This is kind of a long post. Made this account to just get some advice on this situation:
I (27 black F) have been dating my boyfriend (25 white M) for almost three years now, I mentioned the race because I think it’s important to note that I’m his first black girlfriend. Not sure if it plays a role in the situation or not but anyhow he has met pretty much everyone in my immediate family including nieces and nephews on different occasions and circumstances.
We’ve talked about moving in together soon and we were almost parents(miscarriage) he takes care of my dog like she’s his own and even talks about being the best first time dog dad. He’s really good to both of us.
Now, I’ve been to his house a couple of times where he lives with his parents but he’s always left me sitting in the car while he went inside and it’s always at night. I haven’t met any of his friends either, and only briefly met his sister last thanksgiving but again this was at night and I was sitting in the car, and he didn’t really introduce us.
I’ve asked multiple times if we could set up a meeting because he says his parents ask about me all the time but he normally brushes it off. When I push it he says “maybe we will soon”or “if I really want too then we could”but I can just see and hear his hesitation every time and it breaks my heart.
I’ve told him it’s basically like I’m inviting myself to a party which would be lame and desperate, it should be his idea if he wants to be with me. I shouldn’t be the only one to bring up the conversation. Like I’ve said I have asked multiple times and we even argue about it sometimes.
He’s said that he doesn’t want me to be awkward and not speak to them because I am usually pretty shy and quiet to begin with. But I’ve literally read so many “meeting the parents conversation starters” and practiced in the mirror because I do have a fear of being rejected or never good enough.
I didn’t graduate, but I’m working on getting my ged (because he actually convinced me to start that journey instead of sulking about not finishing school) and right before I met him I had just moved back home from TN, then a few months after I lost my car so I’m living in my mom’s apartment with my brother(mom doesn’t stay here)
I will admit it’s been hard trying to save money and find/keep decent job after being laid off because my “good job” shut dow. He’s told me that I’ll have nothing to talk about with them and nothing to show for.
I think he’s just ashamed and embarrassed by me because we aren’t on the same playing field. I hardly know anything about his family, other than his sister is the same age as me and he has a twin brother and they’re the same age as my brother, and he talks about his niece a lot. I know very little about his parents.
I don’t think he wants to be with me although he takes care of me a lot it’s starting to feel like it’s out of pity or charity work but he stays here four to five days of the week and I’ve never seen the inside of his house. He won’t even let me say hello to his mom when we’re on the phone and I can clearly hear them in background, there’s always an excuse on why I can’t or why he can’t put the phone on speaker, sometimes he’ll even mute it or just leave it in the room. He gave me her phone number but told me to not bother her because shes always busy and I have texted her maybe twice from his phone with him “proof reading and editing the text before sending” what should I do? Do I keep asking or just leave it alone?
TL;DR: My boyfriend is hiding me from his family and I don’t really know what to do.
Comments
I am gonna go on a limb, but this is a major red flag for. I would not be surprised if his family is openly racist, and he is complicit in that racism.
You are worthy of being seen and known by everyone in his life. If he can’t give you that basic respect, he does not deserve you.
I would press him on the point.
You have things to talk about with him, why does he think his parents would only want to talk about work and education?
I would expressly ask him if he’s ashamed of you of if his family and friends are racist. If he says no, then I’d demand to meet them.
It’s been three years. You deserve better than someone who keeps you hidden. What else is he hiding?
You are shy, quiet, unemployed and finishing your education you didn’t finish a decade ago. From how you word things you don’t appear to stand your ground, have much self confidence and you don’t ask about his parents.
Psyche yourself up and next time you’re in the car with him outside his parents home get out and insist to go with him. It’ll be a big step for you and won’t be easy but you won’t know otherwise.
I think it’s silly to assume his parents are racist. Odds are they don’t know anything about you.
Im so sorry you are feeling this way. Your feelings are valid!!!! And it doesn’t feel good. As a person of color who is also dating a white guy I too have felt that insecurity of not being enough. I’d like to believe his actions of love are some indication that he loves you. However his other actions show another apprehensive side. I would recommend you have a heart to heart and honest convo about how this makes you feel using I statements without pointing the finger. I feel this … because … I feel that because …
Him doing this doesn’t make it right but I have a feeling there are other deeper issues he’s dealing with and doesn’t know how to manage that, racist or unsupportive parents, he may be ashamed of his family … we won’t know unless you ask.
If this avoidance continues you’ll have to decide for yourself if this is worth it and if it will make you feel happy and secure. You have ultimate say of what happens. There’s a bigger world out there and you have more life to live.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life is hard and we have to work even harder bec we black and brown but believe in yourself.
Men are replaceable 😉
I hate the idea of this, but I really hope you aren’t the other woman and he has someone else parent/family approved or even another family. You are worth so so so much more than this.
It’s possible his family might be mildly racist and he’s actually embarrassed of them and won’t admit it. My sister dates black guys and she’s only ever brought one who was very light skinned to meet the family. I think because he was educated and talked very smooth she was comfortable bringing him around my dad. My dad isn’t like Nazi or kkk racist. He’s just old school and grew up with a racist father himself. He’s not fully against her dating black guys but he’s def picky about any guy, not just black ones. I can’t even say for sure it’s that they’re black but more of their personality. Does not like the slang and they way a lot of black folks talk. He’s said some shit before that would be extremely embarrassing to me and her, and offensive if he would say it in front of or to a black guest. If he’s dating you, and his family knows about you, then likely it’s because he’s worried about the interracial bonding if he brings you around them. Like I said, my sister has literally had this conversation with me multiple times about why she’ll be dating a black guy and won’t bring him around to meet us.
Yeah there’s something fishy going on here. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was his family being super racist. Could also be you’re the “other woman” but it sounds like he spends too much time with you for that to make sense unless his actual girlfriend is long distance or something.
Talk about marriage. Where does he see this going after three years? Does he plan to marry you? If so, you’re going to have to meet his family at some point. Is there a reason (non-judgmentally) it seems like he might be putting that off?