I think my BF raped me?
Hello! I wanted to get something off my chest that happened last night because I feel confused. My boyfriend and I were having sex and everything was fine (and consensual) like it always is. All of a sudden he attempts to penetrate me anally. We have had anal many times before. I usually always “struggle” and resist a little bit in the beginning and then it gets better (he is well aware of this.) However- last night was different. I wasn’t in the mood for that so I said the words “no” and “stop” multiple times. I was crying and fighting it, attempting to push him off of me from the back, etc.
After this, I was in a lot of pain, so I went to sleep on the couch. This morning I told him that the whole thing was not okay with me and that I didn’t like any of it. He said the words “you said ‘stop’ and that should’ve been enough.” I asked what I could do in the future to make it more clear when I DONT WANT IT. And he said “maybe change your tone, be more firm when you’re saying no and stop because sometimes i can’t tell if you’re just playing around or being serious.” He said he was trying to be dominant because he knows that’s what i like. he really does not comprehend that there is a difference between the two. We haven’t really talked since it happened and he agreed to give me some space. I feel bad because I feel like i’ve given him the cold shoulder the last couple days, I’m just still processing the whole thing and deciding if this is grounds for calling it quits and dumping him. I really love him, and he’s always made me feel loved so I just don’t understand how he could do this. I feel really hurt and violated. I was crying and fighting him the whole time I dont understand how that’s not clear enough?
EDIT: After reading some of the comments, I did want to preface- we do not actively engage in an CNC. “Play rape” has never been something we have entertained. We usually only do dom/sub activities and had a safe word for ONE activity involving restraints that we did months ago- i honestly don’t even remember what the safe word was because it was just for that one time, and i’ve never had to use it again. We don’t currently have a safe word.
Comments
If he done it once he will do it again! No means No and they need to realize that!
Yes that was rape.
He admitted he heard you but decided that didn’t matter.
Asking if you were serious was not hard. He chose to rape you instead of risking “souring the mood”. And then he blames you for it, that you are not clear enough.
This is gaslighting. He is not taking accountability. Therefore will do it again. You told him you felt violated and he is not besides himself. That already says it all.
It was easy to prevent, with a safe word. But then he would have no way of blaming it on you
I’m sorry to say this, but it’s definitely rape. Right now you’re blaming yourself because you usually “struggle” like you say and it might have confused your boyfriend. But I really think there’s difference between when yall play and last night. You did not just said stop and no multiple times you also tried physically to push him away from you and was crying! Not mention the gaslighting and the fact he’s blaming you and not taking responsibility its literally the proof that he knows what he did.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that; and you’re right, it was rape. No matter how he wants to see it, you did not consent and he kept going regardless; if he wasn’t 100% sure about your intentions he should’ve stopped to ask you instead of assuming you were fine, and the fact that he kept going while you were crying is honestly disgusting.
Take as much time as you need to heal and gather your thoughts; I don’t know either of you, but from what you’ve said he crossed your boundaries and sees nothing wrong with what he’s done – I personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand consent.
The whole you usually fight it off is the problem. You should have a safe word, so there’s 0% room for misinterpretation. The crying and fighting should’ve been a giveaway, though. Not taking his side at all, and he should’ve stopped. I hope you’re ok.
Yes, of course this was rape. He doesn’t get to define what is and isn’t rape in your relationship.
There’s a world of difference between living out a rape fantasy, and actual rape. You didn’t want this. No amount of explaining on his part will change that.
Whether you want it or not, this is a turning point in your relationship. You both now know that this is something that has happened, and can happen again. You now need to decide whether this is something that you want to accept going forward, or not (I think you can guess my thoughts on the matter).
If you were crying the whole time out loud, then that should have been enough… It’s important to have a safe word when you’re kink is playing chase like that (my safe word is “seriously”. Like, playfully saying “no stop” is fine; but “no. Seriously stop. I’m being serious, don’t do that.” takes it out of the playfully mood)
kinks are fine when both people are on board, but being in obvious pain can be a kink for some people on the giving end also.
