TL;DR; My girlfriend does not let me into her world and disrespects me (un)knowingly
Hey Reddit,
I (27M) have been in a long-distance relationship for a few months now, though I’ve known her for about six. If I’m being honest, if I hadn’t been the one constantly initiating things, this relationship probably never would’ve started. She’s never made the effort to visit me, not even once. I’m the one always traveling to her—juggling time off, adjusting my schedule, and spending money—all while trying to balance some health issues that already make energy a limited resource. Still, I show up, because I care.
I’ve tried to show her in every way that she matters. I brought thoughtful gifts for her birthday, prepared a dinner and made sure she feels the thought. And what did I get in return on my birthday one month later? Just a simple happy birthday. No effort. I’ve been open and transparent, ready to integrate her into my world. I even left my phone with her when I went to the bathroom once, fully trusting her.
She, on the other hand, feels like a closed book. I don’t know anyone from her life. Not her friends. Not her family. Not even acquaintances. She spends time with these people regularly, yet I’ve never been invited—even when opportunities came up. It’s like she only spends just enough time with me to keep things going, and then disappears into her world where I’m not welcome. I’ve even deliberately left room for her to suggest spending more quality time together, just us. That moment never comes.
Then there’s Snapchat. She’s extremely active on it—it’s her main messaging app. She says it’s just “how she talks to her friends,” but to me, it feels like a teen-centered app built around secrecy. I’ve seen parts of her chats by accident—frequent messages, private jokes, people I’ve never met. She tries to explain who they are, but they remain names without faces. It’s like her social world is visible only in words, never in real life. One time she even said she “has to introduce me to one of her friends soon”—but nothing ever came of it, and no plans were made. It just faded, like everything else.
There was also a very emotional situation early on—a deeply personal, life-altering moment that affected both of us. I won’t go into detail, but it tested me in ways I didn’t expect. I supported her through it quietly and with care, while managing my own emotions. I thought we’d grow closer after that. Instead, she pulled further away emotionally.
The small things? They sting in silence. One time I mentioned ordering skincare online, and she joked that her parents wouldn’t understand why her boyfriend “knows about moisturizers but not how to use farm tools.” It’s a silly comment—but when you’re already feeling unseen, it starts to sound like shame. Or quiet disrespect.
And then… there was the party. She knew I felt uneasy about it. She admitted that to me. Still, she went. At 2AM, she and her friend ended up sitting with a group of guys—because one of the guys literally made a bet that he could get them to come over. She told me about it like it was funny. Harmless. But I couldn’t imagine ever putting her in a situation like that. Not even close.
More recently, the most painful thing has been how little initiative she shows when I try to feel included. When I told her I was planning to visit again, she said “We’ll see.” When I told her I was feeling distant or off, she mirrored it right back—“Well, if you’re not trying hard, I won’t either.” That’s not compromise. That’s emotional punishment.
She has big emotional ups and downs—some days she’s loving, excited to see me (especially physically), but then hours later she’s distant, cold, or distracted. She clearly craves physical intimacy, but emotionally, I feel alone. It’s like I’m more useful to her than meaningful.
So here’s my honest question:
Is this just what emotionally guarded people are like—private, slow to open up, and fiercely independent? Or is this emotional manipulation, where I’m being fed crumbs of connection just enough to make me stay, while never really being invited into her real life?
I feel invisible in this relationship. I love her, or at least I did… truly. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m in love with the idea of what this could be, rather than what it actually is.
I don’t want to let go when things get rough. But this is something so essential for me that I can’t just ignore my feelings and wait for her to move things in right direction.
thank you for reading all of this.
Has anyone been through something like this? What helped you see it clearly?