I (24f) have been with my bf (27m) for close to 9 months now. In the beginning, everything felt like a dream and things were very passionate and romantic. Before we were officially a couple, I’d been doing a lot of work to improve myself (both mentally and physically) with great success, but after dating him for this long and adapting my lifestyle to meet him where he’s at, I’ve hit a major decline and just don’t feel like myself anymore, esspecially when I’m around him.
To be more specific, I was the type to be outside, hiking with friends, going to parties, karaoke every week and so on. I tried to be active and social as much as I could be, and I felt like my life was headed the direction I wanted it to. He, on the other hand, sleeps in till noon, maybe has a coffee or an energy drink, goes to work, comes home, eats one meal for the day, then stays up till 2am playing games or watching videos. Over time he seemed to stop wanting to or feeling motivated to take me out or do actual activities with me unless I directly bring it up. When I’m with him or spend the night, we almost never leave the house.
Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a very kind and sweet person (as far as I can tell) And I can tell he really loves me and enjoys spending time with me, but I can’t help but feel like I’m losing part of myself after conforming to his schedule.
Another big part of this is the goals we have in life. I eventually want to own a home, travel the world, and fill my life with experiences and stories to share and be proud of the things I’ve done. I also have my current job because of it’s flexibility and freedom to support my secondary career as an artist. My bf want’s a house (like most people our age braket) and kids… and that’s pretty much it. He says his dream career is to be a musician. I’m not opposed to kids, in fact I would love to have children, but with the right person, and with the right support. I’ve asked him before what kind of job he’d like to have and his response is always something vague like “one that pays better”. And when I asked him specifically what kind of career he’d have to support himself/fall back on while he works on his music, he always just “doesn’t know”.
I feel so frustrated because I know I truly love this man, and I’ve never felt more loved before. My only other relationships before this, I was the one to get broken up with (one of them cheated and broke up before I found out, and the other one admitted he wanted to “see other people” after I saw dating apps on his phone) so it feels strange to be on the side of the person losing romantic feelings. I’d like to still have him as a friend because we get along so well outside of our lifestyle choices, and being around him is fun and fulfilling, but I’m unsure if I could spend the rest of my life conforming to or just having to put up with his way of life, nevermind trying to raise a family with him.
Ideally I’d want to talk this out with him in person, maybe decide if it’s something we could work on and get back to later in life if we align more in the future (I really don’t see myself dating anyone else anytime soon), but I think I need time to reset myself and get back on track to the person I was becoming. Any advice on how to bring up this topic without making him feel like it’s his fault, or helping me articulate that we just aren’t headed the same way in life would be helpful. He has a gentle heart and I’d like to mitigate any pain this will inevitably cause us both.
TL;DR! I feel like my bf and I are heading in different directions, and I want to ask him to just be my friend. How do I bring this up without hurting him so much?