I’m a 30yo F.
A little backstory: there’s definitely been some tension put on our relationship throughout the past year just from life. We had our second child, I battled postpartum, I had several health issues come up (5 surgeries in 1 year), he changed jobs (this was a big one), I was relocated to a different school on the 4th day of school (teacher here). There’s just been a lot of stressors.
Finally about 2 months ago we reached a point where we were in an argument and we decided we needed outside help. So we’ve been seeing a marriage counselor. It was going find. She’s had nothing but positive things to say about our progress. We started a marriage devotional we were doing every night. Until about 2 weeks ago.
Last week I reached a breaking point where I needed a break. I needed some me time to refill my cup. He was working every other day, he works 24 hour shifts, and it’s a 45 min drive from our house. So I was solo-parenting a lot. My 4 year old is very head strong and started having some unwanted behaviors. My 1 year old is VELCRO. And I’ve been struggling with my migraines and getting them under control again. So, I broke. I went to my mom crying, knowing we are tight on money, I asked her for some money for a hotel just for me to get away for a night or two. Which she gave me.
Fast forward to today, I had a therapy session where I discussed a lot. I was feeling very criticized by my husband and in turn started feeling not adequate as a wife or a mother. My therapist commends me on being a great communicator and very articulate with how I’m feeling. I tried to talk to him about this today just to put it on his radar so he wouldn’t be blind-sighted when we have our next couples counseling session. This turned into a whole thing. I don’t help enough around the house, I’m spending too much money (before you ask, yes I work. Teacher remember). He feels like a butler and a wallet. I validated his feelings. I told him I understood where he was coming from. And that we need to come up with a plan to set into action to prevent him from feeling that way.
I proceeded to tell him how I felt, which he told me he didn’t understand how he’s done that or why I feel that way. I also told him recently, probably for the past month, my grief has been very heavy. It’s felt like I’ve been carrying around a sack of bricks. (I lost my dad almost 2 years ago) and without getting too into it, my dad was my PERSON. Like talked to him 3 times a day, saw him multiple times a week, cooked and ate supper with him, all the things.
My husband then asks me at what point does the grief stop being so “in your face”? I said “idk I’ve never lost a parent before.” He’s never had to face heavy grief like losing a parent so young. He’s lost his grandparents and that’s it. He told me my grief was swallowing me and I wasn’t handling it well. Where, I feel the total opposite, I feel the feelings when they come up. I acknowledge them, give myself the space I need, and cry if I need to. I’ve been active with my family and friends. I get up and get dressed everyday. I play with my kids. My days function like they should. An outsider looking in would think I’m totally normal. On one hand he tells me he doesn’t mind me talking about my dad and my grief and then on the other hand he tells me “I don’t know how much I talk about it.” I said well I love to talk about my dad. I love having memories of him.
But with this whole “I’m grieving wrong” debacle I feel so alone. He no longer feels like a safe place for me. And the intrusive thought of “I just fell out of love” took over my head. I did NOT say this out loud. But now I feel stuck. Idk where to go from here. Am I the asshole? Help me. Delicate Feedback is appreciated.
❤️🔥
-spellfire
Comments
love fading doesn’t always mean something went wrong
sometimes ppl just grow in different directions
u don’t owe anyone a miserable life just to prove loyalty
if u tried and still feel nothing it’s ok to leave
I’m not a parent yet but I feel like your husband is being insensitive. It’s a good thing that you’re voicing out things that you’re feeling but it seems like he’s taking it as “complaining” or something. You’re clearly crying out for help and he’s acting like you’re being an inconvenience which pisses me off on your behalf. He needs to step up and be a man because he vowed “for better or for worse”. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please stay strong and I’m so deeply sorry for your loss
He’s coming up woefully short of his duties as a husband and father. I hope things turn around for you. Feel free to chat with a stranger if ever needed
39m here. So on the one hand, it does sound like your husband is falling short in a lot of ways. That’s important to after.
With grief though, you may be experiencing traumatic grief. To be feeling incapacitated by grief still at the two year mark after losing a loved one is a sign that something is not processing for you in the normal way. This is not to say you’re grieving wrong, not at all but rather that your grief may be a source of trauma. All loss is of course traumatic to some degree, but loss is a part of life and it’s normal for us to process and move on. If that process and that grief is still impacting your life and relationships in the way you’ve described and how your husband is perceiving it, it may be traumatic grief. In a nutshell, traumatic grief is basically grief so intense and traumatizing that you can’t process it; it’s essentially PTSD caused by loss. Again, all loss is accompanied by grief, but we normally process and recover over time. I’m not saying your husband is right, but he is clearly perceiving something about your grief and how it looks from the outside, and clearly it’s still affecting you to the point that he notices and it makes him uncomfortable. You may bring that topic up with your therapist.
Not not an asshole at all. You feel the way you feel.
I’m very sorry for your loss and also sorry for you not getting the support you need.
I think this calls for some deep reflection and soul searching. What do your gut and your heart tell you? Continue to fight for your relationship or put an end to it? Maybe a separation to test out what it’s like to be apart would help you to decide.
It sounds like you guys are dealing with a lot, for real.
He works ridiculous hours, you’re a teacher, two young kids, grief, plus relationship stress. I’d say cut yourselves both some slack because it sounds like you’re both doing amazing by both trying to work on issues as they’re happening, like you’re both emotionally intelligent and committed.
I can’t speak to all that stress – I’ve been married less than two months actually and we have no kids – but i lost my dad at 20 and have also dealt with periods of severe depression. I think both of these things can be very hard for people to understand from the outside without the experience. Depression, for example, to someone who hasn’t suffered almost just looks like laziness. They wouldn’t internally understand it just like I wouldn’t know what post partum depression is like (unless it’s just like depression? I actually have no idea)
Your husband is probably being insensitive out of ignorance. The grief issue but also the household, etc I’m not defending him, but I’m also not condemning him, because it sounds like you two are working through a lot of real life heavy shit.
For some reason I’m reminded of the occasional r/ask pages where I see someone ask about “the secret” to making long term relationships work. And people always say it takes that consistent work, and you may not even love them every day, because of things like what’s going on now.
You’re also not the ass hole. Sound like a bad ass.
Good luck!
Your husband is tired.
He isn’t your safe place but you are definitely not his peace.
If he feels like a butler is probably because he does a lot of work around the home. If he feels financially taken advantage of then he probably feels as if you love his resources and not him the person.
So you want him to be your safe space when you are not his, your cleaner, and your financial support while at the same time getting nothing from you in terms of a partner?
Mom and partner are not mutually inclusive, meaning you maybe a great Mother but that does not mean you are a great wife.
You need solo counseling, not marriage counseling yet. How can you work on your marriage if you are depressed? Also how can you depend on someone who is married to someone who is depressed. That’s not a cake walk.
I’m surprised that none of this was addressed with their therapist. It’s actually kind of stunning to read 5 paragraphs about all the family stress before OP reveals that they’ve lost ‘their person’. Go to your therapist and show them your post, they will help you.