Using a throw away because people know about my main account.
I’m a (23f) university graduate who achieved a masters degree in October 2023, and since then I have found it exceptionally hard to find graduate employment. I have done unpaid work and I am now looking for “entry level” or minimum wage jobs which have nothing to do with my subject or level of educational qualifications. These jobs are also rejecting me for being overqualified.
Background aside, I feel absolutely worthless. The last 18 months have destroyed my self esteem. My friends never had this problem, and they’re starting their careers whilst I get left behind. In the beginning, I gained a ridiculous amount of weight and was on the cusp of overweight. I felt disgusting, none of my clothes fit, and ridiculous things sent me over the edge such as my skinny sister ordering a salad. I started losing this weight in a healthy way in January 2024, and reached a bmi of 22 by May. However, over the summer, some comments from family members set me off again, including someone guessing me to be two clothes sizes bigger than I am, and I started to lose weight again. By Christmas, I finally felt skinny, but I had this idea in my head that I needed to keep losing weight to have a “safety net” in case of accidental weight gain.
Two days ago, I hit that underweight category and I have no intention of stopping. My logic is that my education has resulted in failure, I can’t be big again too. I see myself as being the same size as I was in June, I’m haunted by the fat still on my body. I feel like losing another 5kg would finally make me happy.
People comment on my weight loss all the time, and I secretly enjoy it, but I also feel like they’re trying to take away my coping mechanism, the one thing that gives my life meaning, and my main distraction from the other shit in my life. I’ve done this before, when I was 18 but I stopped right after I hit underweight and it never turned into a full blown eating disorder, but now I can’t bring myself to maintain my weight out of fear I’ll lose control and become that big again.
I’m an educated young woman, and the idea that I would randomly develop a teenage illness in my mid twenties makes me feel even more pathetic.