This happened a few days ago while I (20F) was on a school trip abroad. I’m from the U.S., and this is my first time out of the country and my first time really using public transportation like subways.
We were on a very crowded train, our group of 20 students and 2 professors was split across a few cars. I was standing right by the door, facing outward. A classmate was in front of me, facing me. One of the professors was behind him, facing into the center of the car. To my left was a man I didn’t know, standing very close, facing inward.
At one point, I felt a brush against my rear. At first I thought it was just the crowd, but it kept happening. I tried nudging the arm away with my elbow, but it came back. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t even sure it was intentional, but I felt uncomfortable and frozen. After a few seconds, the professor behind us said something in Italian (which I don’t speak), short, maybe three or four words, and the hand stopped. The man got off at the next stop.
After that, the professor positioned himself closer behind me. When we got to our destination and walked back to our residence, I was the last to enter the building. He held the door and asked quietly, “Are you okay?” I said I was. That’s the only time it’s been acknowledged.
The next morning, before heading out, the other professor gave an announcement to the group about staying aware on the metro. He mentioned pickpocketing and said something like, “Don’t just stand there. Speak up.” I know they likely didn’t want to openly say what happened, but the wording made me feel blamed somehow, even though I was frozen and unsure.
Since then, no one has followed up. We’ve continued using the subway daily, and I’ve been extremely anxious. I’m very reserved and socially anxious by nature, so I haven’t spoken up or asked questions. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m not even fully sure what happened. I doubt myself, and the lack of clarity is getting to me. I think knowing what my professor saw or what he said to the man would help me feel more grounded. But I don’t want to make it awkward or put him in an uncomfortable position.
Are professors mandated to report something like this even if it happened abroad? Is it wrong or unprofessional to ask what he saw? Would that conversation be inappropriate?
I know it wasn’t a long incident, just a few seconds, but I feel shaken and unsure. I could really use some perspective.
TL;DR:
I think I was inappropriately touched on a packed subway abroad. My professor stepped in and said something to the man, but nothing has been acknowledged since. I feel frozen in self-doubt and would like to ask what he saw or said, but I’m afraid it would be uncomfortable or inappropriate. Looking for support or perspective.
Comments
Look I wasn’t there and I’m not you, so I have no idea if it was a groping or pickpocketing attempt.
That said, pickpocketing is a super common situation in crowded places full of travelers and tourists. Regardless of what it was, I think it’s smart of the professor to frame his call to action about situational awareness and speaking up around pickpocketing so it’d be applicable to all students regardless of gender; it encourages all members of the group to be on the lookout for each other.
Could he have phrase it better without the words “don’t just stand there?” Yes. Could men be groped? Also yes, but they’re never really going to be on the lookout for that the way we are.
It sounds like you just need to process the situation. There’s nothing really for him to report, but I don’t think it’d be unprofessional or wrong to ask the professor more about the incident if you think it’ll help you process. I’m sorry this happened to you and it’s normal to be shaken.
The conversation wouldn’t be inappropriate, but he followed up after the incident, asking you if you were okay, and you said yes. He probably shared this with the other professors, but he probably thought you were just fine, so nothing else was done.
The “speak up” comment was definitely necessary.
I think the professors are not blaming you, they are encouraging you and others to speak up about “anything” that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Unfortunately groping is very common in crowd places, the moment you feel it, the moment you should say or do something, specially if there is a person that could protect you.
Sounds like you were groped, and you need some support to deal with this.
Thank you for having the courage to post here, please also inform your school, perhaps via your parents or a counsellor.
I hope that the school will take this extremely seriously, and they should have psychological support in place, which you should make use of. The very purpose is to help sort out the thoughts in our head about such an event.
You will find people minimise this, partly because it’s common, partly because there is no obvious harm, and partly because they know not a lot can be done.
BUT. It is important and a big deal for you. When my daughter has an issue with school, I do call and write emails and get attention to the systemic problem which resulted in harm to my daughter.
Please don’t let anyone minimise this for you, it’s a big deal and you should have a social worker / psychologist or someone like that help you process your thoughts and feelings.
