So I (22F) share this apartment with this guy (22M) from my psychology class. He has his girlfriend over like 4 nights a week. I thought they were both just super loud when they argued, but then I started noticing some patterns. He calls her stupid, worthless, told her she should consider herself lucky because he even bothers with her. He can make her sound so sad, and she would get quiet, apologetic, like she was the problem.
But the worst part was hearing her cry in his room after he just went off on her. This has gone on for months.
I starting using my phone to record some of the really bad episodes through our thin walls. I didn’t know what I would do with them, but I figured someone should keep track of this sort of stuff; I thought maybe she would need it someday as proof or for something.
So last week, he found the recordings when he borrowed my laptop. He just exploded, screaming about how I was “violating his privacy” and that I’m “some kind of psycho for recording people without their consent”. He said I’m no better than him because I am being manipulative and sneaky.
His girlfriend has not been over since. I texted her the recordings anyway because I felt like she deserved to hear how he talks about her when she isn’t around.
Aita for recording?
Comments
You did good. Now you need to watch out for yourself. Get a lock, record conversations with him especially if they start to become heated. Even let him know. “I am recording this for my safety” hold him accountable. You’re doing amazing
NTA.
He’s in a Psychology class and he doesn’t recognise that he’s exhibiting coercive controlling behaviour? Basically he’s a giant walking red flag that could be seen from space.
NTA for recording, and I would keep backups elsewhere. It’s a small step from this to physical abuse, and if you have evidence of his s**tty behaviour in the past, it’s much less likely he could pretend it was just a one-off thing.
send it to his parents
If you were the one being bullied, wouldn’t you like to have someone by your side? NTA.
oh.. i’d have probably popped off at him and told him that “a pathetic manchild like him does not deserve any partner and she’s worth so much more than his abusive a**. “
NTA. You are just looking out for the gf. You might want to be careful being around him moving forward. Or if you can, probably move out and find another roommate.
Could you bring the recordings to class as a case analysis for psychological abuse?
NTA.
So he snooped through your laptop past what he needed to use it for, you simply recorded things he was making public by screaming…and you’re violating privacy?
I would look for a new place. Lock the door and avoid him as much as possible until then
The guy is in a phycology class and is being this abusive? He’s probably one of the only people that should know better.
NTA. But depending on where you live, recording secretly might be illegal.
There are laws about secretly recording people in nonpublic places. You could be committing a crime (you more than likely are)
And anything you gather is inadmissible as evidence
Absolutely not. Personally, I wouldn’t let the sack of shit over my threshold. He sounds like an abusive narcissistic man child. Keep those recordings for the inevitable court proceedings that will follow this train wreck of a man.
were the files saved right on the desktop and named “secret recordings of my abusive roommate” or was he opening files randomly?
and people believe this bs. this sub is so done.
With friends like you who needs enemies?
Why did he borrow your laptop? AND why did you give your laptop ? I would say mild YTA because it was not your business but still you did good if this is true.
Who owns the place… if your not the owner (move), if he’s the renter (kick him out), if both renting (move)…
This is for your safety.
I assume you have an iPhone and the laptop was a MacBook? When you have the same account on both devices your iCloud storage can sync things like photos and videos. He was going through your photo gallery most likely looking for your nudes or explicit videos then just so happened to find the records of him yelling at his gf. Think about it if he wasn’t aware of those recordings, why else would he be digging through your camera roll?
I’m surprised there’s no other comment mentioning this, you need to get out of there immediately and you’re probably in more danger than you think you are.
Nta
You need to not live with him. He already showed you who he is. NTA
“violating his privacy”? You are just recording what you hear in the privacy of your own room. What about the violation you feel when you are forced to hear the humiliation and damage he is doing to her?
Id potentially consider telling the school too. If hes using the education theyre giving him to abuse his girlfriend psychologically then they should be aware of what their part in it is too
And what about him violating your privacy by going through your files? NTA. You did good.
NTA. At all. Get a new roommate. Support the girl.
EDIT: you did not record him, you recorded the ambient sound in your own home. Totally cool.
NTA
But i would use an app to transcript it, change the names and send it as an input for a case study to your psychology teacher. You can tell them its a transcript from a argument you witnessed by hearing and you think its a perfect example of abuse.
Maybe if he has to analyse his own behaviour, he will learn something.
Even though this is obvious bullshit, you WNBTA if it were true.
Isn’t it ironic that psychology majors are often shit human beings?
NTA, but you are REALLY sticking your neck out when you have to live with this guy. You should probably have started planning an exit strategy as soon as the idea of recording this entered your mind (at that point it seems you decided this was more serious than loud arguments).
Also, you might want to check your state recording laws. You may have committed a crime if in an all party consent state. Depending if what you recorded meets the actual legal definition of abuse or not, he could use it to make your life very difficult.
This part:
> I thought they were both just super loud when they argued, but then I started noticing some patterns. He calls her stupid, worthless, told her she should consider herself lucky because he even bothers with her. He can make her sound so sad, and she would get quiet, apologetic, like she was the problem.
>
> But the worst part was hearing her cry in his room after he just went off on her. This has gone on for months.
>
> I starting using my phone to record some of the really bad episodes through our thin walls.
is not logically consistent with this part
> I texted her the recordings anyway because I felt like she deserved to hear how he talks about her when she isn’t around
Op!
Please be careful. Hope ur living situation changes quick so u don’t have to be on ur toes.
NTA. Fuck that dude. If he doesn’t like it, he shouldn’t be an asshole. Just be careful.
Depends on your state, you might be going to prison.
From what you wrote I don’t see any “abuse”, so it depends what you actually recorded.
You live with the guy… I would watch your back.
Where I live this is highly illegal. Secretly recording someone is a shitty thing to do, even if they are a d-bag. If a girl is being abused you should have confronted your roommate and told him his behavior is unacceptable instead of secretly recording him and then sending the files to his girlfriend and fantasizing about ruining his life. If people are doing this type of thing, they have probably lived pretty fd up lives and sometimes a little guidance can go a long way. I doubt she will leave him, this action will probably open her up to further abuse.
Also I’ve been in this situation before. Told my roommate at the time his girl wasn’t allowed there anymore if they were going to keep fighting and bothering me (and stealing poptarts from the bottom of an unopened box). Ended up leaving a few months later, it wasn’t worth it to deal with it.
Good luck.
Be careful going forward, you could have broken the law. In some states, you can record your conversations with someone, but you have to be a part of the conversation. In other states, what you did is a felony. In his house, your roommate has the expectation of privacy, and his girlfriend wouldn’t be able to use those recordings.
If more people helped others in need this world would be a better place. Nicely done.
• Final Verdict: N T A