I’ve battled with alcohol for the last 20 years. I managed to stop for multiple years, but I started again in December of 2023 after the sudden death of a loved one. It truly was a shattering experience, but in hindsight, I think I also used that as was a way to justify having a drink.
Since then, I’ve been drinking every day. A lot. At least half a fifth of whiskey if not more. Sometimes I’ll be able to stop for 3 or 4 days, but then I’m back on it. I’m hungover all the time. I’m getting fat again. I feel terrible mentally and physically. And not a soul on earth knows about it, because I’ve hid it so well. I usually don’t slur or stumble, and if I get that drunk, I make sure no one sees me or talks to me on the phone.
The fact that no one knows is making it harder to quit, because I don’t have any real accountability to anyone, and I need that. I’m single, no kids, no worries about work.
I’m a drunk who also struggles with finding a good reason to quit. I hate how I feel and how it’s keeping me from doing a lot of things that I want to do, but there’s also enough apathy there (probably due at least in part to the depressive nature of booze) that it’s so easy to slide into a “fuck it” attitude. I’m in a purgatory of my own making and have no one to lean on, because I made sure there’d be no one.
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Do you not have withdrawals. I was an alcoholic for 17 years,and just not having to deal with withdrawal keeps me from drinking.
You think no one knows, people always know
Excuses are easy – I have a much better excuse than you and I didn’t toss nearly 30 years sober away.
Get back on the sober train if booze is a problem, good luck
Unless you’re entirely alone during and for hours after, people know. They just haven’t said anything to you.
Holy shit, you just described almost my exact situation but I have kids and a signifcant other. I also battled for 20 years and had been 100% sober for over a year, and then I started up again slowly over the past 14 months. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I need to reach out for help again because I’m closer to going back to the dark side than being totally sober again at this point.
Each day is a new opportunity to start it again. And then another and another and another. You’re not going to find someone to bail you out you gotta lean on yourself. Good luck. I have a year and half going strong
A wise man once told me: “there’s nothing that can happen in my life that a drink won’t make worse”.
It’s never too late to get back on track.
Have you ever been to the Sober Recovery discussion forums? https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ I found them super helpful when I finally stopped drinking for good 7 years ago. For the past couple of years, I’ve been "California sober" using cbd and thc, which is frowned upon there but it’s WAY less harmful to my life than drinking ever was. I still remember that feeling of drunken despair so clearly and I never want to go back again. Good luck friend ❤️
Just stop!!!!!!!!!!!
This I can relate to!
I was sober for about 6 years. Then I started drinking again about 15 months ago. I keep trying to say, okay this is the week I’ll cut back but then the work week starts and I stop to get beer when I come back from the gym in the evening. When I wasn’t drinking I was about 190 lbs. Now I’m probably like 220 lbs. (or more). Ideally I’d like to see if I can just limit my drinking to like Fridays. But yeah its hard to turn the ship around.
Hey man, I have a lot of experience with alcoholism. I’m 4.5 years off the drink. I have some great tools that I used to get sober that most people don’t know about. DM and I will tell you more.
You know how this story ends. Are you ready to do the hard thing and make a true effort to stop?
I know for me, every failed attempt at quitting my drug just withered me down that much more. Eventually, you just know you’re full of shit and you can’t do it alone.
Rehab for 3 whole months. Life on pause, lost so much. But gained sobriety. Now I have it all back and wayyyy more, and going strong for 7+ years. Good luck to you!
Remember….you’ve crushed this before!!!
You’re only stuck in purgatory as long as you allow yourself to be!
Stick up for yourself!!
IWNDWYT or tomorrow!
This disease is chronic, progressive and fatal – you know it will get worse. Get help now before you hurt yourself or someone else. You can do it, you’ve done it before!
You say you have no accountability to anyone to get better, but why are you leaving yourself out of the equation? You are slowly poisoning yourself to death, is that not reason enough to get better? For yourself? Get some therapy and attend some meetings. Replace the addiction with a hobby, like art, writing, working out, dog walking, cooking, volunteering, etc.
Pls seek therapy for why you drink. To numb. You have hurts, felt uncared for, misunderstood, was neglected. You have to address why. Then tackle stopping so you can heal and be better to yourself
Well man. It’s up to you. Who do you want to be in 5yrs time? Or 1 even?
I was sober for 7 years. Then, like you, i found an excuse to drink again. Thought I could handle it. That was about 2 years ago.