If you need closure to ease your anxiety and take some control back, then I encourage you to ask your professor about the situation. The man may have been a pickpocket (very common) or a harasser. When you speak to your professor, let them know you replied you were OK because you weren’t physically harmed and were still processing what happened but are still thinking about it and would like some clarity on what happened. Ask them what they thought the man was up to and what they said to him. More than likely, they made the man aware his behavior was being noticed which is why he stopped. Based on what they tell you, you can determine how you feel and your next steps.
Speak up is a nessasary comment. You’re 20 years old. You’re not a child, you’re an adult. If you feel like it needs to be addressed then talk to somebody. But what exactly do you expect them to do? He helped you in the moment, he checked in on you. You said you were okay.
They have also addressed the group to make sure that everybody knows to keep an eye out for that sort of thing and to speak up for themselves.
If you’re hurt or stressed out talk to some girlfriends. If you wish there was another way the school addressed it talk to one of the professors. But nobody can magically know what you are thinking, or what you are feeling. If you need assistance you need to ask for it.
What do you want them to do? It sucks for you but you need to take a breath and move on. These things happen all the time unfortunately, we don’t live in Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. How much more of your trip are you going to let this ruin?
Professor seems to have handled it well honestly.
So, I understand how you feel, and it is normal and appropriate to feel violated. But there really isn’t much to be done. All the mandated reporting stuff has to do with protecting children (or vulnerable adults such as elderly or mentally disabled people) from being taken advantage of in ways that can become chronic and systematic – not to protect adults from the predation of other adults. Right now, that’s your job. This goes double when you are not in your home country. Guard your valuables, and if you feel a grope, it is largely for you to decide whether to say nothing, speak up to the perpetrator, move to be near a safer person, talk to the next police officer you see, or what.
It sucks, but this is part of life, and by and large, you do need to deal with it in the moment, and either move on or talk to someone on your own initiative if you need to process it. I’m sorry you’re had this experience. Some people really do suck.
You’re not to blame at all for that man’s actions. No real or official action is going to be taken against him. It’s not realistic to expect it. It’s also not realistic to expect people to dote on you for some asshole groping you on a subway. Especially when you were asked if you were okay and you replied that you were. You may be socially anxious, but you are still responsible for advocating for yourself.
Next time someone gropes you don’t just accept it. turn around, move away, do whatever it takes to make it stop. Bring attention to them and their actions, loudly.
Do ask the professor what was said and get yourself some closure.
I’m not sure I understand what you think should be done. A man was either trying to touch your butt or was seeing if you had a wallet. Your professor saw it and stopped him. Nothing else needs to be done. Your professor might not be sure what he was doing either. Maybe he doesn’t feel it need going over and over. Have you said to him you are feeling uncomfortable about it? Did you ask what he said? Bit asking is won’t help. We weren’t there. We don’t know what happened
If you are still experiencing anxiety around this situation, approach the professor and say something along the lines of, “when you asked before if I was ok, I may have been in shock, but I am not ok. I have had a lot of anxiety about the situation since.”
Your professors seem to want to look out for you. They may offer some good support or help direct you to finding it.
Regarding their actions in the moment: absolutely okay and totally professional.
Regarding your actions in the moment: absolutely okay and totally acceptable. When someone is a victim of sexual violence or other trauma, they cannot be held “responsible” for the violence. Freezing up is just as likely as running away or lashing out in anger. They are natural responses to having our autonomy and safety violated.
This has happened to me before. More than once. They did everything they could have done, which is good. Speaking up means to protect others like yourself who may not be able to say something.
Say to your professor that you are anxious using public transport since, ask him what he said to the man and if he can teach you the phrase.
While I think the professor handled it very well, I understand you need a little more to move on from it. IMO it is up to you to chase that closure. It’s not unprofessional to ask. I would say something like “I’m still feeling a bit shaken up by what that man did on the subway, what did you say to him? “. That’s probably enough to open the dialogue between you two. He will hopefully realise you just need a little chat about it and oblige.
