My best friend has been with her husband for around 10 years now, they’ve been married for 2 years. They have 2 small children.
He is absolutely vile to her. He yells at her all the time, talks down to her, withholds money, won’t let her get a job or go to college, refuses to fix her car so she can go places other than her oldests school. He won’t help around the house, he is drinking constantly, he doesn’t help with the kids. He screams at her if something isn’t clean, if the trash isn’t taken out, if everything isn’t perfect when he gets home. He yells at her and calls her stupid and useless if she can’t keep her kids quiet. He won’t let her friends come over if he’s home, and if we’re there when he’s not he is constantly texting her calling us sluts and whores. We have to leave in enough time that he won’t see us. He makes them stay silent during the day when he works nights, but will not let her leave the house. When we used to have girls nights and she would stay with me, he would constantly call her and text her calling her names, telling her that she’s stupid, make up excuses for her to come home. The last time she got to come to my house was March 2024. That night he set off the fire alarm and called her 30 times screaming that she was useless, it was her fault, that she needed to come home even though she was too drunk to drive. A year after they got married he tried to put an app on her phone that would monitor everything she did, her conversations, her google searches, and her phone calls. When she called him out on it, he took all of her vital documents (birth certificates, social, insurance cards, kids birth certificates, their insurance cards) and her debit card into a safe and took the keys. He got so angry that he threw a recliner. He has access to her social media and all of her messages. He’s moved her an hour and a half away from her closest friends and family now, and has isolated her by not fixing her car (that he broke) and by only giving her enough gas money to get to and from her sons school. She has broken down on the side of the road 3 times since her car messed up in November, and each time she has to sit on the side of the road for 3+ hours waiting for him to get off of work and pick her and the kids up. Her dad has offered to pay a large amount every month toward a car payment, but her husband will not accept it and she cannot buy a car by herself with no credit and no income.
It has gotten to the point that my friend has stopped talking to me and her sister about everything going on and will not tell us specifics of what is happening. They got into a fight over the weekend while she was staying with her sister, and even though he wasn’t there, it got so bad that she ended up locking herself in the bathroom and crying for hours until her sister finally got her out. We were texting throughout most of that time, and she told me that she was so embarrassed that this was happening but that she wouldn’t leave unless he hit her.
This has been going on for years. He gets angry, treats her like shit, they get in massive arguments, and then he decides to be decent for a period of time and then it starts all over. The cycle is so obvious at this point. He has torn her down completely. She wasn’t like this. She always stood up for herself, she fought for herself, she called people out. She was never like this, this isn’t who she is. She admitted that he has broken her down so much, that she isn’t herself anymore.
We have been friends for 12 years now. I’ve been there through it all, I was there in the middle of sleepless nights with her first child. I would show up and just hold him so she would sleep. I would help her with laundry and dishes. I brought her food all the time and took her places. Her kids are like my own, she is like my family. I love her so dearly and so deeply and seeing this happen to her through the years has been devastating. I’ve offered her a place in my home. I’ve made plans. My husband and I already have a spot of land cleared off just in case she needs it to put her own home there. We decided years ago that we would give her land, watch the kids, do whatever we could to support her when she left.
Me and her have talked so many times about how her husband is behaving, what he’s doing, how to leave him. I’ve called lawyers for her, I’ve offered to keep the kids so she can meet with a lawyer and start the divorce and restraining order process. I’ve talked with her sister, brother, and parents to facilitate a plan to get her and the kids out.
I don’t think he will hit her, I think he will finally snap and kill her. I think he will skip hitting her and go straight to killing her. Her sister feels the same way. I am terrified. I don’t know what else to do other than to just continue supporting her and calling out his behavior.
She went home from her sisters yesterday after the massive argument they had this weekend and she was silent from the moment she got home. She read one of my texts. I was terrified all night, but I couldn’t call her over the fear of making whatever was happening worse and also not being able to leave work and go check on her. I called her as I was leaving work this morning and she sounded terrible. Like she had been crying or screaming all night. She said that she hadn’t slept, but she also wasn’t active from the time she got home so she wasn’t on her phone. So I know she wasn’t just scrolling on her phone or reading all night. We have each other on life 360 and she didn’t take her oldest to school today. She hasn’t messaged me back at all today. She told me not to come over even though he isn’t home today. I usually try to go see her once or twice a week.
