Hi Reddit, to be clear, I did not literally marry my father. The title will become clearer as I explain the situation I’m now in.
I, (32F) married my husband (29M) two years ago, we celebrated our anniversary in April. I met my husband when I was still dating my ex, he had a crush on me for about a year and waited patiently for my relationship to fizzle out before making a move. We had our first kiss at a dance party November of 2023 and became official shortly after. By February, we were engaged to be married, and by April we were married and moved in together.
Honestly, most of our marriage has been wonderful. We love each other and always used to make it a point to make each other feel special, and to feel supported in our dreams and goals in life. That is until this past month.
One of the things that bonded us really quickly was the fact that we both come from verbally violent households. Our fathers are both rageaholics, mine in a narcissistic way that picks fights with me and my mother just to yell at us and make us grovel for forgiveness. His father has a habit of yelling when he feels slighted, even if it’s unintentional or not really what’s happening, and screams at his family until they relent, and then he pretends nothing happened.
Onto the issue here. My husband recently left his job and now doesn’t know what he wants to do. He hated his old job, so he quit, and I’ve been supporting us to give him some time to figure out his next move. I cook, clean the house, and work 3 jobs to pay the bills while he spends most of his free time on his PC. Somehow, that didn’t even bother me too much, because I did what I did out of love and a natural desire to care for my partner. But what’s now started happening is that he will be nasty or bitchy to me at random moments, and then get upset when I react. Having grown up with that kind of gaslighting rage, my natural setting is to apologize and smooth things over to make everything okay. I’ve been doing this every time it happens, and he always apologizes and says it’s not my fault and it’s just his rage issues. But for the past two weeks, it’s been happening every day. Last night, I came home after a stressful 9-hour day at the office to find him cooking burgers with a steamer on a pan, and I chuckled, threw my arms around him and and said “What in the world?” in a joking tone. He then looked at me like I told him to go fuck himself, and stormed off to his office and locked the door without a word.
I don’t know what happened but somehow last night it clicked. I literally did nothing. So, I decided to have a night to myself. I took a shower, poured a glass of wine and talked to one of my best friends on the phone for two and a half hours. It was the most relaxed I’ve been in a month. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t need to worry about walking on eggshells or babying him like I tend to do in my free time. He came out once in a while to go to the bathroom, shooting daggers at me like he was waiting for an apology. Instead, I just kept talking to my friend and enjoying my peace. I went to bed alone, he slept in the guest room, and I slept like a baby. This morning, at 6am, he came into the room and got into bed on his side without a word. I had to get up for work anyway, so I went to the bathroom, got dressed, and headed out the door.
So here’s my question guys. I want to give him an ultimatum to go to anger management, or we’re doing a trial separation. I know it seems like a big response but I’ve seen where this road leads and I refuse to stay on track to becoming my mother. Thoughts? Suggestions? How can I approach this? I don’t want to leave him but I need to put myself first. If he’s not going to prioritize my wellbeing and happiness, why should I prioritize his?
Thanks for your thoughts, I’m open to anything I can get at the point.
Comments
You didn’t marry a partner, you adopted your dad in gamer form. If he won’t fix his temper while you’re carrying the whole damn house, then he’s choosing rage over you.
Girl, you didn’t marry your dad you married a dude acting like a toddler with Wi-Fi. You’re working 3 jobs, running the house, and still expected to soothe his ego? Nah. Ultimatum makes sense. Therapy or separation. You’re not his emotional punching bag. You already know where this path goes don’t gaslight yourself into staying on it.
NTA. Tell him: anger management or goodbye. You deserve better than his rage circus
How about you two go to couples counseling?
You sound really self-aware, that’s fantastic. I’d get some professional guidance for yourself as well.
You’re 100% right you’re not your mother and you don’t have to live her life. Your instinct is spot on: set a clear boundary. Calmly tell him you love him, but his anger outbursts are hurting you and your marriage. He needs to get help (therapy or anger management) or you’ll step back for your own peace. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home. It’s not too harsh it’s self-respect.
