My husband and I welcomed a baby boy who’s going to be 6 months soon! Navigating life as a mum came naturally to me because I work in daycare but what I’m really struggling with is juggling married life and parent life. Ever since we’ve become parents, my husband and I have been fighting more than ever.
It’s been a mixture of differing parenting ideas, but also the fact that he’s gotten much busier with work. He used to get home at 6pm and helped me care for the baby for the bedtime routine. He’s supposed to work (from home) 6am to 2:30pm but works well into the night voluntarily, which leaves me being the sole carer of our baby. Our baby is pretty chill and all but it’s still tiring because I don’t get a break from being his carer apart from a shower.
There have been instances where he went out on the weekends for 8+ hours so not only did I not get a break, but he also skipped out of valuable time with our son. I brought up the fact that I just wanted a breather like a pedicure on Sunday and leaving baby in his care for an hour or two. He immediately blew everything out of proportion telling me if I want to “quit” then he’d leave our baby with his parents so I could go on a holiday for a breather. He even said “I’m working so I can afford to go out and pay for my meals and activities, you aren’t making money right now so you can’t”.
Another point of tension is our conflict styles. I like to discuss things and try to resolve things asap so it doesn’t leech into our day with our son. My husband on the otherhand, is very avoidant and get detached from his emotions. During these conflicts, he’s also very stubborn and becomes very childish. During times where he has done something to upset me I even say things like “I understand you didn’t mean to, and I should’ve done this so everything could’ve been avoided. I’m sorry for my part”. He always pushes it more on me. He insists that he doesn’t, but he always has to have to last say and it always has to be emphasised that I did something.
After a decade together, we had a fair few moments that tested us. His gaming addiction where he just couldn’t step away and I was basically a room mate to him, my mental health being really rocky and being emotionally explosive, etc. We worked through those things and we were in such a better place until we came parents.
For the most part, he’s an amazing man and a loving dad to our son, but the regular conflicts are starting to dig at me a lot. Why is it that everything is on his terms? He’s allowed to have me time but I’m not. Conflicts can only be resolved when he’s in the mood to resolve them. Why is it that I’m always made to feel like I’m the problem, when I feel like conflicts are a two way street?
I’m starting to resent him so much and I don’t regret having my baby boy because he’s the true love of my life. However, I sometimes wish that I could be free of my husband because it feels like I’m drowning and there’s no way out.
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Try couples therapy if you can. A professional throwing the truth in his face might wake him up and finally let him know how much he is hurting you and his family as a whole.
He’s being selfish & childish.
Sounds like a huge power dynamic where just because he’s working more and making more money he thinks he can do whatever he wants including putting your feelings aside. Also have you checked if this man isn’t cheating on you? He has similar traits that my dad had and it turned out he was cheating. Because working way past his usual time as volunteer sounds like bs lol unless he’s just a workaholic who gets exploited which is still not healthy considering he has a life as well as a husband and father outside of work. He really sounds like a child who complains when he doesn’t get what he wants and then gaslights you into thinking what he’s doing is justified. Sounds very toxic, try therapy but if he really doesn’t change then I guess divorce or staying is your only two real options
That’s really hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I experienced something similar when I had kids. My ex husband wanted kids so bad, we had them, then he found a way to just live at work. He was in the oil field and found a job where he was gone months at a time. Then when he was home, he wouldn’t help. I couldn’t take a nap, a shower, or have anytime to myself. It just completely wears you out as a mom. His argument was similar, that he was making money to support us and that was enough (even though I’m an engineer and monetarily contributed all the time).
I understand your resentment. I don’t have much advice for fixing the situation personally. My kids are 12 and 14 and I’ve been happily divorced for over 5 years now.
I think all you can do is take care of yourself and your son to the best of your ability. If he comes around, great! If not, just know that you are working incredibly hard and you deserve to be happy.