I saw myself return pretty fast to the drunk that i used to be. I gained weight and felt like crap. I realised that if I kept going, I’m heading for a really crap end to my life.
Haven’t had a drink since new years. Had some cravings, but that’s not who i want to be, so I’ve not had any. I don’t want to be a fat, boring, unhealthy drunk.
I have plans for my future and drinking will make it impossible to achieve them.
But that’s just me. What do you want?
Things(that make you want to drink) can get better if you’re sober. If you’re a drunk, things can never get better.
So basically it’s choosing between a slow, miserable suicide(what you’re doing now) and facing life for long-term happiness
For the past year I have leaned heavily on an addiction as a form of escapism following the breakdown of a long term relationship. There was a period, in the months leading up to the break up and up to a year after, in which I went cold turkey. Then it became clear they weren’t returning and so I lost all motivation and will power.
I’ve been meaning to quit again but I struggle to find reason when life is empty. I don’t care enough about myself to do it for me. So I can relate to your struggle, if only a little.
Please put the alcohol down and love yourself. Alcohol is a one way ticket to destruction. I love you, stay safe friend.
Please seek medical assistance – it is difficult to end an addiction and you will benefit from the help. Volunteer – find a volunteer gig that gets you out of the house in the evening, preferably one that you go to right after work, don’t go home first. Throw yourself into, make friends, ask if there are other ways you can be of help. If you enjoy working with kids… you may be motivated to set a good example for a healthy lifestyle.
Welp. Doing it undercover is kind of the thing, no?
In any case, you now have a personal view point to both being sober and not being sober. That’s pretty cool! By now you’re actually actually able to make your own decision, I think. You know how to quit and you know how to keep on drinking.
No matter which option you go for, I think you can do it.
Do you also avoid people the next day? Because adults can definitely smell you the next day even if you’ve showered and have cologne/Perfume on and know you had drank the day before.
Tldr: everyone knows op. They’re just not confident enough to broach the subject with you yet
I’m sorry, I hope you can recover soon.
Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship is there for you. Contact them. They most likely will come to your house.
I’d recommend cannabis as a lifetime replacement for alcohol. They now have thc infused drinks in stores in many states. Non toxic to the body and no hangovers.
Head on over to r/stopdrinking IWNDWYT
Just because know one knows isn’t a good reason to continue. I’m in a similar boat but I’ve been cutting back for my health. The doctor hasn’t said anything, it hasn’t had any immediate consequences that are overt, but they are there. Looking inward I think it’s light depression, but I’ve got to find reasons to be positive. I’m quitting during the week at least, and I challenge you to do the same.
You’ll come to a point where it just doesn’t work anymore. I remember lying on the floor with a full bottle and it wasn’t working. I couldn’t get it in me fast enough or I was so sick I was throwing it up. After that happens to you a couple times you remember it. That’s if you don’t die first. My brother and my best friend both died at 50 from heart failure due to alcoholism. AA meetings will help you with accountability. Go and tell the group that you need help with that, and they will help. I finally got sober at 48, relapsed a few times after being sober 5 years, and now I’m back to almost 17 months again. You just have to keep trying.
Have you tried going to AA meetings?
Get ur ass to a detox unit and then head to a treatment Center. Also time to fess up to friends and family so they can help you on your sobriety journey. You can’t nor should you do it alone. Having said that you have to want to go back to being sober if not nothing anyone says or does is going to work. I have been sober for 10 years after a 20-25 years of daily drinking sometimes a glass of scotch sometimes a bottle depended on the day and what was going on. Maybe try attending an AA meeting if nothing else. Hope you decide to take back your sobriety.
If you truly want to quit, start using kratom. If you drink while using kratom, you will throw up. Also, pick an instrument and learn to play it. This will keep your mind busy and keep you from getting bored. I used kratom to quit drinking. It’s been six years since my last drink, and I feel terrific. You can do it too.
fun fact my brother did the same thing, we tried to get him help a few dozen times and it never worked. We had not seen him or heard from him for two weeks and went to his place where we found him dead rotting on his couch for two weeks from alcohol, alcohol at your stage is just suicide. Get your papers in order and at least do your family that favour –
As a daughter of alcoholics, I could smell when my mom drank recently from her natural musk. She smelled different, her skin looked different, there are so many subtle tells that you learn after so many years. Her mouth would rest a different way. Her smile was off. Even if she was sober at the moment, I knew within the last few days she must have drank. And it always came out, one way or another. It’s very likely people who care about you know, and i don’t say that to scare you. Obviously if they know and haven’t told you, they probably don’t want you to feel judged or lesser than, just for your struggle, because you aren’t. But if believing nobody knows it’s what keeping you from getting help and getting back to sobriety, I wouldn’t lean on that.