Anger management or trial separation 100% fair. You’re not his therapist or his mom. Let him step up or step out
I think your feelings are absolutely valid, like you said you’ve seen where this road can go and you don’t deserve that, if we don’t pay attention to history it will repeat itself.
That said, your thoughts on the ultimatum are not extreme, they are also valid. If he loves you he will choose anger management or at least sit down and talk to you to see where you are coming from.
Good luck ♥️
1st kiss november… engaged in april 💀
First get to know the person be4 commitment we say in western EU. At least 3 times through all seasons.
I’d dump his ass tho
Consider couples counseling before the ultimatum is that he must go to anger management alone. He’ll probably be more amenable to seeing someone if it is seeing someone with someone else.
Ok I’m glad you realized your worth. But I’m not sugar coding your behavior. You baby him. You work 3 jobs yo pay the bills. You became his mother. That your 4th job.
So I suggest you take time apart yes separation. Why because of his verbal and emotional bad behavior. I don’t know if it qualifies for abuse but you do
Yeah take time off.
Good for you about taking the passive agressive/silent treatment crap in stride! When hes ready to communicate, don’t gloss over what he did and how it made you feel. You did nothing wrong! Im glad that you haven’t given up your agency after having survived a similar upbringing.
OP, I think you should not think of it, and esp not state it, as an ultimatum. This is simply you establishing your boundaries. Due to past trauma, you had neglected yourself and your boundaries, responding to outside stimuli (his rage) on muscle memory from your childhood.
You are caring for yourself and your marriege by creating a path that you can accept, a path that includes mutual respect and self reflection that comes from learning the whats and the whys both of you behave as you do. Hence the role of therapy as you recognize the unhealthy circle that your young family is going round and round in.
Good Luck!
UpdateMe!
I share similar timeline as you did, except that we did not get married.
We broke up because I found out that he has every trait my father has, which was my greatest nightmare and something I been swearing to avoid for the well being of myself and my future children (I didn’t want to lead the kind of marriage my mum had, and I didn’t want my children to grow up in the kind of family I grew up).
We cannot change anyone but can only accept them. It’s better to choose wisely before working hard on making things work.
I would definitely leave if I were you.
The initial part of being nice to you was just a process called love-bombing. It’s now when you are witnessing his true colours.
Seems like something is off , and not only “rage issues”. I’ve been in some shitty places your husband is going to find out because of neglecting small things such as sleep. I had no idea how much sleep affected my mood, maybe his work isn’t fulfilling, or something else might be happening.
I think you need to talk to him and see if he thinks this is the right way to act/be in general. Usually he will say no after some thinking and he might get some help, your being supportive is always a plus for those situations.
In conclusion yes give him some kind of ultimatum, he will hopefully choose you over being enraged all day.
Set boundaries. Boundaries is how you teach people how to love you. Tell him to start acting like an adult and use his words and put them into action.
Grown men with responsibilities don’t quit working without something else lined up;
That’s what Losers do.
So he’s an unemployed gamer with anger management issues? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Whatever he was crushing on is over.
Tell him he needs to get his ass to a temp agency tomorrow. Expect to get screamed at.
Sounds like you already know what you have to do. Pull the trigger on the ultimatum.
You sound so emotionally mature and healthy. I really hope everything works out for you. Cheering for you! I was once in the same situation to be honest. It didn’t really end well but we’re still friends now.
Anger management will help , but you also need couples counseling.
He is low and maybe he has fallen into childhood home patterns as a result. You also are blind to a lot …feeling a need to walk on eggshells and that not registering for a long time. Was it good before he was laid off
Seems you jumped into a relationship with him pretty quickly after the last one. You sure you were perceptive of incompatibilities then?
In general, I see some significant concerns.
In this specific situation, I am really confused. It sounds like you came home to him doing a useful task around the house, and reacted quite oddly. Do you have a problem with men experimenting in the kitchen?
You can’t save him. There’s being supportive then there is enabling. You need to very firm to your boundaries. You will get what you tolerate.
A loving partner reflects their partner back to them. You should protect your self and let him know the behavior is unacceptable the next time he does x, you will do y. It sounds like he already knows it hurts you but you need to make sure there are consequences.