I think you need to try couples therapy. I personally suggest married couples atleast attempt to fix their relationship formally, especially if children are involved, before trying to call it quits.
Of course with all things considered. It does sound like there are A LOT of communication issues and difficulties compromising/understanding each other. But it also doesn’t sound like nothing that couldn’t be fixed if you both truly want to fix it.
You love him and thinks he’s amazing. You had a child with him, married him, built a life together and stuck by each other’s side for a decade. So at what point would you not consider taking that leap once more with your partner?
I try and get people to see things differently. He’s your husband, and you are his wife. Both in the eyes of the law and spirituality, you two are one unit. Through sickness and healthy, through the easy and the hard. Y’all aren’t dating. You both should see it as an obligation to try and make things work and fix it because you are not dating, you are married.
That’s my take. I really, and truly hope you can find a way out of this and hopefully your husband is onboard to actually fix things. I wish you both well
(Btw, this is NOT me pitching blame on you or anything at all. I’m simply addressing you as if you would take initiative in this situation because you are the one posting and I’m talking to you. If he was here posting, I’d say the exact same thing)
Having young kids is a tough time for many couples. It’s easy to slip into toxic relationship patterns, especially as others mention the power dynamic of him working outside the home and you home with the baby all the time. Ultimately, lack of mutual respect is often the dealbreaker, that is poison to a marriage. It sounds like your husband is utilizing some unhealthy coping mechanisms (disrespectful ones) in response to your request for more balance in your parenting schedules. It’s not at all unreasonable for you to ask for some time to go out alone. No matter what it’s for! All moms need that, and it’s even good for the baby to develop attachments to other family members. Counseling might be a good idea. It can help you learn that couples need “renegotiating points” at certain times in life. This is one of those times. If you do not talk about what you need with your partner, resentment WILL grow. And the relationship will suffer the consequences. Your husband needs a reality check. He can be the big man breadwinner, who ignores his wife’s needs. Which leads to divorced dad land. Or he can ask himself if he wants to be a true partner, who works at being a good husband and father as hard as he works at everything else in his life that he deems so damn important. *edited
It’s incredibly common for (shitty) men to abandon the home once the baby comes and things aren’t focused on him and his needs. This is not a new story. He’s likely cheating or looking to.
Toss that man in the trash. Imagine treating your wife this way when she’s at her most vulnerable? He’s a bad dude.
OP – I think everyone gave you great advice. His behavior isn’t okay and needs to adjust; but I just wanted to give you a sliver of hope.
My parents met in kindergarten. Dated from 14-college. Married at 21. Chose to be childfree for 19 years of marriage. Changed their mind (or had an accident) at 40. I was born when they were 40/41.
They both admit, they don’t even remember having a fight in all that time, until I was born.
It isn’t that the baby causes the fights. The baby means the imbalances and flaws that could be brushed off/ignored/side stepped without preventing your day to day, most or all of the time, are now a true barrier.
With a baby – the stakes are higher and the “you must do your part” is more black and white. You can’t compensate for the imbalances the same way.
My parents worked through it and are still married and happy at 79/78. 58 years this July.
Your husband sounds completely detached from your emotions and needs as a human being. It is literally insane that the only time you get a break from caring for the baby is to shower and sleep. He needs to recognize that you are a person who also needs caring for.
I’m very chilled by his comment about how he gets to have meals and activities out because he’s working and can afford them, but you don’t get to, because you are not working. Firstly, you absolutely are working. Being a full-time mom is very hard work. It’s just not PAID work. It is baffling that he doesn’t see the value in the work that you do. It is chilling that he thinks you don’t “deserve” to have nice things and an occasional meal out because you are not earning money at the moment. Plus, you’re supposed to be a partnership when you’re married. Why isn’t at least SOME of “his” money also your money? It is horrifyingly selfish and borderline psychotic. He appears to view you as a brood mare and drudge.
