My husband (49m) and I (40f) have been together 13 years and married 10. Things have rapidly deteriorated in the last 7. I mentioned this to him a few weeks ago. Usually, if I try to talk to him about important stuff, he shuts down. This time he didn’t.
We purchased a house that I wanted, but he didn’t. What he wanted was not on the market nor in our price range. The day we started moving in, it was like a switch flipped. I wanted to talk about that. He said that he agreed to get the house bc he thought it would make me happy. He also said that he goes to work and makes money so that our lives can be improved and we can pay the bills. Legit. Then he tells me that his job stresses him out and he only does it for me. When he is stressed over his job he would come home and either not speak to me or explode on me. I also work. I have changed jobs 4 times since we have been together. 2 of the jobs I moved to the top really fast. The other 2 were 6 month contracts. I now work in a financial institution were it’s not as easy to move up quickly. I have a goal set and I’m sticking with it. My husband told me that I am stagnant where I am and I do nothing to improve my situation. He also said I don’t make enough money. I informed him of all the things I pay for and because he can’t see it in our main bank account, he looks at it like it doesn’t exist. I have given this man everything he has ever lost in his life before me. I think he deserves it. But it seems like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.
I went through a nasty mental break after we moved into our house that took me 23 months to move on from. I gained weight. I went on a fitness journey that irritated him. He would tell me that I look gaunt and let other people talk shit right in front me and him. There was zero support. Then I broke again and gained 80 lbs. He looked at me disgusted and it seemed like he was ashamed to be out with me. One day I had to get some dead birds out of our dryer vent outside. It was gross. I told him it made me not want to eat. He said good or finally, I can’t remember which. That hurt me just like it did when he would tell me how gaunt I looked. At this point is where I gave up on trying to make him happy or appealing to him.
We have a sexless marriage. The last orgasm during sex was 4 years ago. He didn’t contribute to it. The 3 times we have had sex since, has been horrible. No foreplay, no nothing. He just spits in his hand and gets it over with. I have given up on sex. It’s so bad I just take care of myself. I don’t mention sex at all anymore. It used to be a monthly cry session until 2 years ago.
I do love him. He adopted my son but does not engage with him unless he is doing something the “wrong” way. It’s fucking irritating. Dude is never happy and always seems to make himself the victim. I would rather not split until my son graduates in 2026 bc I don’t want him to say I was just using him for child support.
EDIT: He makes zero effort to touch, kiss, hug or hold hands. It’s what’s killing me now. It seems like the bare minimum.
What do you think? Am I being too hard on him? Am I missing something?
Comments
Are you working with a therapist? Would your husband be open to couple’s counseling?
I’m so sorry. It sounds so lonely. I would not want to be in a loveless marriage. Unless he gives you reason for hope or agrees to marriage counseling…..we’ll I’m not qualified to give advice. But you are young. Do what you need for your happiness.
Sounds like you ramble a lot. Probably doing him a favor with a divorce
Yes. You’re missing something. You’re missing an actual marriage and intimacy on all levels. 2026 isn’t far off. You’re young. Give yourself a chance to be happy.
You know what you need to do. He doesn’t seem to care about you at all, he only seems to care what other people think about you.
Sounds like you’re ready to leave him. You’ve got just over a year to get your ducks in a row and file for divorce next year.
Counseling.
The two of you are in a marriage doom loop and have been for some time. He feels unappreciated. You feel misunderstood. Get some help before trying to decide how soon to divorce.
It’s always worth one good try.
Why on earth are you with this man? You say you love him but I can’t see one reason why. He clearly has nothing but disdain for you – what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship? Talk to a divorce lawyer and get out now. You only get one life and yours sounds loveless and miserable – you deserve better.
I’m a firm believer in doing everything possible to try to make a marriage work, but this marriage is beyond finished. Just put a stake in it and move on.
The four saddest words in the English language: “But I love him!”
This reminds me of my first marriage. When I wanted to buy a house, he said “I don’t want that responsibility.” When I was divorcing him 7 years after we were so fortunate to have a house built, he said “You’re taking my house away from me.” We were both 40 years old. Various people had told him over the years to use his college degree to get a better job. I made 2.5 times more than him, but I had been fine with that. Talking to others made me understand my worth, no matter how much I weighed or how much he ignored me. We did not have children, so it was easy for me, but I think you need to show yourself and your son that your value as a loving human is a priority. Wishing you the best – I know its a very hard decision to leave.
I would rather not split until my son graduates in 2026 bc I don’t want him to say I was just using him for child support.
So instead you’ll stay with him so he can say you just held out for housing and food until your kid graduated?
