let’s play devil’s advocate for a second here, and let’s say you rejecting him actually did play a noticeable role. So then, what? Should you have lied to him? Should you have put on an act, dated him, and pretended you’re in love with him? Do you think that would’ve have improved the situation? Absolutely not.
You can’t control other people. You’re not responsible for other people’s action either. You can only control yourself, and are only responsible for your own actions. And you did the only thing you could’ve done here. There was no other choice. You did the correct thing, it isn’t even a question.
You were the straw, not the catalyst. And if it was not you, then it would more than likley have been something else soon after.
And even if you were, it does not matter. It will suck for a bit, but you got this 🙂
You weren’t the catalyst, you were merely a stray.
He had bigger problems other than expecting a partner would fix his depression.
You are not responsible for other people’s decisions. He’s the one who chose to end it and he’s being a coward for blaming it on you. He did it ultimately for himself because he felt nothing in his life was going right. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! At least he won’t bother you anymore.
You are not responsible for this person’s shitty take on life. He had a long list of things that drove him to that decision. Sounds a little bit like he chose to blame everyone else for his failures in life as his magnum opus and he just grouped every perceived slight in there. It’s sad but it’s not your fault. None of what he said is on you, that’s on him.
Talk to a counselor/ therapist. These are complex feelings to unpack. It’s in no way your fault. People are going to do what they’re going to do. Survivors’ guilt is a very real thing. It may be beneficial to work through the things you’re feeling.
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Sounds like he had a shit ton of other stuff going on in his life. While tragic, don’t think that this was your fault.
This is not your fault. You were not the catalyst for anything. He was sick and didn’t get help. It’s devastating, it’s not his fault, and it’s certainly not yours. Imagine that someone has the flu and doesn’t go to the doctor. They’re also immunocompromised. The flu leads them to get pneumonia. They still don’t go to the doctor. Then they take an advil and it doesn’t make them feel better. Then they kill themselves and complain about the pill in the suicide note. You are the pill. He thought you’d make him feel better, but you couldn’t. It’s not your fault anymore than it’s his fault he got the flu or was immunocompromised. It’s a sad story, but you don’t have to make it your story. I hope you get some grief counseling.
Honestly, even if you were an insufferable bitch to him for years, his suicide still wouldn’t be your fault. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings or insufficiently treated mental illness.
I think the world is better without him being around. Imagine you said yes. What other extreme thing would he have irrationally done on response to something you do?
Romantic rejection is a normal stressor people face and his mental health was compromised, and he didn’t have coping mechanisms. Not your fault. You were honest with him.
It wasn’t your fault there was clearly more going on in his life that he felt that he couldn’t reach out to anyone about.
You get past it knowing you literally did nothing wrong at all, and that if not you then something else would have been the “last straw”. You can’t be responsible for what he chose to do. You had no idea that he was this emotionally messed up, and you were kind about the rejection.
You were acting normal and kind to him. He had untreated mental issues. You can’t blame yourself. There is so much more there that caused him to get to this point unrelated to you.
Also how dare he try to make you feel guilty, with that note. That’s low.
Not your fault. Don’t ever think it was. He had so much other stuff going on. You barely knew him. Other circumstances altered his path. So on and so forth. And how do you know he wasn’t hitting on another girl? He could have been turned down by multiple people
He was definitely neglecting his mental health for a long time and that’s not your fault and frankly not your problem either. Had you said yes, it’s very likely he would’ve threatened suicide to make you stay while treating you terrible, ask me how I know. He wrote that to make you feel guilty about something you had no obligation to do because he’s manipulative.
My brother apparently had a plan and maybe started an attempt (idk my mom won’t say details about what the plan even entailed) and blamed it on being rejected by a girl he liked primarily. Dude saw his older siblings be suicidal and depressed for years and fight for help that was regularly repeatedly offered to him and always denied it. If they don’t want to help themselves, they’ll actively deny help and never seek it out themselves so there’s nothing you could do about it anyways
Some of us can roll with rejection; it can make you feel unworthy, still does, but I know that if you are not into me, then I fuck off. Why waste both of our time? After a long time, the fear of “you are unworthy of love or friendship” creeps and eats away at your soul. It’s not your fault; Adam was broken, than most of us. I am sad for him. I’m not saying give everyone a chance be upfront don’t lie to us tell us your not feeling it.