And just leaving for hours and hours at a time when he could help you is also just nuts, frankly. That tells me that he views you as the parent, but not himself. If the justification again is, “I work and need to relax” then – where’s YOUR weekend? Again, you’re working too. Quite a lot more than he is from the sound of it.
You need to be in this together, or you’re just going to be a parent to 2 kids…one of whom you are married to. He either needs to get with the program, or get out. I’m deeply troubled that he doesn’t seem to value you, or understand that you have needs. Your married partner should want the best for you, to feel happy and supported. The fact that he does not seem to care should be really alarming to you.
Couples therapy. Like yesterday. And if he doesn’t agree to it then you’re going to have to decide whether you can live with it or not.
I’m so sorry but you’ve been with a man baby this whole time, and missed all the red flags. 🚩
Go to therapy. If he is not cheating you might be able to salvage this BUT if not then just get a clean break
the way he’s talking has some undertones of financial abuse either currently or down the road. if he wanted a child and agreed to you being a stay at home parent, then his income belongs equally to both of you. childcare is expensive and you not working is saving you both a lot of money. that part is the biggest red flag. if he doesn’t change his attitude, that could become dangerous for you down the road
Doesn’t sound very amazing and loving if that’s what he’s bringing to the table in the relationship dynamic . I couldn’t imagine treating my partner like that when we had our child. I was there for her and stepped in as much as I could to give her the opportunity to rest or sleep .
Tell him if you not working is why he’s refusing to contribute to the kid that you’re going to go to work full time and he can figure out what to do with the kid, see if that changes his tune?
9/10 times I hear things and don’t see the financial abuse. This though, this is financial abuse.
I am sorry you are going through this. Just another example of how an adult who identifies as a “gamer” is a red flag. I hear the term “gamer” or I find out they spend significant time playing video games, I nope out fast.
Dang!
6 months?
You’ve been through a ton!
Please be charitable to yourself!
Wait, you don’t deserve time to yourself because you aren’t getting paid? I think you should make plans and only tell him on your way out. You deserve a break too
Do you have any family in the area that could help out?
Your husband seems to not care about what you need, and has even blown a simple ask into a ridiculous extreme. Who the heck gets “you might as well abandon our baby and go on a vacation” from “I would like to get a pedicure please”. That’s messed up.
This is personally me but I would also be falling out of love with my husband if I was ever in that situation. If there is an extreme version of couples therapy, I would be signing up for it. If he wouldn’t go? Ayo! Here are the divorce papers. I would be reaching out to every Mommy and me group possible. I would build up every resource available to me, so he can become as insignificant to me as I’ve become to him. Like heck would I allow my child to see me be treated like that by their father. Luckily, your offspring is a mere baby. So you’ve got some time before this behaviour starts to truly negatively impact your son.
Reach out to coworkers. Reach out to your family who you’re on good terms with. Search out what resources you have in your area. See if your library has any programs running. Build up a support system outside of your husband.
I’m wishing you and your son all the best. I really hope you can go and get that pedicure.
Im sorry hun to say this but I think deep down you know its true, if he was such a good dad then why is his response to watching the child for a few hours while you go out and decompress, that he can take them to his parents so you can have some time to yourself. It seems like he only wants to be a good dad when he doesn’t have to do alot of the necessary caretaking things and only enjoys the image that having a child gives him. Please rethink about what your own personal views on a “good dad” entails and act accordingly. If you are going to basically be a single caregiver to your child with a roommate then why not make adjustments to kick out the “roommate who can’t even “babysit” and who says he makes the money so he can do whatever he wants
WOW! Didn’t expect so much feedback and advice and I really appreciate all of it! 🥹🙏
Just wanted to add some more context that I initially left out because my post seemed long as it is HAHA
This was a post to vent out all the negativity that has been boiling over recently. But overall, he really is a good bloke. When we first met, I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and was suicidal due to lots of childhood trauma, and life changing events throughout my teenage years. He was literally the light that guided me out of it and gave me a reason to look forward to life. He supported me throughout all of it without me asking to, and without that I don’t think I would’ve overcome it. He helped me pursue my dreams and even stood up to people who were having a negative impact on my life. On top of that he never fails to make me laugh and he’s literally my besf friend. He actually used to do most of the chores until he had to work more. He is usually very kind in his own way and offers massages when I start to feel sore from taking care of pur bub.