There’s a difference between a Sub/Dom relationship and a masochist/sadist relationship. Doms are firm but respectful. It sounds like your boyfriend might enjoy inflicting pain which can get dangerous and borderline abusive down the line.
As someone who has a tendency to fall for narcissists, this unfortunately sounds like he will make excuses and play dumb; but from how you’re describing what happened; no one is that dumb. He was just horny. I’m sorry.
I guarantee you he knew what he was doing. He raped you intentionally and then blamed you.
Please get somewhere you feel safe and break things off. Inform his family of what happened AFTER you have informed your safe circle and have your written testimony (even if you don’t report it, having a date and time in case -he- tries to start litigation), and only if you feel safe doing so (be careful, many parents of adult children have massive cognitive dissonance and will refuse to believe that their child would even lie, let alone rape someone).
You should also, as soon as possible, get to a doctor to get checked for injuries or internal damage. Anal is not without costs even when consensual and done safely with lube and lots of prep but violent rape can cause serious health issues and lasting physical wounds. Document any and all injuries.
Also get into crisis counseling and get what happened documented that way, as well as tending to your well-being.
Please keep safe, first and foremost. Do what you need to balance, and then document everything for your own safety. If someone is willing to rape you, they have no limits on what other violence they’re willing to do.
The way you have written it, I’m not clear he believes it was rape. It clearly is, as a man, in my book there is no question. Even when role playing, partners have to be aware of going too far and a caring check of the boundaries is never a moment breaker if you care about your partner.
He was wrong, it is rape and he needs to understand that. You’d be well within your rights to enforce that, should you have the inner strength to do so. Your relationship might go either way. If you choose to forgive him and he can learn from it, then you just might build a stronger relationship. If you can’t forgive him, and I would be 100% behind you for feeling that way, then the trust is never going to return. Without trust between you, there can never be a worthwhile relationship.
It’s a tough one, given you love him. Try to put that aside and imagine how you’d feel if he did it again. Can you trust him, really?
He showed you who he is. Now what are you going to do? You clearly told him to stop as forcefully as you could and he didn’t stop. Now, you can give him another chance if you want to, but… that leaves a high risk of this happening again.
This was rape. You said you were crying? And he kept going? Yeah. I’d do some serious thinking about this relationship. Like someone else said, if he can do it once, he will definitely do it again. Run OP, get away from him asap
You said stop and that should have been enough… What in the name of all that’s holy is this shit? Why was it not enough then? The difference between dominance and rape is consent and that’s what has happened. And you are planning things to do in the future with him? Consent aside, the fact that you (the love of his life) were crying should have been enough to stop him on his tracks.
If you have to ask on a public forum or anyone in private: Yes. He has poor impulse control and is a sadist.
He used you as a guinea pig to practice his predator craft; assessing your reaction to see what bullshit he can get away with; without consequences, and/or alerting those he care about (I dare say he is a sociopath) or the authorities.
Rapist always escalate preying on the vulnerable, the youth or actively seeking a no risk (of course they are cowards) opportunity everywhere they go horny.
>resist a little bit in the beginning and then it gets better
weird how you dilute your words and say all that, keep a safe word man
> I was crying and fighting him the whole time I dont understand how that’s not clear enough?
bite , if it is unclear it will make a distinction . If they have a rapist tendency it is easier to show it to the police .
Either break up or create and agree on a safe word
He knew what he was doing! Rape play can be okay – but when agreed upon and you have a safe word, in case one part wants to stop. What he did is not okay, and it was rape for sure. Based on his obtuse reaction, this most definitely will happen again.
Honey. Your boyfriend isn’t just a rapist. He’s a misogynist, who’s playing the remote odds of his being held accountable by any institution that’s supposed to care about your safety, your dignity, your body, your boundaries — out loud, against you
Let’s revisit, super slowly, what you said: before, anal sex has been something you’ve resisted, bodily, even when you’ve readily consented:
That doesn’t make last night more complicated. That makes it simpler. When you said “no,” he was supposed to stop. Because you’re a person? Let alone his girlfriend?
