So I 26F have a little sister 24F who has been dating her boyfriend 25M since they were both 17. They were high school sweethearts who did long distance during college and all that. There were a few times my sister came to me thinking she might break up with her boyfriend. She always decided to stay with him.
I love my sister’s now ex-boyfriend like a brother. I mean he’s been a pretty major part of our life for 7 years and he’s always been kind, protective, and supportive with my sister. Aside from some mental health issues of his own, he’s been a great partner to her. Same with her. They’re best friends. Truly the same people, same humor, same hobbies and interests, same morals and values, etc.
My sister and her ex sat my partner and I down to chat a few days ago and told us they were broken up. My sister did ALL of the talking. I kept looking at her ex and he looked devastated but didn’t add much at all. My sister said that since he’s been her only partner she feels like she’s missed out on other opportunities to try other relationships. She is pansexual so she wants to try dating women and non binary folks. She kept saying that maybe her and her ex could find their way back to each other one day. That maybe she just needed to experience other people before she could settle down with him. They are going to continue living together in their shared apartment and they want to continue to hang out with my partner and I as a group of four. My sister says nothing really will change in their dynamic aside from stopping all romantic gestures and such. They will be roommates and friends, nothing more.
My problem with this is that her ex wasn’t saying anything. When I asked him he just affirmed they were happy with this decision. When my sister left to go to the bathroom I asked again and he said he didn’t really have a choice, my sister just told him they were done, no further conversation about it. He said he feels like he pushed her to do this because he’s been telling her for months to date a woman but while they were still together because he didn’t want to lose her. They had discussed getting engaged soon and what rings she liked many many times over the past two years. He said he felt blindsided but that who was he to stand in her way of exploring her sexuality.
I don’t like that they are going to continue to live together. I think my sister grieved this relationship and made this decision on her own over the past few months but it is fresh for him. He still wants to be with her. He’s holding onto hope she will come around soon and get back with him. I think she’s moved on for good. I don’t see how he will be able to get over her while they live together and continue to hang out with their friends like nothing has really changed. I think my sister needs to let him go. She needs to cut all ties and give him space for a few months. It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it too kind of thing. Like she’s stringing him along as a back up in case she doesn’t find whatever she is looking for.
I don’t know what to do. I’m torn because it’s not my relationship so I shouldn’t get involved but I also love and care for both of these people. So much. The ex is going to get more heartbroken I can just see it coming while my sister thrives. It makes me sick.
What would you do? What have you done if in a similar situation? Any advice for me, my sister, or her ex?
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: So I 26F have a little sister 24F who has been dating her boyfriend 25M since they were both 17. They were high school sweethearts who did long distance during college and all that. There were a few times my sister came to me thinking she might break up with her boyfriend. She always decided to stay with him.
I love my sister’s now ex-boyfriend like a brother. I mean he’s been a pretty major part of our life for 7 years and he’s always been kind, protective, and supportive with my sister. Aside from some mental health issues of his own, he’s been a great partner to her. Same with her. They’re best friends. Truly the same people, same humor, same hobbies and interests, same morals and values, etc.
My sister and her ex sat my partner and I down to chat a few days ago and told us they were broken up. My sister did ALL of the talking. I kept looking at her ex and he looked devastated but didn’t add much at all. My sister said that since he’s been her only partner she feels like she’s missed out on other opportunities to try other relationships. She is pansexual so she wants to try dating women and non binary folks. She kept saying that maybe her and her ex could find their way back to each other one day. That maybe she just needed to experience other people before she could settle down with him. They are going to continue living together in their shared apartment and they want to continue to hang out with my partner and I as a group of four. My sister says nothing really will change in their dynamic aside from stopping all romantic gestures and such. They will be roommates and friends, nothing more.
