I (27F) have been married to my husband (28M) for almost 9 years. We got married really young—19—and I think I’m finally starting to realize just how much of myself I’ve lost in the process.
He’s in the military, and he’s worked hard to build his career and finish school. From the outside, it probably looks like everything is fine. But inside our home, and inside me, it’s not.
I work full time, I manage our home, I cook, I clean, I do everything… and he plays video games, sleeps, and occasionally half-attempts to hang up his towel like it’s some grand gesture. He’s lived on his own before, so I know he’s capable, he just doesn’t care. He thinks picking up his own mug is “helping.” He says he doesn’t feel appreciated. For what? Being an adult?
I feel more like his mom than his wife.
We don’t have kids, and that’s honestly the only thing keeping me from feeling completely stuck. I’ve been thinking about separating, going back home across the country to be with family. It scares me, but I’m even more scared of staying and continuing to lose myself. I’m always exhausted. Always cleaning. Always wondering if I’m just not good enough to deserve effort.
Sometimes I wonder if he’d even notice if I left. I think a part of me hopes it would wake him up, but the other part knows I probably won’t come back.
I’ve given up a lot to support his life, his job, his path. And now I’m starting to ask… when do I get to have one of my own?
Maybe I’m just venting. Maybe I’m looking for someone to tell me I’m not crazy. Either way, thanks for reading.
Comments
You’re not crazy—you’re waking up. You’ve been the backbone of someone else’s life for so long, it’s only fair to ask when you get to live yours. Love isn’t supposed to feel like loneliness in a shared home. You deserve effort, not excuses.
Congratulations, you married a child. You’re never gonna get anything back from him as it seems.
There’s two things you can do, stop wasting more years and confront him, not like talk him, more like directly confront him what’s going on with your life and emotions.
2nd Option, which will probably be the right one: just move on, you’re married 10 years almost, don’t have kids, neither of you seem to be invested into having kids, he doesn’t support you and only cares for his own ass.
Easy math
Never get into relationships too young.
Hey OP,
If you’re ready, take the leap and go. He is not going to improve, it’ll only get worse in time. You have a decision ahead of you: go, and live your life to the fullest and maybe one day meet a partner who behaves like a functioning adult, or stay with the knowledge that you are choosing to be his mum for the rest of your lives.
I did this once, felt more like a mother than a wife. We are now divorced.. best decision I ever made
Honestly if you can’t talk to him, or have tried multiple times. It’s time to start leaving. Go and find yourself, go travel, or go out with friends or even enjoy your own company. If he can’t see how hard you are working and chooses to take advantage if you, it is over. He should help with housework, especially if he is home most of the time, and sees you cleaning and doesn’t help, or at least offer, he is not for you. He wants a mum not a wife
You’re roommates not spouses, get out while you’re still young.
It sounds like you’re ready to move on from him. Thank god no kids yet. Do what you gotta do.
Don’t have kids you see the red flags now, that was my mistake . But I’m working on it. If you haven’t been trying to talk to him about it first try that before leaving . But if you have and it’s going through one ear and out the other then just make your existing plans.