Throwaway for anonymity.
My husband (31m) and I (23f) have been together for 3 years, married for 1. We have a home and a baby. Up to now, we get along really well and haven’t had any big issues. We’re experiencing a dry spell but obviously it’s because we just had a kid.
The other day when he was in the shower, I unlocked and looked through his phone. He usually takes it into the bathroom with him when he showers but this time it was left on the charger and I was really tempted to peek. The only explanations I can give are that I have previously been cheated on by my exes, so there’s some residual trauma there, and he has been a little suspicious with his phone (always looking at & typing on it even when he’s supposed to be spending time with his family, tilting the screen away from me, taking it everywhere with him, etc.).
I found that on several social apps, he’s been talking to other women. The conversations have been flirty and occasionally quite sexual. Some of them are women he used to be involved with before he met me, others I am not sure. Some of the women are in relationships but will still engage in sexual conversations with him. I checked the dates of the conversations and he’s been doing this for the entire time that we have been together, including after we got married, while I was pregnant, and after our baby was born. He’s even told some of them that he wishes he wasn’t married so he could pursue them.
I know I need to confront him about this or it will not change and might even escalate to full fledged cheating, if it hasn’t already. I am a little afraid to tell him I went snooping though because it’s a very untrusting and sneaky thing to do. I also don’t want to blow up our relationship because I’m sad for our baby growing up in a broken family. But I haven’t been able to stop crying whenever I have a moment to sit and think about what he does behind my back, and has done since we started dating. I thought I was enough for him, but I guess not.
Comments
That age difference was already a low point, expectedly downhill from there
A 28yo getting with a 20yo. Lady, your man is one of the bad ones. Hope to God that you get out before he gets you pregnant.
Edit: Oh no
I wouldn’t tell him just yet. I would wait till the next time you had an opportunity to see these messages and make sure to send copies, screenshots, anything that shows possible infertility or intent to cheat. Make sure to send them to an email he doesn’t have access to and maybe to a trusted friend.
That way you have the OPTION of divorce and proving it was him who cheated. In some states you could even get money for emotional distress from cheating. (Alienation of affection in my state)
I would make sure all that is lined up before confronting him about cheating. He expressed that he doesn’t want to be married to you, so this is a very likely outcome. I would also make sure you have friends ready for backup if you want to confront him.
You don’t want to start anything because you think your child would then grow up in a broken home. It’s already broken and not by your doing. I’ve had 2 year olds under my care where a spouse is cheating, and noticed behavioral issues start popping up after that. Kids know. You’re not protecting them by pretending this isn’t happening.
You can also talk to a divorce lawyer about your option with any evidence you have. You’d have the option to ask for marital counseling etc. But again he already expressed he doesn’t want to be married to you, so I would have my ducks in order before any confronting.
Maybe you could make up a plan story that someone anonymously contacted you claiming that your man has been flirting extra hard on them? And ask if you could see his messaging app (idk if it’s FB, Insta, whatever he uses that most people use) just to appease your anxiety? If he’s not regularly deleting his messages then his reaction should explain it all.
If you do follow through with this option, make sure you get the entire conversation recorded. Beforehand though, you should try and make sure you and your baby have a safe place to immediately move to.
Girl get your ducks in a roll talk to family see if you can move in with them or they can help you get a place file then confront you stay you showing your kid it’s ok to treat someone like he is
Talk to a divorce attorney. Get your ducks in a row.
He’s obviously not going to change. May I suggest that you pretend everything’s fine while you work on an exit plan and start becoming more independent. Maybe suggest splitting finances so he’s not spending family money on dates, start working regular hours and saving if you can. Gather some cheating evidence then when you feel ready and secure, present him with divorce papers just say you fell out of love and you don’t even have to mention you look through his phone unless you want to.
I would suggest the sooner the better for your kids sake. There’s enough evidence out there that shows children who experience divorce at a younger age, cope with it better than kids that are 8+older. Now that you know you’re gonna put yourself in constant stress ruin your mental health and at some point you’re gonna start resenting and you don’t want your kid to see you like that.
Really think about the future maybe seek some counseling with a lawyer and therapist. Good luck
Your baby is already growing up in a broken family, regardless of if you leave or stay. Leave, he does not respect or love you. This is already cheating.
Get a lawyer. Leave him.
If he’s done this through your relationship I really don’t think he’s going to change even if you do bring it up.
Your baby will grow up in a broken family either way because mom is broken. I can bet you’ll spend the rest of this relationship wanting to see his phone, questioning where he’s going, questioning why you aren’t enough for him etc. It’s not fair on you. If you want to move forward you can’t be checking through his phone or interrogating because that’s not fair on him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. We have intuition for a reason. You don’t have to put up with it because you share a child, just know that.
Your relationship was over the minute you looked through his phone. Just saying if you feel like you couldn’t trust him before I doubt you’ll be able to build that up again.
So he’s been doing this the whole relationship…I doubt he’ll stop! He just an ass who’s wasting your time
In my opinion, don’t try to confront your husband, from the history you gave him, I know your husband won’t stop talking on the apps. You can print, talk, fight….. your husband will promise and not fulfill, he will be more careful. I’m sorry.