I got married 7 months ago and had student loans from grad school. My student loan amount was pretty high due to the high interest rate. I repaid 90 percent of the loan on my own but took help from my husband for the remaining 10%. Today my sister in law tells me that my husband( her brother) repaid my student loan. I was surprised. I know that he helped me but I never thought he would disclose this to his family. I personally feel that such things should remain private between a husband and wife. It also felt to me that he’s taking credit for repaying my loan when I worked hard to repay 90% of my loan which was easily $100k. Also I shared my personal feelings regarding a few things about our family and I asked him not to share this with his parents or sister. His parents called me today and it’s very obvious that he told them how I feel despite me asking him not to share this with anyone. As a wife, I want to open up to my husband and share my feelings. It hurts when he tells everything to his family. Am I overthinking here especially regarding the loan? Do you think it’s okay for him to tell his family that he helped me when I had already repaid a major chunk of my loan from my own savings? I personally feel a married couples finances is not anyone else’s business. Why should his family know. I feel he could have kept this private.
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No. Not at all. You need to have a discussion about what information can be shared and what can’t.
Girl. Blatant disrespect to you for a multitude of reasons.
The thing about situations like this is it really doesn’t matter what I or any other random reddit comments think, if you feel like he was not respectful and that passed a boundary, you need to let him know and set those. Not all relationships function the same and that’s OK. What matters is what you want for your relationship in relation to what he wants and finding out what’s best for that
I would absolutely not be okay with this. I am a very private person and if I can’t trust my partner to keep things private I don’t want that person as my partner. And to me, finances are private. This would be a breach of trust for me.
You’re his family now. I think it’s time for a deep talk with him about what are things you share with eachother only.
If he said he helped, he’s not exactly wrong—he did. But if he’s claiming he paid for everything, that would be dishonest. I’m curious though—why would his sister even bring this up to you?
I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem that he discussed it with his family. They are still his family just as much as you are, and if they’ve always been open about finances, it’s not surprising that he continues to talk to them after the wedding. For example, I handle all of my adult brother’s finances—his savings, budget, spending reviews, etc. He’s not great with money, and it really helps to have someone manage it for him. Though he’s single, and I imagine his future wife might have some thoughts about that!
That said, if there are personal matters that you don’t want shared, that absolutely needs to be respected. My husband is a bit of a gossip—he can’t keep anything to himself—but even he knows there’s a line he shouldn’t cross when it comes to private things.
Apart from sharing financial information before checking with you, it does suck he wasn’t being your cheerleader and talking up the effort / success you put in the repayment, OP, but instead seemed to take credit for it himself
It sucks to have others take credit for our hard work in general, and having a spouse/partner do so stings even more, because theyre meant to be our ultimate cheerleader and lift us up.
I don’t have any good advice for how to deal with it, but do think you should talk to him about it. And maybe have a think individually if it’s a symptom of a bigger issue, or a one-off for that type of behavior.
Congrats on paying off the loan, that’s a big accomplishment!
I’d be really upset about this. This is something you’re going to have to discuss with him; a marriage only works when spouses can trust each other and right now, in your position, I’d feel like I couldn’t fully trust him.
So when you provide emotional support, aka free therapy, and/or encourage him in his endeavours and/or manage things for him, that means you
Because this is how I would play that until he got the point, sit-down talk or not.
Why is he demeaning you?
He’s crossing every boundary I personally have. If it were me, my trust would be gone. Taking credit for things he didn’t do and spilling sensitive info to his family? That’s a major red flag. Don’t ignore your gut, get out now, before it gets worse. You’ll regret staying longer, and it’ll hit harder than if you left with just a scratch. He’s already showing you who he is, believe him. What else is he lying about, and why? He claims to be great to you when he’s clearly not. That behavior is a dealbreaker.
Don’t have a child with this guy until you figure this basic stuff out.
Lmao I’m so petty I’d say something like “I really appreciate his little bit of help. I could do it all alone, and mostly did, but it’s so nice that I have a husband who loves me so much he’d want to contribute too.”
My wife would murder me in my sleep. Shit she might do it straight looking me dead in the eye if I ever…. same goes for her too and she knows. She’s my ride or die. We’d bury bodies for eo. That’s how that’s supposed to go.
My ex claimed he paid for two new cars of mine, spoiler alert he didn’t. They just have no clue what they are talking about, usually, and are trying to make themselves out as a hero.
Very typical to work on figuring out as a newly married couple what you want to keep between yourselves and what you are comfortable sharing. Hopefully he will share a bit less, but you should expect he may still want to share some details. It’s all about figuring out a new dynamic of relationships – family along with your spouse. Be gracious and give each other a chance to adapt.