If you’ve never been to AA, I recommend, even if just to listen to other people’s stories once or twice. It really can help you put your struggle and drinking into perspective. I went a lot with my parents. My parents aren’t religious, and found ways to take the religious spin of AA and turn it into something that works for them, so if that’s something that would hold you back from going, don’t let it be. Also, sobriety isn’t a one and done deal for most, and you’d hear a lot of that in a meeting. Just because you started drinking again doesn’t mean you can’t stop again and keep trying. My mom has “fallen off the wagon” more times than I can count. But every time, her sobriety lasts longer and longer and her life gets better.
I will warn, what alcoholics put their loved ones through is so damaging, and I learned that my parents are completely oblivious to most of it, even in sobriety. Many things they have no recollection of and just never considered. Im glad you’ve mostly been alone, so as to not harm others and have them see you that way. But you’ve also probably done the opposite without realizing—not been around when you could’ve been, if you were sober. Or there could be things you’ve done and don’t remember, which is mostly my experience with my mother.
I hope you’re doing better emotionally after such a terrible loss, I’m so sorry it’s been hard. The people who love you need you to be safe and healthy. Best of luck to you.
Ps. I do see a some “come clean” comments. Maybe just start with AA, something anonymous if telling people who know you is too scary of a step. I can’t imagine having to make a confession like that, and I couldn’t even tell you if it would be necessary for people to know any time soon. The most important thing is getting yourself well as soon as possible, not making yourself feel ashamed, embarrassed, or overwhelmed. Strangers could be a great start—you’re doing it now!
Whiskey has a pretty strong smell
In truth you sound like a functioning addict. Arguably the worst because they rarely hit a rock bottom that others see. I’d suggest reaching out for some help. I wish you all the best my dude.
I can relate dog.. I gave it up, slipped up/justified it enough that I was stuck in a cycle of feeling guilty/saying fuck it and hiding it from everyone. Try to get 24 hours removed and then tell someone what you’re going through. It’s easy to project outwards of how you will be perceived, but I think you may be pleasantly surprised in their reaction. And just be proud of yourself for that; day 2 of no alcohol and instead of resuming you told someone. You can give yourself some credit, while you’re still upset about the past; they are not mutually exclusive. Best of luck bro, don’t beat yourself up over it more than you need to.
They know
There is a guy on YouTube who is battling liver disease due to alcoholism. His channel is called “liver disease.” He seems to have an amazing and supportive group of followers who are working on or towards sobriety. He has a very kind way about him. You might like his channel.
AA
Swap addictions brother. You’re an addict and always will be. I am too, just swap it for endorphins (the gym, distance running, a positive habit)
I stopped 18 months ago, I was a fat mess, it had a hold of me, and I was so down, I was told I was 3 months away from being on insulin, since then I stopped and lost 52ib, I look in the mirror and see the old me, I dug my way out, and I stubbornly will never make an excuse to drink again.
You only think no one knows. Alcoholics always think they deserve an Academy Award for their performances. The truth is they are winning a Razzie (Golden Raspberry). You can’t heal until you stop the self-deception and lies.
My drinking buddy died of cirossis in 22. I spent 2 and half years watching her die and she was drunk through it all. She was in diapers and had alcoholic dementia. I took a picture of her a week before she died and I keep it on my phone. On the rare occasion I think about a drink, I pull up that picture and I can smell it. The urine, the feces, the Vicks vapo rub that I had to wear inside a mask to be able to go in her home and change her diapers on the weekends when no caregiver was sent. I can think of dozens of ways I’d prefer to die. I’ve been sober for 3 years now. Check out r/stopdrinking. That sub helped me to save my own life.
Please get help, therapy, rehab whatever you need; my dad’s currently in the hospital getting a liver transplant from cirrhosis. You deserve to get better and I hope you never go through that
You should try a heroic dose of a psychedelic. Mushrooms, lsd, or ayuhuasca.
Same story, but I lost a lot of family in 2019 and I’m still putting drinks down the hatch. I may not have your history, but I can give you this advice: It doesn’t numb the pain, it just spreads it out over years and years.
Do better than me. Quit now.