I don’t wanna go into FULL detail and I’m not the best at making sense, but a week ago or so I found a video of my dad cheating. This was years ago but my mom had it saved for “future purposes.” Absolutely traumatized. I just wanted to kill someone out of anger.
I already knew my dad was a cheater cause growing up, my parents always fought about it. So whenever someone brings up cheating in conversation, I feel this unexplainable amount of anger in me.
When I saw the video, my mom told me I’m old enough anyway and explained what happened. And it was such a big revelation for me cause I found out that THAT was actually the reason we moved to a different place without my dad. I always thought he was just away for work. I still don’t know why or how he came back to us.
That night I woke my dad up and just screamed. I don’t even remember everything I said. He was quiet even when I was throwing stuff. I yelled and blamed my mom too for staying with him even after he cheated on her COUNTLESS times, and the video I found was from when my mom was PREGNANT. And for letting someone like that be around us growing up, causing us so much trauma, because he also has a tendency of being verbally and physically abusive.
The first night, I slept on our balcony because I didn’t want to be near him. He slept outside for a week after that and I haven’t been properly talking to him.
The next morning after our fight, he was apologizing, saying how many years ago that was (13 to be exact) and how much he blames himself. But if he really did, why did he do it again a few years later?
Yesterday, I started to I guess be less harsh. I even offered him the food I made.
But just now, he’s drunk again and I walked into the room to hear him and my mom arguing. He said that if we appreciated him more, he wouldn’t have done all those things.
What did 5-year-old me do to not make him feel appreciated enough for him to cheat?
He’s just making excuses.
I told him how much all this hurts. I thought with that one week of silence, he would have reflected. But no. When I thought things were getting better, they’re not.
Now he’s being all aggressive because of his intoxication. He says he’s leaving tomorrow. I doubt he won’t come back.
And the part that hurts the most is: I love him. But I hate him at the same time. It feels like all this pain is pouring onto me alone because my mom doesn’t care about him anymore. But he’s my dad. And I do. And that makes it so much worse.
I feel so hopeless and I don’t know who else to talk to about this. There’s so much to unpack. I feel pathetic for even posting this there.
Comments
Stop waiting for him to fix what he broke. it’s not in his hands anymore. He’s a shadow now, and you’re the one who needs the light. Find yours.
But maybe… it’s fine to expect him to fix things for you. It’s perfectly okay.
you are a good candidate for ACA – adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families. there you can learn coping skills and concentrate on you and help yourself to be happy and less bothered by what others do and say. Reddit has a thread for it – Adult children
You are put into this place you find yourself now because of the choices other’s made. This means that you are under no obligation to feel any way about this other than how you want to feel. Right now this is how you feel and that’s okay. You may not want to feel this way, you may hate having to feel this way, but this is how you feel and there should be no guilt or self-blame, or self-reflection about what you did, did not, could have, or should have done in the past.
This was his choice to make and he did so for his own gains and whatever collateral damage happened was what his choice brought on.
Allow yourself time to grieve over this loss. And it is a loss. It’s a loss of trust, respect, admiration…and the ability to count on someone to do the right thing and consider your feelings first and foremost. That hurts. That hurt is where you are now. You get to decide when to move past it or to write him off. What you should not do is let it sink you and drown you in sorrow, hatred, anger, or despair.
As for your mom, she went through the same thing you are going through now and this is where she ended up- which, like you – is her choice as a response to his choice made to impact her.
Be mad, be angry, just don’t change who you are or want to be as a response to him. You behave towards him how you want to, not how you thinks you should because of what he did. This gives you control over what was done, by him, to you.
You cannot change the past, and you cannot change how other people behave. Get to terms with the fact that your father was a crappy husband to your mom , he still is. I have gone through something similar and i relate with the fact that it’s a disgusting mix of negative emotions: you hate your dad for cheating, and you hate your mom for not leaving him.
The healthy thing for you to do is to come to terms with reality. Dont take any actions just yet. But just let it sink in. Accept the fact that you might never get that “positive and homely” environment that literally every child wants. You are your own person now. Decide what you want from your parents and find a way to let them know.
As much as you want your mom to leave him or be harsh with him, understand that she is also in a terrible space of mind. It still doesn’t justify anything, but please considerthat she might need your support and guidance in whatever decisions you make as a family.
You said your dad was physically and verbally abusive? You said you love him and i’m assuming you still feel SOME sympathy for him simply cuz he’s your dad. i understand that. I just don’t see any potential positive outcomes from him.
All the best.
He is a human after all, humans are not perfect
The fact that you still love and care for him, means he is not the worse dad, i am not saying to forgive him, but to accept what he did to overcome your truma,, and maybe then you can help him to be a better person too