I was writing in my journal tonight and I was reflecting. I definitely have some bad habits. In November I was seeing a guy for a month. He definitely had some red flags I ignored. The first date he told me that he wants his children to be homeschooled because he doesn’t want them to be indoctrinated. Before our second date, I found out he followed the Tate brothers. I asked him why and he said “he liked their aesthetic”. I stupidly believed him. He also kept telling me one minute how he wanted commitment and he didn’t. Another guy ended up asking me out and I ended up telling him honestly to make him jealous. He got annoyed and said he wasn’t seeing anyone and didn’t want to rush things.
I told him how I wanted to be exclusive(I definitely was dumb for wanting that with him). We went out on one date after that and he didn’t schedule another date. During that date he ends up saying to me I have to pay for the next day and in a nasty tone said to me “ I probably won’t anyway”. This is the same man who wanted to be a “traditional man”. So another guy from our same class asked me out and I said yes. We all shared a class together and I flirted with him in front of him to make him jealous. He texted me that day to end things and I basically told him cool and that he honestly deceived me by telling me he only like the Tate brothers aesthetic and fashion. Because during our courtship he sent me an article saying they’re innocent of sex crimes and said I was wrong bc of my sources.
In between this I had a FWB that I would see off and on. Starting from February we started sleeping together again and we developed feelings and he told me he did. But he said we can’t be together because he overstayed his visa and he doesn’t want to hurt me bc he won’t be here for long. That weekend I ended up sleeping with my ex honestly to get revenge or make him jealous. I’m pretty sure that ex gave me ringworms that I have bc it was suspicious that his room was dark no lights. I told my FWB how I slept with my ex and he started asking me if he was better. Those questions made me feel good. I made a therapy appointment today because I realized my behaviors aren’t okay and if I head down this path I’m going to get myself hurt or taken advantage of.