I don’t know where to start. The evening yesterday just ended in a way I didn’t expect. Sorry this will be long.
My Husband and I were both stressed coming home from work yesterday so we are already somewhat snippy with each-other.
I ordered dinner to be delivered to our home and it is already 7:45pm. I have health issues and all so I can’t eat late plus I was really starving ( I have Insulin issues which he is aware about)
I was cleaning up the kitchen (while waiting for the food delivery), my husband was outside sitting in the backyard. When our order arrived, I open the back door to let him know it’s here and to please come in. He was on the phone with someone but I was not aware who. He responded back to me stating he will be back in two mins. Ten mins passed, he was still on the phone.
I admit I got upset because a) he knows I can’t eat late b) he doesn’t like it if I eat without him.
So I went to the back door again angrily this time and called out to him to come.
When he came back in, he was pouting at me but not angry or anything. I angrily said that it’s just rude knowing dinner is waiting and that I can’t eat past 8pm. I also said that I paid for the dinner (I regret saying this part. I meant to say that money was spent so why let it go cold). He ate and I went to shower. It was all just silence.
We went to bed after it all and we didn’t say anything to eachother. I thought that if emotions are running high, I don’t want to say anything now and figured that we will talk in the morning once we are cooled off. I was ready to apologize for my part. I was wrong about this clearly.
He turned to me and I thought he would say something but he didn’t. He went back to his side. I continued to drink my tea and scrolled on my phone. He then got up and he said he I was ignoring him and he pointed out that he was literally crying. that’s when he went off on me. He said that he’s done with our marriage and that he’s going to see my parents tomorrow to apologize that it’s over, that he still has self respect and that I don’t own him.
He said that he was talking to his friend about his Mom (I had no idea) and that since he couldn’t talk to me, he is talking to other ppl about her. At this point, he was yelling at me. He went on to say that his Mom is dying in the hospital, and he criticized me for showing no empathy. He brought up my past criticism of her, that I’m a control freak, that I treated him like an employee, that I don’t own him since I mentioned money for dinner tonight, that I am isolating him from his family (I never once said he should go NC or low contact), I am only the one who went NC.
He slammed the door twice and banged on the bed which hits my leg. I was honestly scared.
I tried to explain that I had no idea he was talking to his friend about his Mother outside, I was just upset about having to wait for dinner and I admit I could have gone about it differently. I also mentioned that I didn’t mean to point out the money. I shouldn’t have said that either.
I left to stay at my parents. Before I left, he said I’m gonna play the victim and that I’m gonna spread lies about what happened.
I don’t honestly know what to say. I’m feeling bewildered, like it just happened so fast. please advise me on what I should do.
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This sounds incredibly painful for both of you. He’s grieving and lashing out, but his reaction (yelling, slamming things, scaring you) isn’t okay. Give him space, but prioritize your safety. If he’s open to it, suggest therapy, both individual (for his grief) and couples (to rebuild communication). If this escalates further, please protect yourself first.
Honestly, i think you should not give it a break. Go to him and try to explain your point very calmly and lovingly. It would take a lot of compassion but it shouldn’t be that difficult if you love him, he’s hurting after all. You can give him the benefit of the doubt for snapping, you both were high on emotions.
You both need a breather so it’s good that you left the house to separate a bit. When you’re both ready, you should have a conversation about what went down AND about his mom and how he’s feeling. I think you know where you could’ve said things a bit differently and it’s okay to misspeak. Just apologize and hear him out.
I’ve never lost a parent but I can only imagine how painful it is, especially when you don’t know who to turn to discuss the pain.
Remember, with marriage it’s you guys vs the problem. Not you vs him. Best of luck!
Wow. He may be under stress but it looks like the apple really does not fall far from the tree. He’s punishing you for not abandoning no contact. And that is not ok.
And he “doesn’t like it when you eat without him” even though you have a medical condition. And he’s calling you controlling? YHGTBFKM
No one gets to decide when you eat. No one gets to decide that you will break no contact with your abuser to serve his needs.
Without a full throated apology, groveling, serious changes in his ridiculously controlling behavior, and therapy I’d say the trash just took itself out.
OP, after reading your previous post, i think you owe your husband an apology.
There are a lot of things that influence over-reactions like his, but you appear to be abandoning him in his grief. Supporting your husband while his mother is dying does not mean giving any love to her. He is your partner.
You got great feedback from others on your last post, I encourage you to read them, and consider if you can adjust your perspective to your husband.
to be clear, i am not suggesting that you sweep any of your JNMIL’s behavior under the rug, or have to go off NC. the focus here is on supporting your partner and remaining respectful while he is navigating grief and these changes that are impacting his life.