My problem with this is that her ex wasn’t saying anything. When I asked him he just affirmed they were happy with this decision. When my sister left to go to the bathroom I asked again and he said he didn’t really have a choice, my sister just told him they were done, no further conversation about it. He said he feels like he pushed her to do this because he’s been telling her for months to date a woman but while they were still together because he didn’t want to lose her. They had discussed getting engaged soon and what rings she liked many many times over the past two years. He said he felt blindsided but that who was he to stand in her way of exploring her sexuality.
I don’t like that they are going to continue to live together. I think my sister grieved this relationship and made this decision on her own over the past few months but it is fresh for him. He still wants to be with her. He’s holding onto hope she will come around soon and get back with him. I think she’s moved on for good. I don’t see how he will be able to get over her while they live together and continue to hang out with their friends like nothing has really changed. I think my sister needs to let him go. She needs to cut all ties and give him space for a few months. It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it too kind of thing. Like she’s stringing him along as a back up in case she doesn’t find whatever she is looking for.
I don’t know what to do. I’m torn because it’s not my relationship so I shouldn’t get involved but I also love and care for both of these people. So much. The ex is going to get more heartbroken I can just see it coming while my sister thrives. It makes me sick.
What would you do? What have you done if in a similar situation? Any advice for me, my sister, or her ex?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Mind your business
You don’t do anything. He’ll figure out what a shit situation this is for him and move on.
Stay out of it. There is nothing you can do in this situation to help.
I get why you have taken his side.
I may be odd for saying this but I hate the, “I have had limited dating experience I want to see what’s out there” if you are in love with someone then you do not need to look elsewhere you have who you want and need.
That being said she’s not in the wrong for breaking up with someone but more in the wrong g in the fact she’s keeping the door open to have him back whenever her plans backfire etc. having her cake and trying to ensure she can eat it kinda thing.
On my wife’s side of the family, her uncle (blood to the family) broke up with the aunty and the 2 kids who aren’t his are still treated like family to this day so is the none blood auntie. They go round for tea, celebrate birthdays call each other go out regularly. It’s generally amazing because it proves you can be family whether you are or not an og member if that makes sense .
TLDR sister is a little shitty in how she’s gone about it but if you want to keep him round as family, go for it! Why the hell not, like you said you’ve spent 7 years together as family
The whole “let’s stay roommates and keep everything the same” thing is honestly a fantasy. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it’s going to be a mess—especially because her ex didn’t choose this breakup. He needs distance to heal, and she needs to respect that instead of treating him like a built-in emotional safety net.
People break up.
Your sister isn’t doing anything wrong here. Breakups are almost never mutual, either – one person initiates it, and the other person doesn’t have to consent to the decision.
Yeah, it would be good for him to get his own place ASAP. I would tell him that. But I also think you’re being uncharitable to your sister: breakups are hard, especially at that age when you’ve been together for that long. Don’t assume this was an easy decision for her, and have some compassion for her handling it imperfectly because, you know, people learn how to do this by doing it.
Tell him to go to therapy because it seems like he’s in a lot of distress.
Tell your sister separately you think she’s being a user and immoral and exploiting her ex and that you are losing respect for her.
Then go on with your life.
If your sister wants to explore her identity, that’s totally valid, but she should think about how she’d feel if the roles were reversed. If she were still in love and being told to just watch her ex date other people while living together, would she really be okay? Sometimes flipping the script helps people see what they’re asking from someone else.
I may be in the minority here, but this just seems like a pretty standard break up. Yes, your sister kind of worked through this and processed it ahead of time and he’s just now dealing, but that’s common. Breakups are rarely mutual and even and clean. Parts of it are messy and he needs to realize living with her won’t work.
But for you, there’s nothing to do. This is their life and they need to live it. Just stay open and supportive and help when they ask. Otherwise, stay out of it.
I mean you can still be there for the ex and support him maybe back away from you sister slightly…I would suggest to him to move out of their living space because that shit will eat him up
You mind your own business. He is a grown man, and frankly your sister is right to not go along with his suggestion that she date others while staying in a relationship with him.
Your sister’s an asshole for keeping her ex on layaway. As a backup plan. Those previous times she had ‘doubts’? Probably got the hots for someone else.