Regarding what they said about “don’t just stand there”, the person who said that should have thought about their words first. I agree that was insensitive. Not everyone can understand that some people have a ‘freeze’ reaction when things like that happen. We aren’t all fight or flight folk. They meant well, just could have worded it better.
I’m very confused. This shouldn’t have happened to you and it can definitely be traumatizing, but I’m not seeing what you’re saying should be happening.
Your professor defended you, protected you, then checked in to ask if you were okay, and you said yes. Then they spoke out to the class to warn them of pickpocketing, which is a very real and very very common danger (and might have been what was happening). Now you want them to acknowledge something that you said didn’t bother you, and that you didn’t explain your problem with it follow up on?
If you feel like something worse happened than a pickpocketing attempt, you need to say so. If you feel alone and confused you need to say something to someone you trust. People are not going to read your mind and comfort you after you’ve said you’re fine.
I think you are directing your discomfort and feelings of violation towards the professor, instead of the man who touched you inappropriately.
He checked in on you. He opened up a general invitation for the group to be alert while traveling, meaning others will also look out for each other more. He didn’t make a big deal of it and followed your lead.
You aren’t 16 anymore. You can’t expect others to step in and advocate for what you need after reading your mind. You need to advocate for yourself.
So, what do you need right now?
You’re not safe. Learn how to get loud and angry quickly – this was the tutorial.
Luckily, you had someone there with your best interests in mind, But I get how that doesn’t make the situation good, and instead just avoids how it could have been worse.
As for the wording, I could get being really bitter about that. Unfortunately, not everyone is prepared for awful things to happen or having to address them. Throughout life, you’ll come to terms with how most people low-grade suck. This is a great example of someone who is high-key trying to be a good person, but low-key sucking.
If you want to (once the trip has ended and you aren’t stuck travelling together) you can let him know that you didn’t appreciate the way he’d said his announcement because it made you feel like you were responsible for getting molested and not knowing what to do. Odds go either way if he’ll be welcoming of the feedback or double down and make you feel shittier.
Either way, you seem upset and unsure what to do with this experience, and I think some visits with a counselor are in order. Again, your mileage may vary so don’t be surprised if you have to counselor-hop to find one that doesn’t victim blame.
When I started reading your post it immediately made me think you were likely in Italy. I have been there several times over the past 30 years and every time I go there someone attempts to grope me on the train or bus even though I’m now in my 50’s.
I think Italian men do things like that a lot. So sorry this happened to you. I found swatting at their hand and yelling don’t touch me gets them to go away even though they may not understand me.
Every time I go to Italy I hope the Italian men have evolved but am always disappointed.
You are an adult on public transportation. I’m not really sure how you want this to be dealt with or addressed. He intervened. He asked if you were okay. You said yes. They had a safety meeting to remind you all to pay attention, and suggested you speak up if you are uncomfortable.
They’ve done everything they can do. If you need something else, do what they literally told you to do in the meeting and speak up ?!
Go speak to your professor. Ask what you want to ask.
And just be aware that this behaviour is extremely common. If you aren’t comfortable speaking up for yourself pick a “buddy” who will and stick together.
Yeah, I was groped extensively on a bus in Italy as a high school senior. I froze, and either none of the 30+ kids, teachers, and chaperones saw anything or they didn’t do anything about it. I’m still mad about it, but there’s nothing anybody can do about it.
There are times when ignoring something like this is a legitimate survival strategy, but not when you’re surrounded by people who would be outraged. You didn’t know what was going on, so you couldn’t really do anything differently, but next time it’s worth investigating. It’s hard to fight the instinct to assume everything is okay, but it’s definitely worth doing.
Unfortunately, it is unlikely that this is the last time something like this will happen to you. As for this trip, it’s worthwhile to talk to other people, especially women, on this trip with you, tell them what happened, and ask that you all look out for each other. Italy is more blatantly misogynistic than many other Western European countries, so this stuff happens more often there. It happens everywhere else, though, too. You’ll have to be on guard for this stuff forever.
As for how to cope emotionally? Learn what you can from the experience, be grateful that it wasn’t worse and that someone cared enough to stick up for you, and try not to dwell on it. You did what you could in the moment.