Or maybe I’m just contradicting myself. Maybe there’s no saving us
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I’m so sorry. I remember being in a similar place when I was young (he survived the attempt), and i was so frustrated with him. It’s a vile manipulation and sickness. You did not cause it (unless you consciously tormented him). Please talk to the therapist. This is a tough situation.
It is not your fault he committed suicide. It is sad he did it but it wasn’t your fault. Sorry for your loss. I hope he is in a better place now!
If anyone is at fault..it was his freaking dad who abused him and his mom who allowed it!
This sealed the deal for the trajectory of his life! So screw these parents and again it is not your fault!
It is sad we can’t have friends no more .
Mentally healthy people don’t take the actions he did.
I think recognizing that Adam’s issue with your rejection isn’t necessarily ABOUT you will help.
Did he like you? Yes. But it seems like he already had a whole narrative built in his own head about you. That had nothing to do with IRL you.
Your autonomy is important. You are allowed to say no without feeling guilty or responsible for what someone else does with that no.
Making sure you separate autonomy from grief will be the best way out, albeit challenging. I’m so sorry for your loss. You should feel bad, but not because you are responsible for this situation. Feel bad because you lost a friend and it sucks. Take care.
While empathy is cool, you have to have reason as well. Plenty of our even insignificant actions can lead to people being hurt, the question is can you be responsible for it?
My ex was extremely abusive, and after I left he pulled the whole “if you don’t call me, I will kill myself”. Long story short, turns out he really meant it. Trust me when I say I know what you mean when you feel like you’re the catalyst.
You’re not gonna get over it now. My best advice is don’t try to do it alone. Have a support network, therapy, friends, just someone with you and with time it will get easier. It’s been a year and six months for me, and I can finally sleep through the night.
Sending you hope for peace, OP. Trust the ones who say it wasn’t your fault, because it truly wasn’t. Even if you had said yes, there likely would have been some other reason. Our lives are in our own hands, no one else’s.
Trigger Warning: Difficult subject matter ahead! Please proceed with care.
First, I want to say I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. What happened is incredibly heavy, and your reaction, your inability to sleep, the weight you’re carrying, is understandable. It matters.
This is a situation where something called a dialectic becomes really important—a word I wish everyone had at their disposal when trying to hold two complex truths at once.
It is absolutely not your fault.
And at the same time your rejection did appear in his suicide note as one of many contributing factors. Both those things can be true. His pain had many sources: an abusive father, failing grades, mounting debt. You were not the cause, but to him, you became a symbol.
It sounds like he projected onto you a kind of savior archetype, reducing you from a full person to a single, imagined solution to all his suffering. In his mind, dating you became a make-or-break condition for life itself. That’s not a fair or accurate role to place someone in, and it certainly wasn’t something you invited or encouraged. But it does explain why his pain became tangled with you.
This is not something with a clean or fast resolution. But I believe your strong emotional response—your sleepless nights, your searching—is meaningful. It’s not guilt. It’s grief. And grief deserves space.
You must fully, truly know that this was not your fault. That is essential.
But that doesn’t mean there is nothing here for you to carry forward.
Suffering often finds us without consent. We don’t choose it—but we do choose how we respond. And for your own healing, I believe you’ll begin to find peace when you ask yourself: What do I want to carry forward from this? What can I learn, not because I was to blame, but because I am someone who wants to respond to life with depth and care?
I suggest this:
You will feel more whole, not when you’ve erased this pain, but when you’ve decided how to live in a way that ensures you are never placed, or unknowingly used, in this kind of role again.
And that might mean sharper boundaries. Greater awareness of projection. A deeper understanding of emotional responsibility.
Try not to dwell on it. Sure, you may have been the fly that broke the camels back, but you weren’t the elephant the camel was carrying
Posting your suicide note on social media is the trashiest thing you could possibly do, wow.
