I’ve been carrying this feeling for a while now, and honestly, I just need to let it out somewhere. Whenever my family goes out – dinners, birthdays, casual coffee runs – you can bet the bill ends up in front of me. It’s not explicitly said, but the expectation is always there. No one offers to split, no one even hesitates. It’s just understood that I’ll cover it.
And to be fair, I am in a better financial position than most of them. I’ve worked hard to get here, been smart with money, and yeah, I’ve had a bit of luck along the way that gave me a financial cushion. I’m not struggling. But that doesn’t mean I want to feel like their go-to wallet every time we’re together.
The part that bothers me the most isn’t even the cost – it’s the lack of acknowledgment. It’s like my contributions are invisible or expected. No one says thank you. No one checks in to ask if I’m okay footing the bill. They just assume I’ve got it, because I usually do.
Last week was my mom’s birthday and I was happy to treat her. I picked a nice place, paid for everything, no complaints. But a few days later, my sibling casually asked me to send them some money to “get through the week.” No explanation, no emergency – just this vibe like it was no big deal. Like I’m supposed to say yes, no questions asked.
I haven’t said anything. I avoid confrontation, especially when it comes to family. I’m scared I’ll come off as selfish or cold, or that they’ll twist it into me not wanting to help. But deep down, I feel taken for granted. I’m building up this quiet resentment and it’s starting to affect how I see them, which makes me feel even worse.
I love my family, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending it doesn’t bother me. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of dynamic? How do you draw a line with people you care about, without blowing everything up?
Comments
Fuck that. They need to live within their means, and pony up for what they consume when you all go out.
Nothing worse than entitled family.
Yes, and it really sucks because you question if these people are around you just for financial assistance.
I got it to stop by announcing at a family dinner that I would be cutting back financially for a while to handle some personal things, so please excuse me if I turn into a homebody for a while. So people knew in advance not to expect me to pay for everything anymore.
Start setting the tone and expectation upfront. When you sit down tell the waitress upfront. “I’m covering Moms meal because it’s her birthday. Those two are together. Those two are together and those kids go with them.”
If you want to be super nice tell them before you get there. “I’m paying for mom’s lunch but everyone else will be on their own” and then do the remind-then-through-the-waitress thing.
As for people asking you for money just reply “I’m not able to do that” indefinitely until they stop asking you.