My (29 F) husband (33 M) has been on a crazy weight loss journey since we had our daughter almost 2 years ago and I kinda hate him? We’ve been together 10-ish years and were the stereotypical young adults too stressed, busy and overall just “bad at managing our health” for the majority of that time. Weight was never a focus for me getting into this relationship. I was happy just to be loved and accepted and his arms used to feel like “home” whenever he’d scoop me up and hold me close.
It all started when I was recommended by my doctor to start weight loss in order to increase our chances of fertility about 2ish years ago. (Our kiddo is 19 months for anyone trying to do the math, I’m just rounding up) I started at 260lbs and worked myself down to 215lbs before we got our positive pregnancy test.
At this point, my husband was about 300lb if not 350. Again, he was loving and supportive, said he felt fine, and an adult who could feed himself whenever he wanted. I don’t cook for us, he does. His rule there. Also he’s insanely picky about what is considered “food” so it’s not like I was there forcing him to eat. He only really ever liked his mom’s cooking and has never been a fan of my leaner meats, veggies, or anything deamed “health food” or when things get boiled instead of fried/buttered.
So enter my surprise when he starts calorie counting and intermittent fasting out of the blue. Like obsessively. And it really became apparent while I was pregnant and gaining back all the lost weight like crazy.
He started near the higher 290-350 lb mark and these days is now almost down to 220lb. Idk if it’s all the lost sleep or stress of us both being new parents, but he’s a lot grumpier, meaner and just not my “home” anymore. I feel like he’s a stranger.
At first I encouraged him, because my mentality was always “idk babe, you look great to me anyway! But if you feel like you’ll feel better if you eat right and exercise more… Couldn’t hurt”
Now I feel like he’s turning into something worse, especially when he’s hangry and takes it out on me. I feel like damaged goods most days physically and emotionally and it’s like he’s gearing up to leave me and trade-up now that hes in this glow up phase.
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Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? It doesn’t sound like it’s about the weightloss but about how he’s treating you while on his journey.
it sounds like you’re grieving the version of him that felt safe and steady, and that’s real. it’s not just about the weight loss, it’s the way the dynamic shifted, how his glow up made you feel dimmer instead of seen. you deserve a partner who doesn’t just change physically but grows emotionally too, especially when you’re both in the thick of parenting and healing.
Have you spoken to him about it?
Its not that unusual for a new parent to embark on a weight loss journey. You look at your baby and think “I’d really love to be an active parent”, or “I really want to live long enough to see who you become as you grow up and you have kids of your own”, things like that. Suddenly your health isn’t just about you any more.
That said, whatever his reasons, he shouldn’t be treating you worse. Maybe he could back things off. Maybe he’s missing something from his diet. Heck, maybe its plain old depression or something that just coincides with the weightloss as against being part of it.
Have a conversation and see where he’s at.
This is really complicated and I think you both should considered marriage counseling. It’s not shameful, I think a couple that decided to go to counseling is very strong and it shows they both are ready to fight for love.
I am like your husband when it comes to being ocd and restrictive about food and I’m letting you know right now this isn’t just about being healthy and losing weight. Your husband is feeling a complete lack of control in his life and is over compensating by controlling the one thing he feels like he can – his body. I think this has to do with the new baby. I think you both need a mediator and some help as you redefine who you are in the relationship and in the world now that you are parents.
Men struggle the most (ofc women struggle more) but men struggle with a new baby because they realize they are no longer the baby in the relationship. That they are now second to the baby and not being babies by the wife/mother. Some men who are not as self aware can really act out at this time.
I hate to be that person because his behavior could be due to several reasons, but I think you have to consider everything…. Could there be someone else?
Is it possible that he is developing anorexia? My husband when he was a teen was anorexic and would get hangry like a mfer and counted calories to a scary degree (and had been measuring out his food, which was not a lot). He went from the 300s to 175 in nine months.. It took him looking at pictures of himself to see that he was going down a dark road. He is healthier now.
It’s something to look into. Having a kid can make you feel like you have no control sometimes and this might be his way. Definitely don’t tolerate any abuse if he is being rude, but I think a conversation needs to happen. And as another person suggested, couples therapy can be a saver.
Are you resenting him because of the way he lashes out at you when he’s hungry, or is it because looking at him losing weight makes you feel less comfortable in your skin, especially now that, as you’ve mentioned, you’ve gained back the weight you’ve lost?
Sometimes how we feel about ourselves influence how we feel about the other person. I think it’s important to dig deep and have that honest conversation with yourself before talking about it with the “offending” party. Your unhappiness (about him) could very well be tied to his behavior towards you, but through how you describe the issue, it might be touching on more deeply rooted issues.
Why the sudden motivation to lose weight? Sorry to put this out there but people often do that because they like somebody i know a few friends that did this out of nowhere starting to work out and exercise because they fell in love with other person,maybe im wrong but my intuition never failed me
This is common amongst long term or frequent dieters like bodybuilders.
Suggest to him he take a six month maintenance phase and see if his mood and personality improves. He can use it to work on gym PR’s and seeing if he can maintain his weight when not actively cutting. Super useful for when he actually gets done with all the weight loss he wants.
One of the biggest things that helped my relationship with my wife was understanding that hangry is a thing and that I’m more of a dick, apparently, when that happens. Personally, from the inside, it all feels basically the same and I feel like my responses are reasonable and don’t really change in that state but my wife definitely notices a difference. If you haven’t communicated how you’ve been feeling (you don’t say one way or the other) it’s entirely plausible that he has no idea he’s been treating you differently. Talk to him about it and routinely communicate when he’s hangry and acting different. Yes if he wants to continue this diet as is it will make things difficult, but it will also give him the opportunity to assess how he’s responding to a situation or you and adjust accordingly and with time hopefully you’ll fall into a groove where you’re on the same page again. It totally sounds savable at this point it’s just gonna require good communication and effort.
I didn’t notice my mood change until I got below 10% body fat, but I wasn’t that high to begin with; max a 15% move. I have no medical background, but it’s probably worth considering as a source.
As many people have already noted, you won’t know until you ask.