Don’t let him live rent free in your mind. That’s what the asshole wanted. He’s blaming everyone under the sun.
His parents should be the only ones who feel guilty. You did nothing wrong for simply having a boyfriend.
I work on a suicide hotline, and I am so sorry for the loss and for the emotional turmoil you feel.
Please know this, always: it is NOT YOUR FAULT. It was never your fault, and your actions were innocent and honest. You can not know what’s inside someone else’s emotions or mind.
Sadly, it seems he had a lot of pain in his life that you had nothing to do with. If he hadn’t latched onto you, he would’ve done so with someone else. He needed help you couldn’t give and likely suffered from undisclosed mental health issues that were causing him to look for a solution to “heal” all the pain he had.
My guess is, he was looking for a catalyst (probably subconsciously) to force him into completing his choice. He likely overblew your connection in his head and allowed himself to pursue it, knowing he would likely be turned down.
Please grieve the loss of him, but don’t lose yourself. Again, even though he mentions a situation, it’s because of his need to excuse his choice. It’s not actually about who you are.
Blessings to you 💕
You are not at fault. People have their own struggles and hardships, that they keep to themselves. You would have never guessed his mental state. Dont beat urself up, remember him for the friend that he was to you. Keep his memory alive, but dont feel guilty about what happened.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You are not responsible for people’s reactions.
You are responsible for yourself and your actions. You replied genuinely about your feelings, and you acted respectfully. What he did after that is his responsibility.
It is incredibly selfish of him to blame you for not giving him what he wanted despite your own autonomy.
Do I have compassion for his pain? Yes. But not at the expense of your autonomy to live your life how you see fit.
In saying all that. If I was in the same situation, I know I would feel guilty too. I think that shows you have compassion and empathy. But just because you feel guilty, doesn’t mean you morally should. You can feel guilty and also know you don’t deserve that at the same time.
This is not about you. You are an avatar for his unhappiness. Don’t take in that emotional burden. Sympathies.
He didn’t like you. He liked the idea of you as someone giving his life meaning. When you rejected him, it confirmed that life was meaningless.
You are an object; and NPC in the lives of these people. Don’t take it too personally. I had a girl do the same to herself over me when I was a teen and my daughter had a boy do the same when she was a teen. I don’t have any patience for these people and neither should you.
There is absolutely no way someone can be held responsible for someone else’s suicide for simply not reciprocating their romantic interest. You were not cruel, you were not mean, you were honest and kind and that’s that.
Flip it on its head: what if you’d gone out and it hadn’t worked out? Were you supposed to stay with this guy for the rest of your life to make sure he didn’t unalive? That’s absolutely not it.
Without even considering that unfortunately, depression is such that people in happy, loving relationships kill themselves every day. It’s just not that simple.
I am very very sorry this happened to you. But it is absolutely, in no way, shape or form your fault. You were kind and decent to him, and that’s all you needed to be. Please schedule some therapy sessions to discuss this, but I hope very much you can digest this soon and move on from jt.
It’s not your fault.
What’s there to get over? What were you supposed to do? Leave your bf for someone you didn’t even like, like that.
Truth is, you could’ve gone out with him for years, and he still might’ve killed himself. Suicide is only ever in the hands of one person, sadly
It was most probably a long going depression that killed him. It’s a disease. He just listed things that went bad in his life recently (except for his dads abuse that may have affected his depression), but all the other things he mentioned, are just normal things in life that he couldn’t handle because of his depression.
How is that other guy better than him?
You did nothing wrong
Hi, I was this guy at one point and wanted to chime in with his likely perspective. The truth is, he was deeply unwell, and suffered from a disease that ultimately took his life. That was depression, and it was his disease. You didn’t give it to him.
You didn’t contribute to it, because you were just living your life. His disease twisted the truth (that you weren’t into him, and that’s ok) into a lie (it was not ok, he was worthless) that fueled itself and made itself stronger.
Mental illnesses ravage your brain’s thought patterns the same way cancer ravages the body. They feed off of what’s around them and grow and grow. Would you blame yourself for someone else’s cancer? Of course not. So you shouldn’t blame yourself for someone else’s mental illness.