It’s not normal for a person to sexually assault you — literally keep penetrating you as you writhe in pain — asking them to stop — while they orgasm
You don’t have a tone of voice problem
You’re great, except for the fact that your boyfriend just raped you, and your boyfriend is a mean, manipulative (serial) predator who has a very low of all women as a group
This is, in fact, a case you can bring to the police. Go to a SANE nurse first.
I hope you realize everybody messaging you cares about you
At first when I read this I thought it’s a tough call because of the dominance thing. However, on reading properly through it, rather than fast reading it, I think yes it could be considered rape, that’s determined by whether you forgive him and set a safe word or you call him out on it and dump him. If you can handle the stress of going to the police over it and what social influence that will have on both your lives then do so.
This is a very fine line between being dominant and being rough.. and that. The way you describe it in this post sounds like rape. But that’s a fuzzy line you need to talk about with him
So you’re saying you never consented to do anal at all? It needs prepping to do it with less pain, and you’re saying he just go there without any questions? And you’re not ok with that every time? No concent= rape.
This time, it was a clear, violent rape. He didn’t even say sorry???? Seeing you crying in pain??? What a psychopath!
Please do not confront him in person at all. Crisis counseling and moving to another place as soon as possible.
If you have strength to report him to protect his future victims and tell this story multiple times to the police, do a rape kit at the hospital (in 24 hours after the rape) and report him!
I had an ex that was similar. It’s hard to accept that someone you love would do that to you, especially when it feels like you didn’t do enough to stop it. You asked him to stop, and he didn’t. You are not, and never will be, to blame for him ignoring your boundaries.
You need to realize that he will most likely never hold himself accountable and he will do it again. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best.
[deleted]
He 100% raped you, said said to stop, he heard you, and kept going because he wanted to. Even if he didn’t hear you say stop, if he can’t comprehend the difference in you putting up a little playful resistance for YOUR enjoyment, and him raping you because he wanted to be dominant, he should not be having any sort of relations with someone where he needs to see when someone is role playing a little and being serious. It also is very easy and very normal to check with your partner is certain stuff is okay or not, or if you are feeling okay in the moment.
I understand loving and caring for someone makes this situation harder to figure out, but I wouldn’t blame you for leaving him to heal from this on your own
If you were crying and fighting it there’s no way he couldn’t tell. He just wanted to get his nut and didn’t care about you. Now he’s gas lighting you into thinking it’s because you weren’t firm. Guess what? It’s working because you actually feel bad for giving him the cold shoulder. A cold shoulder isn’t even equal to what he did to you. Plain out he doesn’t respect you.
You were crying and fighting, how much FIRM did he want you to be? He is making excuses, and you are making excuses for him-“I feel bad.” The fact that you’re staying in this relationship doesn’t speak well of you.
If you did not want him to do it, and he still did, that is considered rape. If you sometimes “struggle” and resist him in the beginning, you NEED to have safe words, so he has another clear sign that he needs to stop.
This sounds like a huge miss commination to me, you guys need to have a better understanding of each other and a safe word especially if you play struggle normally. That being said he also should have checked in with you and made sure it was still play. If he has never done this before and you feel if you talked to him that you could trust him again then set hard limits and boundries. Good luck
This is why safe words are important when you engage in cnc.
He hurt you and after that tried to gaslight you about it. You were clear about consent and he knows that.
If you ”resisting” is normally part of your sex life, you really should have a safe word. If you want to continue the relationship after him raping you.
So, when are you going to file a report?
That’s 100% rape. I’m so sorry. Maybe secretly record him saying all of that again and report him (if you feel up for that). Once they do it they don’t stop. There’s no way a grown man doesn’t know what stop and no means. Please never blame yourself for this. However you go about this is totally your choice here. I merely give a suggestion but I sympathise with how terrifying this all is. I’m truly sorry, you didn’t deserve that and he is the biggest scum of the earth. I hope you heal. Even if you don’t report or anything, please seek therapy 🫂
Karma farming. You know it was rape.
