I (15F) have struggled with my mental health since I was 10. I always stood out, and I never knew what was wrong with me (now I know I was just undiagnosed with autism), and covid only made it worse. I fell into deep depression and started to feel lonely, despite my family being loving. I’ve somewhat healed from the depression thanks to my medication and therapy, but I still feel lonely. Recently, I made an account on rule 34 and I’ve had many pedos messaging me, asking for my discord ect. I, stupidly, gave it to every single one. I did what they asked me to do, just for fake affection. I send them pictures of my body, and after they stopped replying blocking them and self harming out of guilt (I relapsed recently). Now, I just can’t look at myself. I feel digusting. My body feels disgusting.
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1st of all, you have done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever. Secondly, as hard as it may be, you need to talk about it to someone you trust every time it happens. You can heal, and it takes patience and time. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please reach out to someone you love or trust and get more help and support. You’re a kid, and people who want to see those pictures are vultures attacking you. They’re the bad people.
I’m terribly sorry you feel as if you have to show your body online to creeps as a form of “love” and “validation”. Trust me you did a good thing blocking them, I’m sure you already know, but sometimes it’s better when someone tells you aswell, they did not love you, just weirdos online who get sick kicks out of doing shit like this. I understand why you would do something like this though, being lonely can make you do things you’d probably regret, all to feel any type of love no matter how twisted. Perhaps you have someone in your life you can talk to about this? Or try and get therapy? Again I’m sorry this has happened to you, you should never EVER have to feel as if your body is disgusting, nor should you self harm.
Look I’m a random mom on the internet & I can confidently say without knowing you I love you. Please find someone to talk to about these things. Finding help is #1 you’ve reached out to vent & that’s a big move! I’m proud that you have come to terms with what you’re doing to yourself. You don’t deserve the mind you’ve been given. At any age life can feel absolutely overwhelming or simply numb. When I was younger I felt it was necessary to feel loved. I’ve been where you are before. If you ever need to chat I’m here.
I won’t say I love strangers I know, the only thing I love is my girlfriend and my late dog, I have barely any emotional attachment to people I talk to, but you have some warped perceptions of affection and love if you think it’s mainly about being attractive or getting people to jack off to you. That’s just lust and lust is not love. Love is emotional, romantic or platonic, and it’s also intellectual. It’s complex and it’s about you as an individual, your thoughts, expressions, experiences, words, moments, memories etc, not about shallow stuff like how you look. Looks can play a role, but it’s only a small part of it. Some people will forever struggle with feeling loved, but just remember that resorting to pleasing people who wanna jack off to you will only do you more harm than good. There are better ways to go about this, the first thing is to remember that you always have self worth. No need to feel disgusting though, nothing about you has changed.
I’d advice to consult a theraphist though. Because this seems to be deeply rooted in something.
You didn’t do anything wrong. They did.
Continue doing the therapy. You got this. X
I’ve done something similar before 🥺as others have said, it definitely helps to have a trusted friend or therapist you can confide in about this. I know it’s scary to open up about something like this, but it will take a huge burden off your shoulders to have some support.
Don’t feed them pedos. You are distributing child pornography which could be a criminal offense in your jurisdiction.