Freshly made Throwaway. Just to vent.
I’ve been married for the past 3 years. My (28F) husband (27M) has been basically unemployed for 2 out of these 3 years. In the beginning it was ok. He would tend the house and search for new job offers. He still does. But it quickly turn into an “I’m looking but I’m also going out to drink and to the beach 4 days straight with my friends and get back home drunk at 2-3am” scenario. Meanwhile I’ve been working 11 to 13 shift’s on a biweekly basis. Many times they’re night shifts or 16hr shifts (I’m a nurse). Basically 96-100+ hours. Most of my money goes towards debt if I’m honest. Most of our debts were created because of his lack of help since I wasn’t a nurse till recently, so I har to make ends meet with Credit Cards. But, even though I’ve only been a nurse for a couple of months, I still worked as a caregiver for the same amount of hours with way less pay for almost 2 years.
Anyway, sorry, I haven’t been sleeping well so can’t seem to concentrate on what I’m writing. Can’t even concentrate on reading, which I used to love.
I feel like I’m losing myself, I tell him, but he always changes the scenario and finds a way on getting angry with me. Like if he didn’t understand me.
I think I’m resenting him. Sometimes he sends pictures of the hiking trails or the beach asking if we could go together soon. But with what time? I can’t stop working. So close to (few months) paying most of the debts off.
Sometimes just wanna disappear. I dunno. I feel like I’ve lost so much of myself.
Comments
You already know what you need to do. You’re not wrong, you’re not crazy, you don’t deserve this. So do what you know you need to do.
He is using you. I’m sorry. That’s so sad
2yrs is a long time being unemployed. I was unemployed for 3-5months and I thought that was too long.
Can you imagine all the extra money and stress free life you would have if you separated from him?
What exactly is he contributing or doing to improve your quality of life
If he wants a job, looking for one should be his full-time job. No more hiking, drinking or beach days. Lay down the law, and if he’s not willing to become a responsible adult and make some huge changes, it may be time to consider divorce.
Give him a deadline to find a steady job. If not you’re leaving gum. At this point he’s more like a leech roommate than a partner.
Yes you do resent him and rightfully so. Stand up for you!!
Oh hun, this man is totally using you. You are exhausted and it’s difficult. He is like a man child, he doesn’t want to work. Why would he, he is out having fun and drinking. Please take care of you, don’t live this way. I’m so sorry.
You have a child in the house that you’re taking care of. Time to let them go and live their own life.
Take away his access to any of your money and kick his ass to the curb! I sure hope you don’t have any kids with him.
What exactly is he bringing to the relationship? Other than debt? You are working your ass off while he plays on the sun and sand on your dime. What incentive is there for him to get a job when you are paying for everything and he has to do nothing but have fun?
Remove him from your bank account. Take away his debit card and credit cards. Get him to remove you as an authorized user on all of his own credit cards. Separate your finances completely and don’t give him a penny. He’s got a set of brass balls to be sending you pictures of his fun outings while you’re literally at work more than half of the day to earn all the money he is spending.
Two years without a job is not a matter of circumstances. It is a choice at this point. He is using you to finance his cushy lifestyle and you are likely too fucking exhausted to even realize how badly you’re being taken advantage of. You wouldn’t have to work so damn hard if it was just you. You need to dump his mooching ass and find a PARTNER in life. Someone who is willing to put in the work so that you can BOTH have good times. Instead, he is willing to watch you work your ass off while he does nothing to better your lives.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand you — it’s that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want to seem wrong. He’s too comfortable the way things are, he’s managed to make connections, relax, go out with friends, and he’s going to keep doing it because he knows there won’t be any consequences and you won’t do anything besides occasionally bringing it up. No offense, but I don’t understand why you’re married to a man who doesn’t add anything to your life — and he’s probably cheated on you several times during those trips.
Obviously, he’s taking advantage of you. You need to get out of this relationship to find peace.
Two options:
get a divorce
tell him to get a job. Starbucks or Costco are reasonable choices that pay fairly well for entry level positions. He can keep looking for something in his field but he needs to be earning a paycheck, period. Then start couples therapy. Because resentment doesn’t just disappear.
Sweetie, you married a loser and a bum. Either accept that he’s going to be dead weight your whole life, or lose him. You cannot tell me this asshole couldn’t have gotten a job at Whole Foods or Costco or something in the interim to pitch in while he interviewed for real jobs. He’s using you and he doesn’t care.
Say no to hobosexuals.
He has a GREAT life thanks to your sacrifice!!
I’ve been unemployed for a similar amount of time but I would expect my wife to have thrown me out long ago if I did even a fraction of this. If he’s not in school, learning the local language or something like… what is his end game? Does he have some kind of disability or chronic pain that can explain some of this? I regularly wake up feeling like the worst piece of shit in existence but I stopped fucking around when I had been unemployed for about 6 months and ran out of severance pay…. how many interviews has he landed? I mean…. you know what you gotta do….
Edit: in my case, chronic pain keeps me from holding any manual labour work and legal changes where I live has made it almost impossible to find work in my native language while I suck at studying the language of the land… please don’t tell me I’m a POS. I know.
You think he doesn’t see you running yourself ragged with work trying to keep the two of you afloat? That he doesn’t see how stress and exhausted you are? He sees ma’am and is very much aware. He just doesn’t care and he’s not willing to interrupt his life of leisure to contribute or help relieve you of the burden. This is who you’re married too. What are you going to do about it?
I can’t imagine watching someone you love suffer and work like this
So listen, I resent your husband for being a lazy AH and I kinda resent you too for putting up with it for so long. And I don’t even know you people.
Who convinced you that it was too much to want a better life for yourself that you will settle for this moocher?
He isn’t trying because he knows you won’t force him. At least talk to him and be perfectly clear about what you will and won’t put up with – and don’t let him emotionally blackmail you
How he pays for his trips without a job? If you are the one letting him spend your money….
Give him ultimatums and be ready to act on them— it’s time. He’s had years to figure it out. If he wont do anything and everything possible to right the ship, cut him off as soon as possible. Life is too short, and you’re at the beginning of the best years of your life. You’ve worked hard to get to this point and you shouldn’t squander it on someone who won’t recognize the gift he has in you. You can find someone that will love you AND do his part. Don’t settle for less. I’ve been there.
This sounds like he’s Just a stay at home loser while you work your ass off to make ends meet. Jesus christ, I hear these stories and think wow, im single and work my ass off and women put up with this shit? LOL the bar is so low ima trip over it and bust my shit
He needs to be single and buy his own booze. Stop propping him up in life and take care of yourself; because he sure isn’t. Leave.
He doesn’t want to be employed. He could’ve found something to help take the pressure off you but he’s having too much fun. It’s time to have a frank discussion with him. He’s a leech and an AH sucking you dry. He needs to get a job…any job ASAP. He can shelve his ego and take whatever he finds. This situation is a dealbreaker. It will destroy you if you keep this up and it’s obvious he doesn’t care. If he did he’d be spending every day looking for a job. When you don’t have a job the search for one IS your job. That’s how you get a new one. Either he quits “playing” and goes to work or he can get out.
I’m an RN. It’s a high pressure high stress job but you know that. You know he could’ve found a job if he wanted. Might not be “the” job but it would bring in money. He just doesn’t want to work. You’re already exhausted and stressed and you’ve only been a nurse for 2 months. Don’t let this jerk do that to you. Make no mistake your husband is THE jerk in this!