I think he hurt her last night. I think something happened and she’s afraid to leave the house, she does want anyone to know, she doesn’t want anyone to see what is going on. I don’t know what to do. I think he’s going to kill her.
Comments
Can you or her family call the police in her area for a wellness check?
I hate this for everyone involved but there is nothing you can do until she is ready. Even if you try to intervene and she isn’t ready he will isolate her even further. Just be ready when shes ready. At this point even if he does hit her, I doubt she’ll leave. She even said it herself she is so broken down.
I would tell her that you can see it coming, that this is no way to live, and ask her to imagine those last moments of all the women who thought their partners wouldn’t hurt them or their kids. Tell her that you are all ready to help and protect her. But be ready because it sounds as if she is seriously going to need it.
I’m so sorry. The fear must be suffocating. You’re doing everything you can. What you’re doing is all you can do.
What about the kids? Maybe getting her to see that her staying is doing irreparable harm to the children will help her decide to leave. Even if she won’t leave for herself maybe she’ll do it for the kids.
Not if she kills him first. Let’s bring back poisoning abusive spouses!
Help her get out. Call a domestic abuse hotline if you must.
Call the police and keep calling.
Then she should try Al-Anon.
And see if she’ll read this.
https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati0000banc
Unfortunately, if she isnt willing to leave him there is nothing you can do but watch her slip away.
I would call cps
She does not have the strength mentally, physically and emotionally to leave. She’s too broken. She’s been psychologically battered over time, long before marrying him.
You and her family will need to save her however it has to be a foolproof plan..
You don’t have time..if he doesn’t kill her she may take her own life.
P.s Soo sorry that this is happening to someone you love ❤️
This started before she married him? And she married him? Does she not have a good relationship with her father? Her saying she wouldn’t leave unless he hit her would have been my awakening.
Can you call a welfare check on her? To make sure she isn’t injured? I would be very concerned as well.
Give her a gift you can hide a burner phone in. He might be reading her texts. Put your number in it and make sure it’s hidden VERY well. It may not be used at all, may not help at all, but it may help a whole lot. Maybe a women’s soap set with a false bottom basket. She may get offended but it’s a risk you have to take
He def hit her. She probably has bruises and can’t been seen in public.
Consider a welfare check
Have you called CPS for her children? She may not leave, but those kids need to be protected.
You should call child protective services. Those kids aren’t safe. Someone SHOULD protect them.
You can’t help her, she doesn’t want it. It’s time to protect the ones you can, the children, and call CPS. I’m sorry for your friend but, she’s made the choice to stay and is just as much of a danger to those children as the father.
If it was me, I’d call CPS. Those kids aren’t safe and their mother is keeping them in danger with her choices. She is damaging them just as much as their father is damaging their mother and them.
You can’t bargain with her. It won’t matter what you say. You’ll just waste air going around in circles.
Honestly, I’d shift my focus and try to save those kids. Those kids don’t have the power to save themselves.
I was her until my sisters kept calling cps and having the cops do wellness checks on me and my boys. They even told the school what was going on and they helped with calling and bringing in the kids to see how it was effecting them.
You are doing everything you can and just keep letting her know you are there for her when she needs it.
If you ever have a bad feeling just call for a wellness check. That save me once when he had me cornered with scissors ready to stab me
Get those children out of the house !! How can she subject her kids to such an environment
Honestly this feels like a CPS situation. She clearly won’t defend herself and her poor children are suffering.
Call child protective services anonymously
Have you tried solving the issue by posting to strangers online? Actually, maybe the police would be a better option. Tough call though
How is being hit any worse than what’s already happening? This is the model her kids are seeing for a man’s treatment of women.
You could call for a welfare check.