My husband and I have a very balanced relationship and I’d be trolling him to no end for this. Did he plant a tree recently? Throw extra dirt on top of the root and tell him how hard you worked to finish planting his tree. Did he cook a good meal? Grind some pepper on top of it and pat yourself on the back for such an amazing meal.
Once you are married, YOU BOTH paid the loan. Idk what your arrangements are but this is what my husband and I find weird about other couples. His money is also your money and vice versa.
Also, whatever business you guys got going on, none of that should ever leave the house or your room. The fact that you’re asking strangers online isn’t a good sign. You should be able to talk to your spouse. I understand asking online to get other people’s perspective and mine is that he is a gossip and he needs to learn to respect you.
Saw in your post history that you’re in an arranged marriage. Culturally not sure how that plays into this or how to address this within that context. I’d be tempted to just correct everyone – but probably not the best way forward.
Men will always take the credit if they helped even a little bit. This is why you allow them to pay for the whole thing and never partial lol
That is difficult. You should say that he helped with 10%.
My husband used to overshare to his family so much in the beginning of our marriage that almost broke us apart.
It was very hard for me to not have any privacy and to have his family discussing or having an opinion on very private things.
Once, while having lunch with my husband’s family, my father in law mentioned how much I was earning in my new job like it was a normal conversation. I was so shocked and I felt violated.
I never ever mentioned or discussed my salary with anyone, but my husband, and he told his dad, that told everyone else. It was very difficult to trust my husband with personal things again.
We had horrible fights because of that.
I remember his mom calling me to tell
that she didn’t think we should get a dog because we didn’t have a big garden and that she had already convinced my husband that it was a bad idea.
My husband and I had this conversation in bed, in the night before her call.
Our friendship and communication was hurt. For a while I stopped sharing anything with my husband and this impacted even the plans that we had.
I didn’t want to make plans with him anymore, because I knew that in a minute his parents had an opinion about it and would call me like it was open for discussion.
It was horrible.
After many fights he started realising that his family have no boundaries and The things only got worse with him always over sharing.
We are better now.
Every time I share something with him, I ask him to not share with anyone else. It’s funny because he gets very offended and says “ who would I tell that?”!!!!!! ( yeah, right? )
But I need to make sure he understands that it’s private information.
I don’t think he has ever done it to hurt me, but he has parents with very controlling and anxious personalities, and I see that he hasn’t had any privacy growing up from the stories he tells.
If you didn’t agree it was fair info to share, then it’s messed up.
Open up to your husband, and tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the lack of boundaries with his family with regard to financial information.
BUT now that it’s out in the open, I’d be grilling him on what exactly he told them. Did he say he helped pay off the last bit? Did he take credit for all of it? How did he frame it?
Once youre married, what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. So you BOTH paid off your (plural) remaining student loans. Did he frame it accurately? And if not, why? What was he hoping to achieve? What impression did he want them to walk away with?
If he didn’t tell them the whole truth, I would firmly let him know that, if he has given inaccurate information, even though he shouldn’t have shared it, he’s now obligated to correct the record.
Beyond not wanting your business discussed by others, I assume you don’t want your in laws to think you just married their son so he could lob tens of thousands at your debt and you’re a gold digger who’s cashing in. Unfortunately that’s the simple easy stereotype people will read into that situation.
So he needs to make an effort to get on the same page as you, realize how he just shared private information wrongly, and correct the record so they don’t think he’s some big generous hero, and you’re some user sucking your husbands bank account dry (I need to say this is what they may think, not the reality of the situation).
Then, to be extra clear, go ahead and review what you two consider fair game to share with family, and what you consider private and off limits.
You’re not overthinking at all you need to have a conversation with him
Try marriage counseling.
Do not try for babies until you can rely upon him even if you love him
Assuming that you two have the same privacy opinions is obviously not good; you two need to talk. But when you clearly stated your boundary and he ignored it? That’s another discussion altogether. About trust.
Omg there was a post not too long ago where this woman’s fiancé stood up at her birthday dinner in front of all her friends & family, proclaimed he paid off her remaining student loans as a gift but then proceeded to admonish her for him having to or some bs
Found it in the AutoMod Comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheAngel/s/svHtdnFj8m
Your husband is not respecting your boundaries of privacy. You asked him to keep something private and he betrayed your trust by revealing the information to the very people you asked him not to tell. This is not a good start to a marriage when you can’t trust your partner. If may be time for couple’s counseling.