Here’s hoping she didn’t cheat on her ex. It’s a low bar, but folks in their ‘discovery phase’ are usually ‘discovering’ other people before having the decency to break up with their current partner.
The ex is hurting, but needs a wakeup call. His girl moved on in all aspects that matter in a relationship.
As for you… it’s up to you if you want to get involved. Maybe have a random friend link this post to him? That way you’d at least have plausible deniability.
Living together is definitely a bad idea, but he needs to come to that decision on his own. This isn’t a crazy break up. There’s no real reason for you to be involved at all. Just because they told you doesn’t mean you’re invited to intervene.
Do you mean you want to hold your sister accountable? Your sister is a woman, right?
You better get prepared. Holding women accountable for anything is not a thing on Reddit.
Notice how the bitch is dangling the possibility that she will get back with him in the future.
She wants to keep him around as a backup plan.
Try to convince him to move out and forget about her.
He is a grown adult, they didn’t ask for any opinions. I personally agree with you but he needs to stand up for himself and don’t accept this kind of treatment.
Honestly there isn’t really a side to take here. Your sister was honest about not being ready to settle down.
The only issue I see is that she is being selfish with the whole still living together and being friends nonsenses. She is so caught up in what she wants that she isn’t considering that her ex needs a clean break. It makes it sound like she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She knows he is in love with her and will want to wait. So she is maintaining contact so she has a backup after she sows her oats.
Breaking up isn’t the issue here it’s that the ex isn’t in a place where he is protecting himself enough. Suggest therapy. Hopefully therapy will lead him to distancing himself so he can heal.
If you suggest he moves out or distances himself your sister will be ticked so he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. So therapy therapy therapy is what you need to bring up.
“He said he feels like he pushed her to do this because he’s been telling her for months to date a woman”
Maybe she didn’t want to date 2 people at once. This guy will eventually move on, she’ll be your sister forever. Stay out of it.
Terrible idea for all involved. And I think your sister is being an AH by not moving out. She can break up with someone for any reason. But sticking around is such a dick move to him.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. If it was me, I’d gently tell her that even if he agreed to this, the right thing to do would be to move out. Living together is only going to end badly and be hurtful to him. But that you love her, and her choices are her own.
My high school sweetheart (3+ years) ended things because “we were too young to settle down” and “she wanted to see what else was out there”. I was absolutely devastated..
A year later she begged me to take her back and said ending our relationship was the biggest mistake she’d ever made. I’d fallen in love with being single though so I never looked back. That was 20 years ago and I still get a message from her about once a year asking if I’d like to meet up for coffee or something just to see if anything is still there..
Your sisters boyfriend doesn’t know it yet but this is going to work itself out ok and he’ll be much happier with someone he doesn’t have to compete for.
That’s awful. I feel for him. Who would want to stay roommates after a breakup? That’s insane. It would only make him feel worse. There’s no way he can heal properly in that situation. Your sister is being a bit selfish for thinking it’s gonna be great. I mean, if she wants to back out of the relationship to experience new things, fine. But she has no right to expect him to be super cool with everything after that.
I would say you can just give him some advice. Let him know he has the option to leave and focus on himself. That’s all you can really do. And if your sister comes to you all upset about it, you better let her know. Hey, you are entitled to break up for any reason but you have to respect his healing. He’s in pain. Have some respect. She needs to realize that.
Stay out of it. He will move out or not but he is a grown man and has to make his own decisions.
If you really feel like you need to talk to someone about how this is being handled, the person to talk to is your sister. You’re probably right that if he doesn’t take space by moving out and living his life he’ll end up more hurt in the long run, but that’s for him and your sister to decide and talking to him isn’t your place.
Talk to your sister about your thoughts privately and see what she has to say, it’s up to her to have a second conversation with him-not you with him. If you want to be a comfort person for him that’s also fine, but you need to keep your personal opinions out of that and let him come to his own decisions without pushing him one way or another. If you can’t comfort him without doing that then you need to also distance yourself for the time being.