Leave him, now.
Girl, this is escalating. You said you usually initially resist, then it “gets better”. If you resist at all, and he keeps going, that’s STILL RAPE. But when you have him a hard no, and kept saying no, crying and fighting, he still kept going. Which is still rape, and it sounds like how forceful he is being is escalating. What’s he going to do next?
Omg this is awful I’m so sorry. Idk about you but I would be too scared of him to even be naked around him again.
My bf has been incredible for 7 years, but if he penetrated me anally without full, enthusiastic consent, I would break up with him right away and get a rape kit before reporting him. It would feel hard because I love him, but that would show me that he doesn’t love or respect me at all.
There is no excuse for violating someone, especially in such an intimate and painful way.
He wasn’t sure about if you were playing or not? Ok, fine. His two options were: “ruining the mood” or “rape”. Who tf would choose the 2nd option? A rapist.
If you want to stay with him, create a safe word. So next time he won’t be able to hide behind excuses
When you say stop and he doesn’t, then it’s no longer consensual.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
If I were you, the only way I would continue the relationship is if he went to couples counseling with you. And that’s not given that will fix this.
Staying would mean you’re okay with him raping you every now and then, at minimum.
Read that again.
Leave whilst he gives you the space.
Leave leave leave I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
IF- and that is a very strong IF- he’s telling the truth… yeah I can’t even finish that thought because I seriously doubt he couldn’t tell the difference, and I question the caliber of person who hears someone saying “No” “Stop” and feels someone pushing away from them and crying, and doesn’t even THINK to ask “are you okay?” “Should I stop” ….
But in case he really is that much of an idiot, safe words are for this reason
Even IF (and that’s a big if) he thought you did not mean it, the moment you said you were in pain and went to sleep in the couch or the moment you told him about how you felt he should have felt disgusted by what happened, completely apologetic and he is the one that should be worried about how to make sure that never happens again.
The fact that you are the one that has to ask him what YOU can do to make him understand that no means no shows how little he cares for what he did and how you feel about it. It definitely was rape and he seems to not care about it in the slightest.
He violently raped you. He does not love you. You need to leave this relationship, immediately.
He did this on purpose and now he’s gaslighting you. Please love yourself enough to leave him, it’s going to get worse
This was rape. I’m so sorry dear.
My husband and I regularly engage in intense, blurred lines CNC play. If he has ANY doubt when I struggle/say “no/stop”, he immediately asks if I meant it. The possibility that he’s doing something I don’t want is too dangerous and risky to not ask me. You did not deserve this.
Yes. It was rape. ” I said the words “no” and “stop” multiple times. I was crying and fighting it, attempting to push him off of me from the back, etc.” If you decide to go forward with him (I don’t recommend it)…get a safe word.
If i even WHISPER stop or hang on real quick. He IMMEDIATELYYYYYYYYYY stops. No wondering , no problem. His response “You ok?” Or “you need anything?” And we don’t change what we are doing anal/vaginal/awake/alert/etc. Without explicit confirmation.
If you have to ask the question, the answer is probably YES to you. Unfortunately, Because I know when another Medusa stares back at me.
You are safe in this reality,, if and only if you choose to follow me when you hear me… I promise magic is real, I am a Raven’s Claw too…….
Regardless, of if he was unsure, he should have stopped and double checked if you were ok. That is the normal thing to do. I’m sorry this happened to you.
