I started rumors about myself and purposefully bad myself look bad to see if people will reject me.

I going to write this here and then I’m probably going to tell my therapist.

So these types of behaviors started in high school. I tried to make myself look promiscuous. I thought guys did not like that and would then get away from me. It worked a little. I just made a gesture like sucking duck with my hand to my mouth. I thought it was weird and that it would get people away from me. I annoyed and pestered a lot of people. I just wanted them to get away. I remember a girl was nice to me. She said thank you because I helped with something. The thought of her getting close to me made me start acting weird again. I ignored all her boundaries low key sexually harassed her. I got near her and said in a low voice that I masterbated to her. I didn’t even actually do that. But I wanted her to squirm and be disgusted by me. I would act crazy like if I was losing my mind. I would make random grunting noises. I knew it was weird. I knew it would make me look bad. Sorta like a sexual deviant. I started a rumor about me sleeping with a teacher. I’ll explain. There was a boy named Malco that was kinda interested in me. It looked like something was going to happen and that he might ask me out. He said one of the reasons he was hesitant to ask me out was because people talked a lot about me. All the rumors. So then I started a rumor. I was in class and I made sure everyone was watched. I got near the teacher. I stretched my hand out. I kinda just pointed at his shirt. Then I lowered my hand. He was confused. I sorta pulled away but then I lowered it again. Then he just moved my hand. I knew everyone was watching. I wanted them to. I knew it would start a rumor. It did start a rumor of me sleeping with teachers. They added teachers I never even spoke to in my life. So that’s how rumors start. I remember another guy had a crush on me. His name was Christian. I could tell from the way he looked at me. He invited me to an after school thing. Then I remember he sat near me and tried to talk to me. I didn’t shower that day. Sometimes I would do that so that people would get away. Like ewww the stinky girl. He got a sniff. Later he asked me out on a date when we were 21. So it did not work lol.
I dressed really ugly even though I did not want to. I thought that would keep men away. It did not work either.
I remember I was getting harassed by Malco. He would not stop having my name in his mouth. I challenged him and then he started to get closer to me to intimidate me. So then I had this weird ass plan were I was going to change when ever he tried to go inside the class because it was where the soccer girls changed. So I did that. He did leave. I guess he did not want to be a pervert.

One time I wore a super short skirt. On purpose. You could see my underwear. It was probably a child’s skirt. I did that so that another guy that had a crush on me would leave me alone. It did not work. It just made him mad and made him want to control me. For him I was also musty for the whole day. I thought he would leave me alone. He didn’t leave me alone because of that.

Later these types of behaviors went over to my friend group. I was 19. Post high school. One year of college completed. I was trying to make my friend think I was the weirdest freak in the world I did not understand how she still wanted to be friends with me. I said something about beastiality. I wanted to see her squirm and be repulsed by me and then hopefully reject me.

It’s like I was a clown. 🤡 I did things i didn’t even like. I didn’t dress how I liked. I didn’t smell how I liked. I didn’t have the image I wanted.