The fight we had about the finances and me time was two months ago and since then he makes sure to tell me everyday that he appreciates me and everything I do for all of us. He doesn’t go out anymore and he even offers to take care of him on the weekend so I can go out and do things on my own to have my own space. The reason I had brought it up was because it was on the list of challenging things we had to work on as we adjusted to parenthood. He also reflected on how he reacted and admitted that he said things that were out of line because it was the heat of the moment.
I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but right now his work is actually swamped. It’s client based work, and with taking on new clients, it usually is a rough and intense start. Because of the workload, he’s able to work from home and steps away from it to have little 1 minute breaks with his son throughout the day. That’s all he can take because he’s the backbone of this project and it all falls apart if he’snot ontop of things. He has told me that it’s hectic now, but once they get things up and running it should quieten down and go back to normal. We were a really good team after the massive fight about finances and me time, but with his work being hectic ontop of parenting, it’s put a big strain on our relationship. He’s really overworked and exhausted by the end of the day, so caring for the baby falls onto me.
Yes, he is a gamer, but I am too. During COVID he used to game from morning to the break of dawn and the only “quality time” we had together was dinner. At the time he thought it was enough because technically, it’s time spent together even if we didn’t kiss or cuddle at all. But it was a breaking point for us and he admitted that it was a lot. He realises that he got too comfortable and was being neglectful, and he made sure to fill my love cup before gaming. He games after work with our friends to de-stress, and I also game when the baby is asleep. During the late night if we’re both gaming and our son stirs, he will help settle him so I can continue winding down with games.
And surprisingly enough, we have gone to couple therapy before we got married. At the time, the therapist actually told me that I had to respect his space because he gets detached. 🤯 But because of the feedback I got from her, it almost solidified that the ball is always in his court. 😅
I reconnected with my psychologist (not the same as the couples therapist) to help me through all of this, and if she suggests couples therapy again, I’ll definitely have a talk to my husband about it.
Generally we are happy and provide a loving household for our son despite the grievances I aired out. I felt overwhelmed from some friction last night and had to get things off my chest because he was detached and had to sleep it off which left me really worked up. 😅
Thanks again for all the comments. It gave me a lot of perspective and I’m definitely going to hold him accountable for things if it’s warranted.
This is very normal and common that early post partum. Theres even books to help relationships once a baby comes.
As for the conflict resolution style, youre like my husband. I cant take solving stuff right away. Please give me a break to gather myself and we will chat later. If he’s like me, just have a safe word indicating ull chat later
My god, woman, your husband is such a DICK!. He’s useless and horribly condescending to you. Yes, you will be better off without him. Get RID of his lazy smug as* and go stay with your parents till you can figure things out. It’s shocking to hear this is relatively common behavior for new fathers! So many men just don’t get it. At all! WHY?? I got so angry reading this.
It seems that you are a SAHM?
I think being a SAHM is a preveliage nowadays, considering the h myarsh global economy right now. It is difficult to hold a full time job, and that is a lot of pressure for a sole provider of a family
HOWEVER!
You are also working as a SAHM fulltime. Therefore, once your husband returns home from work, the childcare and chores should be split 50/50.
Your husband DON’T get to just play video game or relax after work. My wife is also a SAHM and I wish to just relax after work. However I CANNOT, because it’s bad for my kid and unfair to my wife.
I have lost all my social life and most of the gaming time after having a kid, but this is a price that you know you need to pay for having kid.
If he don’t know that, then he should have known it.
It sucks, but it’s truth.