We’ve been together for 7 years and have a 5 year old.
We don’t fight, I’m non confrontational. But when we do it ends with me getting the silent treatment.
We haven’t been on a date in years. I stopped organising them and he doesn’t try to. But then, he doesn’t even say hello to me when I get home.
He doesn’t do chores and when he does, it only benefits himself. He only wants to talk about things that he wants to talk about. He asked me how my day was a few weeks ago and I almost had a heart attack. I get some much more compassion and interest from the other people around me.
Then there’s our kid. He used to yell at her. He expects our kid to be way more advanced and independent than an almost 5 year old should be and then gets angry with her.
I am her primary carer. I feel like a single mother. And sometimes I pretend that I am and it’s so much easier.
He also doesn’t earn money and I don’t know if I trust that he’ll ever be stable.
I just don’t feel seen or like I have a partner and I’ve started to withdraw over the last 6 months.
When it’s good, we’re great friends. He makes a good dad when he wants to. Our daughter loves him.
But I just don’t know if I have good enough reasons to leave. Are they?
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The first thing you need to do is drum up the courage to sit down with him outside of the home and away from your daughter, and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him he needs to pull his weight around the house with the chores, especially as it seems you are the breadwinner And should not be expected to do everything. Maybe you could arrange a date night for the two of you and talk to him at the same time. Communication is the key here.
What’s good enough reason to leave someone? You have to think about the consequences that might have on you in every aspect, your kid, where you gonna be and so on.
divo re sucks. suck it up. therapy, counseling, tough conversations, try something and then try something else. and if that don’t work try something else. i think the kid is priority
I think you’re done. Sounds like you’ve already been through the trying and getting nowhere. The odd scraps of his occasionally being a better husband and dad sound completely disheartening. You just need to get the courage to tell him. He’ll be “blindsided” and want to try and improve and the cycle goes again. Better to stay firm and have him move out.
Sorry but you’ve got the rest of your life to live and kids aren’t better in a home where parents are unhappy – they can feel it. Hopefully he’ll start being a consistently good dad when he sees her less and appreciates her.
No one can tell you if you’re doing the right thing. But you deserve happiness and so does your daughter. Whatever you decide she’s watching and it will have an effect on her that will last a lifetime. Sometimes the best way to think about it is to pretend it’s her not you, what would you tell her? Let that be your guide
The question is can you live like this another 7 years? If the answer is no, then it’s time to leave. You need to be an example for your child. Otherwise she will see this as normal and live a similar life.
You’re unhappy and it’s been going on for a long time. There’s things you could try, like therapy, but that will only work if he’s actually interested in getting better and it sounds like he’s put zero effort into the relationship. I think divorce is a really valid option. You deserve to be happy and honestly you’d be doing right by your child by modelling to her that you know that you deserve better and won’t accept poor treatment from your partner. Only you know what is right for you but you don’t need anyone else to validate that if you know it in your heart.
This is the case of if he wanted to he would. And he doesn’t want to put in the effort he doesn’t care. He is taking you for granted and the shouting at the child is such a red flag. If my husband ever shouted at my child for anything like that he’d be gone. He is selfish and ot does things that benefit him. With therapy do you think you can move on from this? Do you love him still? Like you said when it’s good we are good friends. Marriage is not just friendship it’s a partnership do you behave that?
Co-parenting when divorced can be really, really difficult. Address your concerns with him directly and tell him you are contemplating giving up on your marriage. Find a therapist but be careful and trust your gut- some can be assholes ( my ex was obviously lying to both of our faces and our therapist didn’t support me when I called her out on it when it was obvious she was having an affair). You don’t need to be supporting a full- grown man for the rest of your life, especially when you have a child to support and care for.
Silent treatment, zero effort, and dumping all parenting on you? Yeah, that’s more than enough. You deserve a partner, not a roommate who checks out emotionally and financially. Your kid deserves better too. Trust your gut, it’s been telling you what you already know.
you have my permission to leave this situation
My phone won’t let me see what others have said. Marriage is for the two of you only. What he made you do is adultery. If he was watching, he is a principal in the second degree. In the most read case in the English Law Reports, a member of the House of Lords was executed for doing it.
I’d like to know what reasons you think would be “good enough” to leave?
You have absolutely no romantic relationship to him, don’t seem to even be friends with him at this point, doesn’t contribute much to the household in terms of cleaning or money, and is a crappy father. Most of all, you’re unhappy.
…why are these not good enough reasons to leave?
Read your post like it was written by a stranger, and try to think of some reason that anyone would tell that person to stay in their marriage.
Your gut feeling is usually correct. If you’re feeling that you need a divorce and to move on, do it. And then pursue whatever path makes you happiest.