I M27 have a girlfriend F25 that I’ve been with for 2 years. She’s super amazing and maddeningly beautiful. Earlier today, we were at this relationship podcast type thing where you answer questions about your relationship and partner. During my round of questions, one of them was something crazy I did in our relationship that my partner does not know about. I tried to think of something really crazy cos my gf’s answer was funny and I wanted something on that level. Well I guess it apparent on my face that I thought of something and discarded it because the host asked me to say that thing I just thought about. Yes, I know I was stupid but I did. During the early months of our relationship, like five months in, I was really insecure about us because my girlfriend is so beautiful and great, I wasn’t sure why she settled for me. I snooped through her phone, like a deep dive, I went through everything; her social media apps, her messages, her notes, her Pinterest, her emails. Of course I didn’t find anything discouraging, it was actually most of the opposite, she had mostly good things to say about me. I felt so bad and guilty about it, I just started doing super nice things to make up for it and of course she wasn’t aware, so to her, I was just being nice and sweet. So I vomited this entire thing out at the podcast, we got done and now she isn’t speaking to me and has asked for space. She didn’t even yell or argue. We were supposed to spend the weekend at her place; we live separately because she doesn’t believe in permanent cohabiting before longterm commitment. I’m scared and nervous she’ll break up with me. I love her a lot, like I really really like this woman and I was planning to pop the question in a couple months. How do I go about this? I know I messed up bad but it was a long time ago. I did apologize severally as soon as we got out of there but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look mad, she was expressionless which isn’t like her because she’s always smiling at me or at least tells me how she feels. She spoke about it once when I asked her to say something to me or yell at me or anything. She said ‘so you knew about your birthday then’ to which I nodded. She had planned a surprise party for me and I found out about it but I pretended to be surprised. I don’t want to lose her, I really don’t but I feel like I just threw it all away. How do I make it okay?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You said “this happened a long time ago”. For you it did, for her this is very fresh and new.
Give her time to process her feelings. If you push for her to forgive you or minimalize what she is feeling you will push her further away.
Allow her time to process. She will talk to you when she is ready.
It’s really nothing you can do if she leaves you she does (I mean you can try to have a conversation about your insecurities your where having and just wanted to make sure ) but yea it’s a red flag if someone goes through your friend personal messages it’s like reading their diary 📔 my ex did this and it just gave me the ick I once I found out I just thought he was werid mybe because I never look through phones but if I feel something off ima say it to you and ask at that moment let me see your phone ect not sneak
Give her the space and validate her feelings. You let your insecurity guide you to a poor decision and instead of confessing privately, you did it on a podcast. And you faked being surprised for a bday you had planned, so im sure she processing the scope of how deceitful you can be when you are hiding something. Breech of trust takes time. Let her work through it on her time and terms.
Yea something’s are best kept to yourself. Give her the space she asked for and if she does indeed want to be done, don’t beg her. Just accept it and move on.
Congratulations, you played yourself.
The worst thing you could do is love bomb her, or keep apologizing, or try to “make it ok”. This becomes annoying and starts to sound fake.
If this is the real deal, I’m guessing she’ll get past it, but she needs space atm. It’s not just about going through the phone; it’s also about how easily you deceived her with the party stuff. She’s probably wondering what else you may have lied about.
Give her the space she needs.
It’s clear how much you value your relationship and how deeply this mistake has affected her trust… but giving her the space she needs right now is crucial. Focus on being patient and showing through consistent actions that you’re committed to rebuilding what was broken. Try writing her a heartfelt letter expressing your remorse without expecting an immediate response, just so she knows you’re still here for her when she’s ready. You’ve got time, and even small gestures of sincerity can help bridge the gap over time.