My girlfiend and I (both 27) have been together for almost 4 years, we live together, I have become very close to her family, she is my best friend, I love her more then I have ever loved anyone and I think I have to break up with her.
I want kids and she doesn’t. I have known this since the beginning, but I fell so madly in love with her that I thought maybe I could change or she could change but 4 years later she wants kids less and I want them more.
We recently started looking for a house together and my gut just started screaming that this wasn’t a good idea. I feel like I know what I have to do but I still love her so much. I also feel like absolute scum for having us both commit so much of our lives to each other just to tear it all down in one day.
Is there somthing I’m missing? Maybe a different way out of this? I don’t want to lose my best friend.
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Have you actively talked about your feelings with her? I don’t mean, “I’m thinking of breaking up.” I mean, “I want to talk about our future.”
I’m sorry this is a very difficult situation.
And with respect, you shouldn’t have wasted four years of her life either. She was very clear about what she wanted, and you went into it thinking you could change her, that wasn’t fair of you.
But now you need to tell her that kids are important to you and you need to let her move on as well as you. She deserves someone who loves her for who she is and wants the same things. You deserve that as well. But neither of you can give the other what they really want and so the relationship must come to an end.
Good luck
Try talking to her about how you feel if she is your best friend you can talk to her about anything. Don’t say you want to break up just talk about how you feel about having kids even more and things that are bothering you, also mention how much you love her.
You could try talking it out. Explain your feelings. Tell her you’re not sure what your future looks like without kids and ask how committed she is to the idea of not having any. Is she just not ready now, or is she really not interested in never having kids.
maybe what is best with all the context you’ve given so far is to introduce a series of stages to a breakup, starting with a more open relationship, moving on to a break, moving on to finding separate spaces.. this timeline can be as long as you need it to be, as long as both of you know the main reason for it is that you’re diametrically opposed to having kids rather than that you lack i’ve for each other and are “quitting” that
I spent 6 years with someone that I was on a different page with in many many ways. Because I loved her. I finally broke up with her last year–after being a year into a fertility treatment program. She wanted kids, I didn’t. But I just kept trying to make her happy because I loved her. Unfortunately, that’s not enough. Breaking up with her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I do love her still. But my life and new relationship is 100x better for having done it. I only hope the same has happened or will happen for her.
It sucks, and it hurts, but make the change you need to, before bigger mistakes happen and resentment sets in.
This is heartbreaking, but you’re not a bad person for realizing your futures don’t align. Love alone isn’t always enough especially when something as major as having kids is involved. It’s better to face this now than after buying a house or resenting each other down the line. It sucks, but choosing long-term honesty over short-term comfort is love too.
This is a very difficult situation. You have to be on the same page about having or not having children. It is worth one last shot to speak with her and tell her your feelings, that you love her beyond measure but that your desire to be a dad hasn’t diminished with time, even though you thought it might. Ask her if having children is a dealbreaker for her and if she remains firmly committed to not having them, I’m afraid you both are truly not fundamentally compatible. I’m sure she doesn’t want you to live with regrets and neither do you. Good luck with your talk, I hope you both find some clarity. Don’t ever give up your dreams for someone. You will in time regret it and blame them. That’s no foundation upon which to build a relationship.
Honestly, kinda going through the same thing right now where my gut Is telling me to just get it over with, but I’m wanting to chat it out and talk about it to see if we can either maybe “fix” me or if we must move on
My girlie bestie is exactly like this and didn’t want kids. Her bf at the time knew this from the start but always hoped she’d change her mind but of course she didn’t. They’ve since moved on with different partners giving them exactly what they want.
Don’t keep your girlfriend from her HUSBAND. The man who will align with her wants and needs. That isn’t you.
It’s really bad that you waited 4 years for this really serious question.But I think that if you are both sure about your options you should break up for the best of you and her
Went through the same here after a year and a half, except it was political differences that I ignored because I was comfortable. We talked about it, realized we would never come to an agreement, and ended things. We were both very sad and still cared for each other a lot, but realized it would never work long term. Major issues like this usually end with one person in the relationship giving in to the other, and ending up very, very unhappy. Glad I got out, because I met someone who I’m compatible with on the major life conversations.
Move on.
I mean, Im bummed for you but I’m also mad at you on her behalf. It is incredibly selfish to not believe someone’s stance on something as big as children, and to believe that their stance is susceptible to your influence.
This is a prime example of why you dont date with such opposing life goals, and you definitely shouldnt date thinking you can change their mind on non-negotiable life goals.
Break up now. Do not buy a house. Having kids is so fulfilling I love it, but it’s also incredibly hard and no one should EVER DO IT unless they desperately want to. There’s no middle ground or convincing here.
It sounds like you’re making the right decision. When me and my fiancé got together which was 12 1/2 years ago now and we’re getting married next summer neither of us wanted kids. As time past my feelings, started to change, but he did not. I accepted our child free life and honestly, I was really looking forward to it. Then more things changed and we both decided that we do in fact want at least one child. This is a rare exception and not the norm. If her feelings of desire to be child free are increasing, it’s very unlikely that they will ever change however, before you break up with her, you should talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling that you’re getting cold feet about the house because your life values don’t align
Run
I was with someone for 23 years and we argued about kids every year. She wanted them, I didn’t. We never got over it. I truly believe its one of the hard and fast deal breakers.
I agree with you. If you want kids and she doesn’t, that’s a deal breaker for you. I would tell her it’s a deal breaker and tell her you want her to give it some real thought and let you know she isn’t going to change her mind, and therefore the break up will be a mutual, amicable break up rather than a hostile resentful one.
This one is tough. If you move on, your feelings for her won’t fade away.
Leave
Bro I’m in the same boat, I want kids and my fiancé doesn’t…. At least that’s what it was for most of the relationship. Actually in the past few years I felt like I couldn’t bring a child into this world in good conscience. Fuck this world.
However ironically we are going to have to take in my 2 youngest nieces because my sister has some things she needs to work out. They are not my kids, but at least it’s a taste of what that would be like, plus they are past the baby phase. Life comes at you fast, I need to be prepared.
Not sure if your gf fears the childbirth part, has she told you why she doesn’t want kids? Have you considered adoption?
All that aside, follow your heart. This is the toughest thing you may have to do, but you have to be brave.
CHECK DMS
Bringing children into this disaster of a world is overrated.