You gave some context, but I have to wonder if some is missing? You mentioned that he knows you like it rough and you two have engaged in rough sex, which “rough” is subjective. So objectively speaking (which is foreign to this app), it’s not realistic to say someone should easily know the difference between “rough” and what happened to you last night if there was a fake “no” during previous intercourse. I’m honestly sorry that happened to you and I hate that you’re feeling the way you do, but I have to say I believe in honesty and objective thinking. If you were maliciously raped, then there should be consequences. But also really ask yourself, are you looking at the situation for what it could truly be? People are NOT mind readers and we have to be accountable for our actions, but I noticed a long time ago that a lot of the members in this group don’t understand that. My apologies if I come off as harsh.
When my husband and I have sex and I say “no” or “stop” he fully stops and asks if I’m playing or if I really want him to stop. If I say full stop he lays down and we cuddle. That was definitely assault. There is no rain he couldn’t have asked.
I’m sorry this happened to you and yes, it was rape. I am more concerned at the fact that you think there is a better way to explain the word no as opposed to the situation for what it is and being done with him.
he’s gaslighting because there’s no other way to say no except no. There’s no other way to say stop except stop.
Don’t get on the Internet making excuses for your rapist. Is there somewhere you can go away from him?
If you had a safeword and didn’t use it I was going to go for misunderstanding. Since this was not the case I call rape
Takes 2 seconds for him to say, oh stop for real are you OK?
He didn’t. Im so sorry OP. He knew what he was doing
This why yall should have safe words discussed beforehand if you like domination play.
What happened is fucked and yeah that counts as rape. But if we do give him the benefit of the doubt and go with the hypthesis that he is not a piece of shit and actually misread the situation then this whole thing could have been avoided
So, what does “and then it gets better” mean? Does it mean you just finally stop resisting and just let him do whatever he wants? If so, then he’s been raping you for a long time.
Does he want a notarized statement explicitly saying you want him to stop next time?
Honey, the answer, sadly, is that it was rape. He was well aware the you were in pain and uncomfortable. He just didn’t care. He forced himself on you, ignored your wishes, and placed the blame on you. You don’t need to be more firm next, you need to get away from that evil man.
He will do it again. It is never easy to realize that someone who we love, who we trusted, could so easily hurt us so carelessly. But get away as quick as you can
no, you were ABSOLUTELY raped. regardless, stop and no should be said when you DO NOT WANT IT. this is why safe words and other things are made. for when it gets too much or you’re not comfortable with it. sit him down, give him a safe word and if he can’t take that word serious, break it off.
[deleted]
Yes, that’s rape and now he’s gaslighting you about not being “clear” enough”. Report him, he is a rapist and will attack you or someone else again
This is what my first ex did to me. I said no, I said I didn’t want to, and he said “no, you like it.” I’m so sorry girl 🥲❤️
Ummm. Looking at your profile, you’ve written about catching this guy on OF in the last few weeks. So not only is he hurting you, he’s cheating as well.
Get rid of him. He’s only going to get worse.
Everything else aside, this is why safe words are so important! If you engage in anything even remotely CNC, Ans struggling falls into that, then you NEED to have a safe word, so there isn’t any ambiguity.
BUT you said you were crying and struggling, he should’ve at the very least, stopped and checked with you. What he did was not okay.
Ya that’s not okay, you did the right thing in talking to him but by his reaction it’s more for your safety leave or tell him if he ever does it again you are gone.
he definitely raped you, and while he should’ve gotten the hint, this is why it is so important to have a very clear safe word. “No” or “stop” shouldn’t be the safe word since it can be used playfully. Mine with my bf is “mercy,” and we have never had to use it.
“Red light” is a good one too
Or just any random word that you wouldn’t use in any other context
Yes OP, I’m very sorry, but that was rape. He raped you 🙁
The best safest choice for you is to leave him. Tell your trusted people that he hurt you and it’s over between you, and he is not to be trusted anymore, and make sure nobody passes him any more info about you.
And please, from now on, in any relationship where you have sex, establish a mutual safeword first. Then there will never have to be any bullshit about potential confusion. If you choose the word ‘Apples’, that means any time you say apples, you can expect the other person to immediately stop everything and touch base with you about what’s going on. You deserve to be made love to, and feel safe while you enjoy sex. Not to be used.
