My (21F) dad (58M) went out tonight, he told me he was going to walk on the beach like he usually does but he was dressed very nicely and wearing lots of cologne. We share a credit card and I saw a charge for a restaurant and an ice cream place. I called him twice and he didn’t answer. When he came home he told me he was out with a friend and told me a name and said it was a coworker, when I searched it up on his company website it was a woman (but I could be wrong about who it was).
My mom (55M) is away and they’re both conservative Muslims, hanging out with the opposite gender 1-on-1 is not normal or typical. I don’t know what to do, I’m panicking and I feel sick. I can’t tell my mom cause I’m not sure and I can’t tell my sister cause she already hates him and will escalate the situation and I don’t know how my brother will react. I’m very scared right now and I feel rlly sick.
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I am actually experiencing something similar currently, but I am not sure if they hung out together or not … I totally understand how you feel , because I dont know what to do either. (Also muslims)
I’m sorry this is happening to you
I think the best thing to do here is to wait and see if your dad does more of these “suspicious” activities or something similar; I know by what you saw is pretty hard to believe that it’s not what you think it is, but for now you should try and stay calm and give him the benefit of the doubt, and get more proof if you can
You have 2 choices take it to the grave , or tell your mother and potentially cause your families break up all depends on how you want it to play out but for your parents sake i would hold onto it until you have something solid or at least wait to see if he keeps doing it . But id say think real careful before you say anything i feel sorry for you’re situation shalom
Trust your gut, it’s reacting for a reason. Even if you don’t have proof yet, the secrecy and change in behavior are red flags. You don’t have to confront or expose anything right now. Just breathe, observe, and protect your peace while you figure it out.
First, take a deep breath. Right now, you don’t have enough proof to jump to conclusions, and assuming the worst will only make you feel worse.
People do dress up for non-romantic reasons- a work dinner, catching up with an old friend, even just wanting to feel good. You did the right thing by noticing patterns, but this isn’t something you can confront without certainty. If you decide to ask, keep it calm and curious, not accusatory”Hey, you seemed dressed up tonight -what was the occasion?” If he is hiding something, the truth will come out eventually, and you don’t need to play detective or blow up the family without facts.
Take care of your mental health first -eat something, drink water, and remember: secrets have a way of surfacing without you destroying yourself to find them
Slow. Your. Roll.
You simply do not have enough information to be making any conclusions. You have noticed something weird. Note it, maybe document it somehow via texts between a friend or your brother, and then leave it at that for now.
Smells like cheating. Don’t panic, don’t tell anyone yet just watch. Gather facts, stay cool.
Can you get in some credit card charges before you tell your mom?
Your mum probably already knows but might be too scared to say anything.
Maybe talk about it in a joking way when she’s back home . But not in front of your father .
i get it’s not normal behavior for your dad but so what. humans, including your parents, get to act out of character at some point in their life. they also get to do something that goes against the norm. if it’s not a pattern of behavior it’s not a problem and it’s not your business.
and trust, if he’s cheating your mom will know. women just know.
Stay out that grown man’s business
I think mine is too but I just mind my business
. It is not considered bad in Islam if a man has more than one woman in his life. Even though Muslims have got this concept entirely wrong.
In Islam, you are allowed to have more than one only if your wife agrees or if the woman is very poor and can not be married off.
I am not saying what he is doing is right as I am against having multiple partners at one time. What I am trying to say is maybe your dad thinks that it is okay to be doing this as he believes that he has the Islamic lawful right like most Muslim men do.
No matter the age, we all have needs as humans. Maybe he feels lonely and needs some woman company. I don’t think otherwise he would throw away his family for some random woman.
Logically and morally, he is not doing the right thing. Maybe speak to your dad and confirm this before raising it to your mom. Your parents probably had a happy long marriage, and just based on assumptions, it may destroy the family peace.
There are endless possibilities, so speaking to him is the way forward.
Ask him.
He lied to you about what he was doing until you confronted him. That is a red flag. You seem unsure about the name of the coworker, so who knows if that adds to it or not but he initially hid it, so that’s not good. Was the credit charge for 2 peoples amount of food? I would bring it up to my mom or ask my dad if mom knows and would be ok with it. You are 21, you are allowed to seek info and ask questions when you don’t feel something is right. Just be prepared for possible consequences.
From my Muslim friends, there is no such thing cheating, you’re allowed to collect a Haram -multiple wives/mistresses the woman cheats she’s crucified
If your dad has romantic inclinations, he can take a second wife. What’s the problem here unless one is manufactured? Most men have such leanings, so it is a reasonable solution divinely ordained and sanctioned.
This is none of your business, don’t make it your business.
That’s a lot to carry on your own. I’d feel sick too if I were in your shoes. Just take a deep breath observe more before acting, this kind of thing needs clarity not panic.
Mind ur business lol cuz u dont know what mom did first
I apologise for how terrible some of these responses are and how you must feel worse.
I would switch off reddit for now and regulate yourself a bit before deciding on your course of action.
When you feel a little bit more human, and you can’t keep it in, it seems like it would be a conversation between you and him.
Consider what kind of outcome you might want and what might happen if he isn’t convincingly open or honest. Because then you may be keeping a secret for him.
Consulting a counsellor might be better than talking to a sibling at this point.
Just so you know, me and my sister made the same conclusion (it had happened before) but later on (because we didnt do anything without the needed information) she came to us telling us she was very depressed.
I was born and raised as an atheist, so I dont know much about the cultural differences. But please dont make impulsive decisions. It’s not worth the anxiety beforehand.
Also want to add, its not something you can control. And if in the end it is what you think it is. Stay true to yourself.
Just butt out, its not your marriage so its not your business. The fact that you already searched his credit card history and looked the colleague up on the company website has already crossed the line.
I dont condone cheating, but I also dont condone interfering in other people’s relationships… you have no way to have the full story, and the full story is none of your business.
So maybe your dad is looking for a second wife good for him!
He went on a date with another woman and told you so. I understand why you feel sick.
Don’t tell your sister or brother. Talk to your dad directly and ask him what’s up. He’s already been this honest so give him a chance to be more honest.
I’m in the “slow down, and don’t do anything yet” camp.
Half of my family are Orthodox Jews, who share many of the same societal beliefs and traditions….not EXACTLY, but enough for me to understand the “unusual” behavior, and how distressing this must be for you.
Unfortunately, the culture also makes it more difficult to simply confront him and ask for the truth…
I would just listen and observe as much as possible. If you aren’t close enough to your brother to trust him with your suspicions, maybe enlist a trusted friend, outside of the family, help to investigate.
It’s not much, as far as advice goes, but just know that even a stranger in a foreign land is praying for you and your family.
Insha’Allah, nothing is happening, and this will not be an ongoing situation. 🙏
Stay strong, and Maa al-salama.
No need to control your dad. If he’s hiding something, he’ll lie. You need evidence, not arguments. If he is cheating, that’s on him, not you. You’re not the one breaking vows or sneaking around while your partner is gone. You are not the villain for noticing. Best thing for you would be to talk to someone trustworthy right now.
Yeah Muslims do that sometimes