I think your 2nd paragraph is the key here. This is a man who is miserable. Men see jobs as integral parts of life, and when a man hates his job he is miserable, which makes everyone around him miserable. If he’s hating life at work and comes home to a house he doesn’t like and sees the face of the wife who he feels (validly or not) pushed him into purchasing it…you can see how this is not a recipe for success.
I’m not excusing his poor behavior, or his rudeness towards you and your body. That isn’t acceptable, period.
All I’m saying is that that man needs some help or things are going to get worse.
Before you take any further steps, try this. Get him out of that house to someplace for just the two of you. Whether it’s a hotel for a weekend or a nice dinner spot…find someplace where he’s not dealing with work stress and not physically in or near the house that seems to be bothering him. Tell him you’ve noticed how stressed he is, and that you want to draw up some ideas (even crazy ones) that might make things better. Whether that’s another move, changing jobs, taking up alcohol and cigar-smoking, dressing up in animal costumes…treat any idea as potentially valid, stay as open minded as you can.
And from there, see if any of those things are realistic and/or doable, and make them happen. If you can get him to a place where he’s not plagued by misery, you’ll be able to gauge his reactions…which will inform you whether his unacceptable behavior was just stress-induced, or whether it runs deeper. And that’ll be the info you need to plot your future.
Wish you the absolute best…
No offense (and most of us have been there) but sounds like you’re in love with the idea of him but not him as a person.
Ugh. I feel this whole story.
It’s resentment. He resents you because of the house. He should have said no if he didn’t want that house. Instead, he said yes and choked on it. He said yes and then wasn’t able to handle his feelings or share them with you in a healthy way.
This happened to me and my husband. Only a little different. We bought the house he wanted and then he became lazy. He didn’t want to do any upkeep on the property. I would change out the garbage disposal and do the work on our well. I became resentful. He complained about the way I washed dishes. I told him that’s great. It’s your job now. He washed them and “accidentally” broke my favorite things.
I overstayed way too long. Im sorry, but I doubt your marriage will survive this.
Please don’t stay thinking it will get better. Unless he wants to join you in therapy, you should go on your own so you can plan for the next part of your life. I did. It was worth it. I was very happy alone for a few years and now I’m very happy in a relationship. Don’t follow the sunken fallacy theory, O.P.
This sounds terrible. I think you need counseling to find out why you tolerate being treated like this.
A marriage should be joyful and full of unconditional love.
What you are missing is that you get the respect you deserve when you stand up for yourself, whatever that looks like be it a turnaround in his behavior or not. The flags are flying all over with this man. I’m struggling to figure out why you love him. Because this is not a partnership that is working. Maybe start there. Figure out what makes you stay with someone who treats you and your son with such disrespect. Perhaps you settled for this one for whatever reasons, but again, you got to love yourself first.
So, as a child of parents who stayed together for the sake of their children, it screws them up more. Because children know, especially teens. And what he is witnessing is his mom struggling to love someone who doesn’t care. This is not the message you want to give your son. Be strong. A lifetime of seeing these abusive relationships go down, including my own have given me this perspective. I have to take care of me, for me. Call me jaded but I’d rather be alone than lonely with someone.
Ask yourself this: If you met this man on the street today, KNOWING WHAT YOU DO NOW, would you start dating him? If you had a time machine and could go back to when you first met him, would you tell your younger self to stay away from this man?
From what you’ve written, he does not love you, or even like you as a person. Honestly, it reads like you’ve created a checklist of “How To Be a Bad Husband.”
I think an ultimatum is in order here. If he refuses to go to marriage counseling, or he goes and doesn’t change, you need to divorce him.
You said that your marriage “rapidly deteriorated in the last 7” years. That’s most of your relationship. Just let that sink in
You are horrible. Let him go so he can find someone else.
Your husband is being a gd ANCHOR holding you down and you’re realizing it now. Get therapy for yourself and work toward either getting him into counseling too or consulting with a divorce attorney if he won’t go. Also encourage him to see a doctor – maybe he’s got low testosterone? In any case, life is short. Why be with a miserable son of a bitch who isn’t vibing with you anymore? Be free, be happy, and do what you can to get where you want to be, for you and your son. Love yourself first.
Is this the behavior of someone who even likes you, do you think?
Counseling where he goes willingly or gtfo
Loving someone is important, but it won’t make a relationship work. When the relationship isn’t healthy or functional, love just isn’t nearly enough. Divorce is very hard but so worthwhile. Don’t waste your life.
Why is 10 the magic number when people decide that they need to “find themselves”? I keep seeing 10.