I wouldn’t say leave him, because you both do love each other but definitely have a VERY long talk about how that is DEFINITELY NOT ok, I would also maybe make a safe word for that too, just to be safe. But I agree that was rape and is definitely not ok
The second you told him I don’t want this. It became sexual assault. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done it 1000 times before and it doesn’t matter in the past if you said yes, but the split second the words left your lips. I don’t want this it became sexual assault And he cursed you into something that you didn’t want to do is still sexual assault no means no that means if you’re in the middle of having sex and you change your mind say no I don’t want this and he does not stop. It’s still sexual so. This should be the last time he ever touches you. You need to break up with him now because I guarantee this will not be the last time that he tries something like this. In a dealbreaker one because he’s respect your wishes too. He does not respect your boundaries three he sexually assaulted you. What else more do you need to know break up with him and walk away while you still can no means no by the way I’m a guy and I consider your partner somebody who committed sexual assault and please once again we evaluate your relationship with him and break up with him
Leave
You were raped.
He’ll do it again.
Leave him.
Your post doesn’t have all the details of your past interactions with him. But based on what you said, it sounds like you liked to resist in the past and this was kind of a game or a turn on for you (which can be common amongst couples). The problem is that if you have said many times to him “no” before, as in struggling and resisting, and you are used to it as a game. How could saying “no” this time be an actual stop word? I can see why he would be confused by that. I just suggest that you have a VERY CLEAR stop word that you can discuss outside of a sexual situation when you are both calm. Or just simply tell him “from today, no means no”. This kind of dom/sub play can be exciting for couples but it can be a super thin line before these kind of events happen where one part feels violated. I hope it all gets better!
You guys need to talk about this. If you play resist I can see where he’d be confused. Just sayin. I know I’ll get shit on for it. But I can see where the confusion is.
If you like being submissive or y’all switch YOU NEED TO HAVE SPECIAL SPECIFIC SAFE WORDS THAT MEAN HARD STOP.
It could be pineapple or cupcake or watermelon. something “out of pocket” during sexual activities.
He should have stopped. He should have listened.
It sounds like you guys are young. Let this be a learning point for both of you.
Stop means stop. No means no. There is no “play” you say it, they do it. Or it doesn’t happen anymore. That’s it
I’ve seen a similar story before and I’ll say the same comment here. In any consensual partnership I’ve had, if I have even the smallest amount of discomfort my partner stops and checks in that I’m okay. If I’m on top and my partner shows signs of any discomfort my immediate response is to stop and ask if they are okay. Like it is just a reflex because I care about them so much. That is how consensual intimacy should be. He does not care for you. He probably barely likes you. You deserve better. Sending you hugs. I’m so sorry this happened, you were assaulted.
If I moan in a way that doesn’t sound completely enthusiastic I get an immediate “you okay” from my partner. Sucks because he stops to make sure I’m okay but I can’t fathom even acting like I wasn’t fully consenting and my partner attempting to keep going.
Make sure you agree where the line is and maybe agree on a date word. If you’ve done this act before and agreed that CNC is okay, establish better boundaries. Don’t be afraid to do that
He raped you and is blaming you for his behavior. He knows what he did was wrong and cares so little for you he let you sleep on the couch. It also sounds like you don’t even like anal and he forces you to do it anyways.
I don’t understand why people don’t have sex safe words. It insane to me. Based on his understanding, you might want to implement safe words. Because yes, stop and no should be an immediate reaction to comply, but as you know, there is that kind of role play, and you need to find a safe word so that there will never be a miscommunication. Or a “oh, I thought you were roleplaying” situation again.
I’m confused by him saying “you said stop and that should have been enough” he said those words to you? Cuz that’s correct. You saying stop SHOULD have been enough to make him stop.
“No” and “stop” are almost never used in a playful tone unless it’s that very obvious voice. I’m so sorry OP. I hope you find a way you heal from this. ❤️🩹