I ruined my life.

I don’t really know where to start with this but I’ll try my best. I first took LSD last October and fell in love with it. I had a really positive introduction to it and it genuinely helped me through a lot of my past issues. I felt like a better version of myself.

In November, I bought ten more tabs, and was dropping basically every weekend. I would double my dose each week so went through them quite quickly. It was great! Although in hindsight this wasn’t a great idea, I hadn’t noticed any problems.

My biggest mistake, was when I decided to buy more acid. Because I wanted to save money and buy in bulk, I went to the dark web. Here I was able to buy like 50 tabs for about €60. As opposed to the €100 I spent on the 10 previous tabs. I never tested these tabs from the dark web and I really wish I did, cos I don’t think they were legit.

Anyway, at this stage I was really thrilled, cos i had so much acid that I could afford to make up for my tolerance. I was dropping every weekend, sometimes up to like 10 or 15 tabs at a time. This might sound crazy but I had such a high tolerance that I wouldn’t really trip that hard. I was losing the magic. As soon as I ran out, I ordered more online. This time I ordered 100 tabs. I went through most of these from December to February. My life was consumed by LSD.

This is where things get weird though. It was the end of January this year, when I smoked some weed while tripping that I noticed my throat/esophagus felt really uncomfortable. It was like my esophagus was moving and it felt awful. I smoked more weed stupidly and it got even worse. After sleeping it off, the pain went away. The next time I smoked weed about a week later, this feeling came back, only this time it didn’t go away after sleeping.

I’ve been dealing with this pain/discomfort for almost six months now. It’s all over my upper back, chest and neck. It’s like a burning, waxy feeling. Like nettles under my skin. It’s impossible for me to describe it exactly. When I wear certain clothes it irritates it and if I sit with my back against something it makes it worse. I’ve been to the ER twice, had a cervical MRI and a thoracic MRI, spoken to multiple doctors. No one knows what it is.

I believe it’s nerve related but from what I’ve read, LSD can’t cause nerve damage. Which is why I think I wasn’t really taking LSD, but an analogue or RC or something. But I think it’s connected to weed as well. I smoked some weed about a month ago and my throat reacted again. It felt like an allergic reaction even I smoked weed for 7 years and never showed signs of being allergic.

I also have full on HPPD now, which is rough. Constant visual snow and tinnitus. It seems to fluctuate, some days it’s a lot worse than others. I’ve kinda just had to learn to accept it, but it’s nothing compared to this pain.

I’m seriously depressed because of all this. I miss being able to smoke weed and not be in constant pain. I wish I had answers for everything that’s been going on. I feel like my body is permanently changed as a result of abusing acid. I miss my old life.

The hardest part is that I don’t need help with my mental health. If I was feeling good physically then my depression would be gone. But people keep telling me I should talk to someone. That wouldn’t help me at all. The pain will still be here.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Maybe someone might know more about this than me. Don’t be an idiot like me and ruin such a wonderful experience. I can never trip again and it’s entirely my fault….