I secretly resent my mom…

I (35F) secretly resent my mother (61F). I say secretly because I have not expressed this to anyone, even my husband (31M). See, I was parentified from a young age, starting at around the age of 11. I am the second oldest of four siblings (Brother age 36, sister age 33, and brother age 26). My parents did not speak English at or understand it as quickly as I did when they relocated us to the states from a US Territory (won’t say so as to not give away my identity).

I felt, even before this parentification occurred, the need to be perfect and excel in school. I wanted to be the perfect child that my parents would be proud of. I also excelled in understanding the Bible when I became a Christian and got baptized at age 12.

When I went off to college, I got sucked into a Christian cult and everything exploded when the control they had over my life, along with my upbringing, caused me to seriously rebel at age 25. I moved, dated and married a man twice my age at the time, built a life with him, had a child (now age 7) then I got separated and divorced two and a half years ago.

Recently, I married my soulmate. We eventually want to try and see if we can have a child of our own, because we desire it mainly and because I want my daughter to also have a sibling. Well, I happen to causally mention that to my mom on a recent phone call and she said that I should focus on my daughter and husband and that I shouldn’t have more children. While I didn’t loose it on her since she has heart problems, I cried afterwards. This resentment has been building up. I helped my parents from a young age and now I feel like they’re no longer proud of me and only proud of my sister because she’s a “Christian” (I left the cult, which she’s a part of) and is a stay at home mom. She raves about my sister to her colleagues because my she is homeschooling and focusing on motherhood while I’ve chosen a career outside of the home along with motherhood. I feel worthless even though I know it’s not true. I’ve worked so hard to be where I am and while 7 years of my life were wasted and one of those was hard due to transitioning into being a single mother, I’ve come a long way.

I’ve lost over 35lbs. I am strength training, I have a wonderful job, husband and daughter… yet I feel empty… I feel as though no matter what I do, it’s not enough for my parents. They came to my wedding and they celebrated it. Yet, I can’t help but feel like second class…

Thanks for letting me vent.