In the first two months ir was okay, not the amount of sex that I’m used to, but we still have some. He’s having some bad family problems since Christmas and sleeping problems. But since the new year we had sex twice. Every time that I try to iniciate things he always said that he’s tired or something with his stomach, which I get it, you don’t have to want sex all the time and it’s okay say no, but seems that he just doesn’t want me. Which is also something that I’ve never experienced. Every time I try to ask or talk about it he just says that is all this stress that he’s going through, I’m trying to be understanding, but its hard not to think that maybe I’m the problem, maybe he doesn’t desire me and that hurts. Not saying that I need sex in my relationship to last, but I would like to have some desires granted.
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Info: how long have you been together?
You deserve better
Twice since January? Judas, I’ve had sex twice since I got on reddit this morning. You guys need to talk.
I’m guessing you don’t look exactly like the porn stars online that he’s used to.
He is probably married and has kids
Even when you are stressed you have to prioritize the relationship. He is to old to not be able to handle his problems (unless he is having extreme amount of stress). For example when you are depressed it is not a free-ticket to laze around and waste away, you can be down from time to time but you have to prioritize taking steps towards health and happiness. It sucks to be stressed or depressed but life is not going to make it easier when you give up on responsibilities.
Few things to talk about or to know.
Men under a lot of stress, not eating / sleeping their dick doesn’t work right.
He may well be internalising a lot of stress, maybe some things about you too.
I myself had this, unknown adhd. Started a buissness and she tricked me into thinking she couldn’t work so she could study.
At the time I was madly in love, but had so many concerns and worries. Ultimately I kept quiet about thinking if she really can’t work she would feel terrible if I bring it up. That turned into resentment from both of us.
Try approach the topic where you ask if there is anything you can do to help with the stress.
Anything you guys can work on or challenges you can do to ease his load.
If you just complain instead, he may see you as a person with no empathy adding to his troubles not helping.
Thats the direction my relationship went and while there were other elements that might have ment we were wrong for each other. I regret to this day letting our anxieties fester. Stupid for thinking none communication was right.
You’re probably a side piece tbh
Have you checked to see if he’s married?
He says it’s stress.
You want to believe him.
But your body knows the difference between tired… and uninterested.
So let’s stop here.
What have you actually seen?
Not what he says.
Not what you hope is true.
What have you seen consistently?
Because if the pattern is
You bring it up.
He shuts it down.
You try again.
He dodges again…
Then what are you really in?
A partnership?
Or a guessing game?
Does he ask what you need?
Does he try to give that to you?
Has anything changed in how he treats your body since you asked?
Not oone or two times, but four or five times. Patterns are we look for in EBT.
Here’s the harder question:
If nothing changes, and this is just how it is…
Will you be ok with that?
You said you don’t need sex to stay.
Fair.
But do you need effort?
Do you need honesty?
Do you need the desire to be mutual?
Because EBT teaches us this:
You don’t leave for a broken sex life.
You leave for the lack of effort to repair it.
You’re not wrong to want to be wanted.
You’re wrong if you keep pretending it doesn’t matter.
Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~
I dated someone like this and lasted 4 months before I had enough and realised it wasn’t ever getting better.
He’s 39, way past his sexual peak, you’ve not even had yours yet so are very mismatched in terms of sexuality. Either accept it or don’t but honestly sounds like you’re wasting your time.
Twice since January? Goodness. My bf and I don’t get a whole lot of private time but we’ve had sex plenty of times since January.
I’d only point out the age gap between you two. A 27 year old woman probably has a higher drive than a man on the verge of 40. It’s worth bringing up to him. Have a kind conversation about it.
A deeper conversation may benefit you guys. Also keep in mind he is older than you, and his T levels might be starting to dip, which would lower his drive. But you guys need to talk about this in detail and get to the core of the issue.
I’ll admit I’ve not read all of them but I’m not seeing many serious comments here. I really don’t mind speaking my mind though and I feel for your situation and can totally relate. I’m in a gay relationship so I feel its best I give you this advice “as a man”
To any comment that says “you deserve better, leave him” fuck them, life isn’t black or white and there is a really great chance this guy is genuine. But before you continue on, very important question is….
Do you love him to a level that you are committed or willing to commit?
Very important because where I’m about to go is going to need that and while I disagree with sentiments of just leave him you do need to think about yourself here and if you’re the right fit to support him (if he DOES need support)
If that’s a yes look, I read just the vary vague context of this and I can already tell this guys having a hard time, and without being too crass probably a bit less so as a result.
As men, our emotions heavily way in to our sex lives and I know women can be the same but for us it’s not a case that we can “just so it because” it either works or it doesn’t.
So just in theory if he genuinely has a lot of baggage, which you can see, then it’s not unreasonable to believe that’s affected his performance. And when that happens and you have stress there is a lack of motivation to try again out of lack of libido or just simply fear of “losing it”
The sad thing is, us guys, we actually don’t talk about these things the way women do, so all these problems become internalised, actually, I’d bet if you just asked “is everything working” that would just make it worse. That’s how much we don’t want to talk about it.
This is getting long so I’ll thread my next bit!
Please realize it is most likely not anything you did or didn’t do. This is a him problem.
You can try to talk to him and find out what is going on with him but he may not want to open up. So be kind and careful not to blame or accuse. Be supportive with him.
If you want to stay, you can go to the deadbedroom subreddit for all kinds of advice, support, compassion and empathy. We really know what you’re going thru and can help.
It’s so hard feeling unwanted, undesirable, and just unfuckable. But remember it’s most likely not about you.
Also he’s over a decade older than you and that rarely is a good thing so look into why he is dating someone so much younger than himself.
Usually it’s to abuse and manipulate his partner. A woman his own age would never put up with his behavior but a younger woman will. At least for a longer period of time.
I hope you get some kind of resolution to your problem.
Im of a similar age as your man so I think I can speak for him a bit. The libido of a brand new adult like yourself vs a 40 year old is wildly different. This (and a thousand other reasons) is often why people date others of a similar age.
When I was in my 20s and early 30s, I could have a billion problems in life and still want to have sex as much as possible. Late 30s/40s…if im extremely stressed or going through some issues, my libido drops off significantly. I went through this somewhat recently where my libido drops to near 0 with sone health and work stressors I was going through. It was so bad I even stopped waking up with wood which was a first for me since my days of boot camp. So of course that was worrying and it caused even more stress and my libido dropped even more. My wife and I typically have sex somewhere between 2 and 4 times a week but we had a period of several months where I didn’t even want anyone touching me. She was obviously hurt by it and I explained to her what’s going on and she understood. After that stress went away, I was right back on the wagon. Pretty sure the first time we did it again I lasted all of 15 seconds. He may not be avoiding you because of you, its likely not the case. From your post, it sounds like he has several stressful life shit.
If your relationship was only good for the first 2 months, it’s time to cut him loose.