Hey everyone. My head is absolutely spinning and I have no idea what to do. I’ll also be using fake names and fake places.
In September 2024 I (23F) started dating Paul (30M). Paul and I got a long great and we had so much fun. We had already known each other for about a year since we frequented the same bar “Tuckers”. We talked very seriously for about a month and a half before we started dating.
About two months in I saw a Facebook post of their wedding from around 3 years earlier. I obviously confronted him. He explained that yes he was still married but that they were separated and getting a divorce. He explained that she wanted to open their relationship and then she fell in love with someone else. He broke up with her but at the time they lived in their shared home where she shared a room with her new boyfriend. I did confirm these things with some of the other patrons and friends from Tuckers.
I was obviously still uncomfortable with this new information so I offered that he has me over to his house very soon so I could see his space and confirm that he had the situation he said he did.
Also important info, he did already disclose that his sister and her husband were staying in the same house.
About a week passed and he said he couldn’t do it because it would cause so much chaos in the house that it would be “unbearable” for him to be home. It was a crappy situation but I did break up with him. We ended on good terms and just in the understanding that it didn’t work out.
Since the break up we would still hangout occasionally (maybe one night every two weeks if not less frequent). During these hangout sessions we would go get drinks, hangout with friends, and one time we saw a movie. All the while almost every time we hung out he would at some point in the night profess his love for me and his regret for not making it work.
Fast forward to the other night. We are hanging out at a different bar than usual, having a fun time, drinking, playing games, ect. Also important info, we haven’t done anything spicy since we broke up.
On our way back to drop me off I ask if he could stop so I could get McDonalds. While in the drive through next to the pickup window, a car comes flying around the bend and stops in front of us. I look into the car that’s blocking us in and see his wife! I asked while sitting in the drive through “should I leave??” And he said no. I then asked “are you like still very thoroughly married of something??” And he again said no. When we pulled out and parked she parked right next to us i asked again “are you sure I don’t need to leave?” That’s when he said “I think you should go”. I started to grab my things and Sarah (wife) started asking me questions like “How do you know each other? Who are you? How long have you known him? Where did you meet?”
I started to get obviously very uncomfortable and only responded with “I’m Lilly. We’re friends. But I am not sure if this is a conversation for me to be around for so I’m just going to go.” As I’m walking away I call for a different ride and I hear her yell at him “What so you take off your ring now? You don’t wear it when you’re away from me or something??”.
I had never seen him with a ring on. I confirmed with friends and his sister about his situation and everyone agreed that is what had been going on. Now I’m just confused and worried. I honestly had just believed him.
Do I reach out to her? What happens if she reaches out to me? Or what if he does?? Please help.
Comments
It sounds like they could still be separated, when you say you confirmed with his sister what exactly did she confirm?
He lied, kept you in the dark, and put you in that situation, cut him off completely. If she reaches out, just be honest and protect your peace.
Been there done that. My ex wife and I were separated but still married I lived in my rental house and she stayed in the other house. She filed the paperwork all legit. Started seeing car parked at my house mind you months after she filed divorced and she was actively see other people bc she was cheating to begin with and would try and barge into my house and see who it was. Compete crazy she was sleeping with other people and still was crazy. I ended up marrying the person whose car was at my house and was forever grateful she stayed with me and didn’t give up on me. Still happily married with my second wife and two kids later moral of the story if you stay he will never forget you and be 100% loyal
You should talk to the wife openly so that you don’t get blindsided by your ex anymore. It looks like your ex has been lying to you.
Seems like he lied to you. Do you really want a friend who keeps you in the dark with something like this, which ends up putting you in bad situations? Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it. If I were you I’d definitely keep my distance from now on. And if she reaches out to you, just tell her the truth. Their marriage issues are not your problem
Wonder if the confirmation was “it’s a bad situation”. The sister didn’t like her and was ok w him doing whatever. But likely they were still married and didn’t even know this was happening.
If he was separated, he should have told you BEFORE you had a physical relationship with him.
If asked about your relationship, I’d be honest about when your relationship started and stopped. You could explain that he said he was separated. You aren’t under an obligation to speak to her at all, but honest is generally the best policy.
If he calls, I would block. Unless you want to have a relationship with someone you know you can’t trust.
I’d definitely reach out to her
He lied. Stay away from him. If she reaches out, tell her he lied.
What an asshole … He lied straight to your face. Def reach out to wife and explain EVERYTHING. You’re the innocent party here.
