It’s so cruel of me to think this way but I spend every day hoping he would not come home. It’s been 6 years and mostly disagreements or doing more things separately because we can’t agree, and yet planning to do things together that I secretly know might not be so fun. It hasn’t been a marriage that began in an ideal environment. He is not an easy person to live with or deal with at all. Temper issues, nitpicking, quite frequently controlling, mood swings, the works. When he’s good, it’s great. Very loving, funny and affectionate. But I always know there is something underneath. We can’t even have important conversations about what upsets us about each other or family issues– you know the real uncomfortable stuff.
Now he’s been living in the other room for the past 1 week. It’s a long story but it’s been very painful. And I realize almost every day I wish he somehow would not come home or he would cheat on me. I know I would not be hurt because I have no love left inside me, just a sense of duty. You might ask why don’t I just leave. I am afraid of confrontation and he also has some chronic health issues that make me feel responsible. I am in therapy but while the therapist is really nice I am just hitting dead end after dead end.
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Well if you can’t leave and you can’t stand him there’s always cannabis
Im sorry you feel like you can’t leave, but that may be something you want to work up to. No one can save you from a life you don’t want to live, besides you.
Is there no way to heal the relationship? What about couples therapy? Why can’t you guys have deep intimate talks together?
Every year that goes by that you don’t get at the courage to leave, is another year you’ll regret it.
This is your life, and if you don’t make a change, this is going to be your life forever.
This doesn’t sound like a good partnership, he likely has some of the similar feelings.
Yes, he might have some chronic illness but it’s not up to you to take care of him. He’s an adult and has his own agency.
Ghost him?
His health issues are his problem and responsability not yours. If you leave you do yourself and him a favor as you are incompatible and there is no love between you.
What I’d say to a close friend telling me this: You can’t change him. Grow a backbone, make the arrangements, and get the fuck out. You deserve to be happy. People stay in shitty toxic relationships all the time, choosing every day to stay miserable, and people divorce all the time. You get to choose which life you’d rather live, but you only get one life to do it.
Oh dear…💔😬😔 time to put yourself first girlfriend!
He go to therapy too?
“You might ask why don’t I just leave. I am afraid of confrontation and he also has some chronic health issues that make me feel responsible.”
Again I am asking, why don’t you leave? Neither of these are good enough reasons to stay. It sounds like you’ll be much happier by yourself.
I spent a lot of years with an abusive, bipolar man. One thing in your story stood out to me that was pointed out to me by a dear friend.
You’re splitting the good and bad parts of him like they are two people. They’re not. The good times and the bad times are the same man.
Don’t spend your life on someone who makes you feel bad. There is so much joy to be had on the other side. Join us out here. I believe in you.
I felt trapped in my marriage for a long time and had similar thoughts. I would wish he wouldn’t come home, he’d fall in love with someone else, even worse. It was complicated bc we had kids. But I was miserable with him and I wanted out, I just didn’t have the courage to do it myself.
In the end I did end up leaving him. It was HARD and he didn’t take it well. It took me a while to be stable afterwards. But now, six years out, life is so much more peaceful.
Nobody is going to come rescue you. But YOU can rescue yourself.
You aren’t doing yourself or him any favors staying in this dynamic. You need to plan out a way to leave. Perhaps get counselling.
You may also consider breaking up without a face to face initially. If he has a temper to the point that you are afraid to talk about serious things, then I think you are justified in just being gone one day when he comes home. You can communicate via phone or text until you are strong enough for a face to face.
Thats how it had to be with my first raging, manipulative boyfriend. In person attempts were useless because he just wore me down.
I (mid 30s M) and my wife (early 30s F) are kind of in a similar place. Some of the circumstances are mixed up, im the sole provider and she hasnt worked in years, no kids, barely getting by, we live in separate camper trailers now cause we cant stand living together. I support my wife financially, and we are both living on my coworkers property. We have been thru hell and back, but we fight way too much, we care about each other but i dont think we are in love anymore. We clash a lot, there is very little intimacy between us anymore, and we’ve been hovering around divorce for several years now. I’ve gotten to the point i don’t really like sexy time with her that much anymore, it all just feels terribly one sided most of the time, and i get yelled at in the middle of everything if i do something wrong. I feel like she wants me to treat her like a queen and just do everything for her. She has some health issues, so do i. Its not an excuse on either side, but we let it get in the way. Honestly… theres no good option. Either feel like shit and leave, or feel like shit and stay. At least if you leave, you have a chance to move past it and try to do better. At least for yourself. If you stay, you will only resent each other, and likely take it out on each other, and it will escalate.
As for being able to discuss deep, meaningful, relationship topics, i have a ton of trouble with that too. I dont really know how i feel most of the time, and when i try to explain my feelings they generally get dismissed. I feel like, deep down, i desperately want to leave but i dont know how, or how to express that without starting hell. Its never easy.
I’m sorry, i wish i had better answers.
By staying, you aren’t just making yourself miserable — he’s miserable too.
Do everyone a favor and let him go so you both can heal and build happier lives.
Be strong and make a clean break so you can both move on.
Are you planning to sacrifice your happiness and the next 50 years of your one brief life to take care of the health issues of someone that makes you miserable?
It sounds like he is also begrudgingly staying with you because it provides him free in home healthcare.
What if you never met each other? Do you think he’d be living on the side of the road just collapsed in a heap? Or do you think he would’ve figured out how to get care some other way? At this point you are enabling him to be helpless and use you. You’re both addicted to the misery and afraid of change.
How long will you be able to live like this before making a move to improve your life? Or will you just wait this out
If you’re not willing to leave him, therapy won’t do much. Therapy can’t help make you more comfortable with what you’ve described here, or help you numb your feelings enough to make it ok. This sounds really painful but maybe it’s time to do what you imagine you can’t do.
Pretend you literally just met him. Would you even date him? If no, detach. The relationship is toxic, dysfunctional, unhealthy. You aren’t in love with him. You are incompatible.
His health issues aren’t your concern.
Detach! Break free! Create the life you want. Nobody will come save you. The passage of time will not correct or change anything! You’ll just keep making excuses for staying until you are old and miserable.
Once you leave him you never have to worry about walking on eggshells around him ever again but that’s a choice only you can make.
u/BurbNBougie