I think im going to call off the engagement and move across the country because of my ptsd.

I’m 22 years old. I’ve never met my father. He went on to have a whole other family and forgot I existed. My mother is mentally ill and abused me my whole childhood. Withheld food and beds from me. Mentally tormented me. The only person I ever thought was safe was my grandma and she never was safe because she let me live in horrible conditions. Realizing that has been a lot.

My mother kicked me out a few weeks before my 18th birthday. My grandmother took me in and it was then that I realized where my mother got her behavior from.

I left her house when I turned 20 and I’ve been working my ass off 50 hours a week to barely pay the bills. Rent is expensive where I live. I have a decent paying job for somebody without a college degree

I got sexually assaulted by a teacher when I was 14. I ended up suing the school system and now I have $130,000. I just got it.
Sitting in my bank account while I stay in this town where I’m reminded of all the places I lived my worst horrors.

I want to pack my bags and go far away. I have nothing here to lose. I have one friend. My best friend who I’ll miss more than anything. And my fiancé. But he can’t understand why I have such a big urge to leave this place. I feel trapped. I mean he says he understands when I explain it. But he thinks I’m erratic for the urgency to leave. He can’t just up and root his life.

Even with this money I still feel destined to fail. I feel like it’s peanuts compared to the cost of life. I have so many doubts going through my head.

I want to go to New Orleans. I’ve been there many times a month at a time each. It feels like home to me.

Could I just leave to there and pay a year rent upfront so I can have time to worry about a job? I’d obviously try to find it asap. But lots of jobs don’t want to see somebody apply from across the country.

I just worry I’d be throwing my life away. I have a stable job now. One I have zero passion for. That drains me. But it’s not as bad. Every day I do the same thing. Work. Come home. Drink a few beers. Sleep. I feel like I’ve come so far but it’s nowhere I wanna be.

The loud sounds at my job put me in constant fight or flight. I wake up with night terrors where I freak out and don’t even know what I was dreaming about or that I was freaking out to begin with.

I just told my fiancé yes. I would feel like such an asshole leaving him. But I can’t wait two years for him to feel ready. But he has his own issues that I don’t know if im mentally strong enough to be apart of.

I’ve fantasized about this for my whole life. Leaving this place. New Orleans for years. Now it’s a possibility. I feel like I need to leave. But I don’t know what to do.