What disappoints me is that you didn’t try to confirm if he was lying or not. For now, the first thing you need to do is stop all communication with him and avoid seeing him. As for his wife, don’t do anything unless she contacts you first. If she does, just be honest, explain what really happened, and assure her that you won’t reach out to or meet her husband again
I would absolutely find a way to talk to the wife. But do it in a way that you stay safe. (Public place, call her, write her an email)
He’s a big fat liar. Block him and stay away.
It happened to me twice. The first time was a very similar situation like yours. His girlfriend came to his apartment while I was there and started pounding on the door yelling for him to come out. We were both quiet and didn’t move a muscle, I asked him who she was and he said that was his crazy ex. I was so stupid and young, that we sat there until she left and I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I spent the night. The correct thing for me to do in that situation would have been to open the door and have a conversation with her. Anyway I found out later that he was cheating on somebody.
Second time we have been dating for a couple months. There was always some excuse of why we could only see each other in certain days or hours and never weekends. At some point you told me that his family was in from out of town and so he needed weekends to be with them. So finally when they left I started asking for weekends together and he finally confessed.
When you met the woman you thought to be his wife, you choked just like I did in my first example. I get it it’s a weird spot to be in with a lot of emotions. However if that happens again, you should talk to the woman. Tell her you’re the truth, I had no idea he was married, I’m so sorry, and then I would tell her everything, walk away and block them.
What do you know about a liar? That they lie. You know nothing else. Make like Halloween and be a ghost.
Well obviously you’re a ho. Like you didn’t spot the signs or do your research that most girls do? Shame on you.
Every explanation I can think of, from the one he gave to the one you suspect, from the most generous to the least, is a scene you don’t want to be a part of. Don’t talk to her; Don’t talk to him.
You didn’t do anything wrong, he did. Not your problem.
Girl, leave him in your rearview mirror and don’t communicate with him, his wife, or any of his people.
She is jealous that he has found someone else and doesn’t want him to be happy and move on. It’s pretty self-explanatory. Don’t reach out to her, she will feed you lies, just be understanding and supportive of him and if needed stick up for him in front of her. You’re not the mistress here
So the other bar regulars covered for him and so did his sister.
And he’s been a barfly in his 30s while married, without his wife with him, all this time.
Ugh, sorry girl. You’re too young for this crap. Block him and don’t talk to her if she reaches out.
I’m also very glad I don’t drink anymore
Just stay away from that mess and try to hangout at new places. He used you and you deserve better than McDonald’s
Should have probably not scooted off silently and asked him wtf with her otherwise it looks like you knew.
He lied. You had already broken-up. Have your burger and chill; move-on and find someone available.
I wouldn’t suggest going to a bar to meet people. This is the kind of person you end up meeting.
Girl I’ve been here before. Dated a fella who kept talking about his crazy ex wife and how he needed a place to stay after his divorce and was tired of sleeping on his friends couch (we had “dated” a year or so prior to this and then he ghosted me and got married) (also, side note: I was 21 at the time and he was 30-31, I can’t remember…young and naive I was) anyway he had 5 kids. After reconnecting while he was couch surfing I agreed to let him move in with me. He moved in all his things plus his kids things. One night we went out and he went to pay for the bill but his card declined. He had said his crazy ex drained every penny from their account. Fast forward to me getting sick of him not helping with rent or even coming home. He would be gone for days claiming he was working overtime and pulling doubles (he was a prison guard) one random day I get a call from his crazy ex who had explained she is not an ex. She was his still very current wife. I asked to meet up with her and so we did. I brought every prized possession and expensive belongings he had and gave them to her to pawn. It was lovely. Anyway…long story short. When you find yourself as an unintentional mistress…link with the wife and pawn his shit. Transparency is key and if she’s a genuine person she will listen intentionally and talk to you. I say go for his throat. You should call her.
Girl, he lied and asked others to lie too. His sister and friends probably don’t like her so they didn’t care what he was doing. I’m sorry but if someone if “separated” but still married leave it be. It’s too messy even if it’s true.
Block him. Don’t see him, don’t speak to him, don’t entertain any contact ever again. Find a new place to hang out, and if you have mutual friends, consider going low or even no contact for your own peace of mind.
If you still have access to his social accounts and want closure, (or a little justice), you can reach out to his wife, if she isn’t already planning to do the same. Share your side of the story. If she’s open-minded, she’ll hear you out. And if you were unknowingly the “other woman”, she may even ask you to provide evidence or testify if things escalate legally.
If you choose to help her, give her everything: texts, emails, screenshots, anything proves you were deceived. It’s the right thing to do, and honestly, it’s a form of closure and quiet revenge for what he put you and her through. You weren’t the only one wronged here, she was too.
This is not your fault. It’s not her fault either. It’s his, 100%. Remember that. Do what you need to move on and hold your head high.