I’m really struggling with something and could use some outside perspective. It’s about my relationship, and I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, insecure, or if there’s something real going on that I’ve been trying to ignore.
My boyfriend was overseas recently for work. (1 year). And before that, another year. While he was away, we kept in touch—two short calls a day, about 15 minutes each. ( I wanted more but I felt like he was always letting the conversation slip to end the call) It wasn’t ideal, but I tried to be understanding and supportive. He always said he loved me, sent gifts occasionally, and made an effort to stay connected. On the surface, it felt like we were doing okay, even if the distance was hard.
But since he’s been back, I’ve had this gut feeling I can’t shake.
I saw some messages on his phone that made my heart drop. He was calling another woman “beautiful,” and the way they talked, it sounded like they’d seen each other often- in his words: “loved talking about ____ (his favorite hobby) and eating _____ (his favorite food) with you”. I couldn’t tell if that was just a random compliment or something more. When I asked him about her, he said she was someone from work.
That was a blow.
I also caught him on Reddit 2 years ago, messaging other women. He swears he never followed through and that it was just about feeling wanted. to me, emotional betrayal can hurt just as much. Eventually I forgave him.
What’s confusing though, is that he does things that make me question myself. He’s always buying me gifts, telling me he loves me, and being affectionate. like he’s trying really hard to prove something. But he also never lets his phone out of his sight. He takes it everywhere, even into the bathroom, which just feels… off.
I guess what I’m asking is:
Should I feel like something deeper is going on? Is this just me being insecure because of the long distance? Or is this behavior a red flag I shouldn’t ignore?
I don’t want to throw away a relationship over a gut feeling, but I also don’t want to ignore my intuition and end up more hurt later on.
Have any of you been through something like this?
How do you tell the difference between intuition and insecurity?
Any honest advice would be appreciated.
Comments
If your gut screams listen harder love shouldn’t feel like a mystery. Gifts mean nothing if trust is broken.
Your gut feeling matters and it sounds like it’s based on real things you’ve seen, not just insecurity. The secrecy with his phone and the messages to another woman are not small details. You’ve already been hurt once by his online behavior and it’s okay to question whether trust can truly be rebuilt. Sometimes love-bombing with gifts and affection can be a way to cover guilt. You deserve honesty and emotional safety, not just words and presents. Trust your instincts and have an open conversation where you set clear boundaries.
Always keep this in mind: “actions speak louder than words”. If he’s acting weird then he’s hiding something, him getting stuff and doing stuff for you doesn’t mean shit if he’s hiding something, and hiding something is an instant ruin of the relationship
“How do you tell the difference between intuition and insecurity?”
That’s a very interesting question.
My daughter is in her mid 20s and she frequently talks to me about relationships with guys who she meets.
The following is what I have deduced from our many discussions over the years:
Insecurities are generally all about self-doubt at the moment… let’s say that you are out with your boyfriend, and he sees a former classmate and begins flirting with her; and at that moment, you feel for example, that she may be more attractive than you are.
Intuition is a different kind of feeling, something a bit more vague, yet powerful, from an unidentifiable place, and one that does not necessarily require any specific context… as expressed in the title of your post:
I think my boyfriend cheated on me while he was deployed.
Do you see the difference?
I dont know a single guy i deployed with who didnt cheat on his gf back home.
The two are compatible with each other – he can be very expressive and giving and loving to you. While also also being expressive and giving and loving to others.
From his perspective, is there something key missing from the relationship?
Was he just lonely, and found a low stress relationship with no obligations that brings him temporary excitement?
Regardless, it’s your choice whether or not you want to deal with this for the next 2-20 years.
You literally saw the proof he cheated.
What more do you need to grow a spine and leave?
I had the same experience, it is time for you to move on. After 6 years of marriage with this non trusting mind I was all along right with my feelings. The truth will came out later.. don’t waist your time move on now!!